Dear Hollywood: Snow White and the Huntsman

It has been a while since I've done with of these (let's file this under reasons why I'm useless at keeping up features), but since I saw Snow White and the Huntsman this week, I thought I may as well give it the Dear Hollywood treatment. Especially since I gave the same treatment to the other Snow White movie Mirror Mirror a while back. Just the preface this post: in all honesty, I think I may have enjoyed Mirror Mirror's silly colourful fun a little bit more. Perhaps I should have a Snow White night to look at them both equally, but I think that Lily Collins' "I don't need a man" Snow was better than Kristen Stewart's blank-faced "let's just get Chris Hemsworth to do the work" Snow. Mind you, Charlize Theron was on FIRE (literally).

Dear Hollywood,
You know what seems pretty 'in' at the moment? Making things darker than they actually are. You take something that isn't really that dark, take all of the shits and giggles out of it, and make it really really really dark and depressing because it is so close to real life. However, with the comic book adaptation section gone, what else could I possibly make dark? I toyed with the idea of making a dark Adam Sandler movie, but then I saw That's My Boy. Please help.
Yours sincerely,
Joy-Less Bleaker

Dear Hollywood: That's My Boy

There is no escaping Adam Sandler movies. Okay, there is, but that's only likely if you don't work at a DVD shop and make it a point to watch everything "big" that comes out. Why do I like torturing myself?! I wish I knew the answer. Because That's My Boy was AWFUL. WORDS CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE HOW AWFUL IT WAS. Which makes it fine material for the Dear Hollywood series. If you need a refresher, here's the previous entries here.

Dear Hollywood,
WAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSUP?!
It is your old mate Adam Sandler here! You remember me! I'm the guy that did you proud by winning all of the Razzies with my masterpiece Jack and Jill!
After that, I've hit a bit of a lull. I don't know how I could possibly make anything worse.
Please help me.
Love from Hollywood's favourite son,
Adam Sandler

Dear Adam Sandler,
Hello, Adam. We were wondering when you were going to start campaigning for those Razzies. But how can you do that when you've already played a man and a woman in the same film? Jack and Jill really took the cake. All of it. Literally.
Why don't you just show off that stellar immaturity in a new, bold way? We're all for rebooting the same old stuff.
Love from your proud father,
Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
Yes, that immaturity always works well, doesn't it? Once I made a whole film about adults being immature. It  was called Grown Ups. You remember that one? Only Rob Schneider got a Razzie nod for that.
I got chocolate wasted because of that.
I can't let Rob Schneider steal my spotlight!
WHAT CAN I DO?
Love from your favourite son, 
Adam Sandler

Dear Hollywood: Mirror Mirror

Due to the break and what not, it has been a little while since I did a Dear Hollywood. For a refresher, set your eyes on these top notes. For now, I'll be Dear Hollywood-ing Mirror Mirror, one of the two Snow White films to come out this year. And yeah, I actually kinda liked it. It isn't exactly the "worst film of the year" material that many made it out to be.

Dear Hollywood, 
I want to make a film based on Snow White. I'm all excited to do that, but then I find out that there's another Snow White film being made. You know, it is all gritty and tough, just like everyone likes it because The Dark Knight made a ton of money, so anyone can make a ton of money by making things dark. Including children's fairytales. And you know what? I hear they have Kristen Stewart, too. Wow, there's no way I can compete now, I'm sure that movie will be extremely dark.
Please tell me, what do I do?
Kind regards,
Unabashed Snow White Fan

Dear Unabashed Snow White Fan,
Here's an idea: why don't you just adapt another fairytale for the darker market? Cinderella loses both shoes? That hasn't been done before.
Kind regards,
Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
NOPE. IT MUST BE SNOW WHITE OR ELSE.
Kind regards,
Aggressive Snow White Fan.

Dear Aggressive Snow White Fan,
Well there's nothing I can do about the fact that there's a dark Snow White film already coming out and it stars Kristen Stewart as the fairest of them all. So why don't you just go to the opposite end of the spectrum? Just go crazy silly. Get all your jokes out of 1001 Cool Jokes. Have Julia Roberts play your evil queen and get her to have all these weird beauty treatments. Get someone happy to play your Snow White. Have ridiculously big costumes that no-one could ever move in.
It is a tough road when you can't have explosions. That's why it is easier to adapt board games. No-one can tell that every explosive movie actually derives from Battleship. That was until they made a movie called Battleship.
Kind regards,
Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
Hmmmmm...I could go in the ridiculously OTT direction. But...I mean, how can I really compete with such a big production starring Kristen Stewart? How would people remember me?
Kind regards,
Troubled Snow White Fan

Dear Troubled Snow White Fan,
I really don't know what else to say, unless you want to put craploads of explosions in your little Snow White movie. But I assume you're going to be a more family-oriented affair.
Throw a dog in there. People like dogs.
Wait...I have an idea! To make yourself REALLY stand out, get Sean Bean in your film. Instead of killing him off, keep him dead for the entire film and then bring him back to life at the very end.
Then people will remember you for being the most heart-warming movie of a lifetime.
Kind regards,
Hollywood

-several months later-
RE: MIRROR MIRROR
Dear Snow White Movie That Doesn't Have Kristen Stewart But Has Sean Bean Living,
By "throwing a dog in there", I did not make Armie Hammer act like a dog.
Just thought I better clear that up.
Kind regards,
Hollywood
P.S. You could've just had some explosions.

What I got:

Dear Hollywood: The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Okay, so this is only my third "Dear Hollywood" post, but I'm already trying something radical: I'm basing it around a movie which I enjoyed a lot. And that movie is, would you believe it, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. For anyone looking for a refresher, just remember that this is not unlike those "Agony Aunt" posts, i.e. Dear Agony Aunt,
I'm always cold. What do I do?
From I. C. Colde.
The catch is, the agony aunt is actually Hollywood. Cool huh? I thought so. Anyway, let's give this one a go...

Dear Hollywood,
I just got back from seeing New Year's Eve. Oh yes, it had a very good cast. All that star power, with all those Oscars hidden away in a mantelpiece far far away...you should really be proud. Who needs a good script when you have so many famous faces in a movie? Hell, they don't even need to act.
Anyway, I was wondering if you could lend me some advice. I would love to do one of those "big cast" movies. But, well, you've taken up all of the holidays that there are. Apart from Queen's Birthday. You're not getting that one. Also, I suppose you'd be the wrong one to ask out this, but I want my "big cast" movie to be actually good.
Tell me, what story could I throw at a whole lot of actors so they can just show their faces? But in a good way. Like, in a good movie. That kind of stuff.
Yours sincerely,
Britain Needs Their Big Cast Movie Too

Dear Britain Needs Their Big Cast Movie Too,
You had the Olympics. Doesn't that count as a big cast movie?
Yours sincerely,
Disgruntled Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
Hooooooooooold up, is someone a bit jealous? Just because our Queen jumped out of a plane with James Bond.
Yours sincerely, 
Britain Needs Their Big Cast Movie Too

Dear Hollywood: Battleship

It has been over a month since this feature made its debut, so just for a refresher, check out the letters that circled J. Edgar. Basically, if you know those columns with the 'agony aunts' that go:
Dear Agony Aunt,
I'm always cold. What do I do?
From I. C. Colde.
...then you'll know what I'm on about here. But we're putting it in the context of a movie, and Hollywood will be replying to the sender. In the hotseat tonight we have Battleship.

Dear Hollywood,

It would seem that we have run out of ideas for movies. Someone has already adapted The Hunger Games, Twilight and Harry Potter, and to make it worse, they've split the last book into two films so they don't have the problemm of thinking up new ideas. Cheaters. The only thing that young cinema-goers love more than adaptations of their favourite books are explosions. Now, I think we've run out of superheroes to have running away from explosions. Unless we reboot the Batman franchise so we can release it a week after The Dark Knight Rises. We don't know where else we can get ideas from so we can have movies filled with explosions. I mean, where do you get inspiration for that kinda stuff from? Like, you need a story to go with the explosions to keep it interesting. Like in Transformers, there was a story about a guy with a stutter who ended up going out with a really hot girl. And there were lots of explosions. That turned out okay, didn't it?

Yours sincerely,
Peter Berg,
Explosion Story Department,
Michael Bay's Henchmen Inc.

Dear Hollywood: J. Edgar

After a ton of Thursday nights being filled with the sarcasm of Christopher, it's time for him to take a break. I mean, he's had to talk to the likes of Jack and Jill, Breaking Dawn Part 1 and New Year's Eve this time around, so I think he needs to get his brain back together. However, while he's not making the rounds (I promise that he'll come back in the future), I have a new feature to keep your laughing gear warm and toasty on Thursdays (well apart from next Thursday, since I'll be watching The Dark Knight Rises): 'Dear Hollywood'. How does it work? Well, you know those columns with the 'agony aunts' that go:
Dear Agony Aunt,
I'm always cold. What do I do?
From I. C. Colde.
That's basically what this is all about. But we're putting it in the context of a movie, and Hollywood will be replying to the sender. Let me just get into my Dear Hollywood all about J. Edgar, and hopefully it will make a little more sense!

Dear Hollywood, 

I've been an actor for quite some time now. In fact, in 1993 I was given an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor for my performance in What's Eating Gilbert Grape as Johnny Depp's mentally retarded brother. A lot people said I had class, and that I could be a contender. In 1997, I starred in a small independent film called Titanic. A few people went to go see it. You know that Justin Bieber fella? Well back in the day, I used to be as popular as him. In fact, there was Leo-Mania sweeping the woman-folk back in the 90s. After spending a lot of time letting the hotness waft off me, I decided that I needed to become more serious. So I started being in serious films. I got a couple of Oscar nominations. That wasn't enough though. I started starring in lots of movies where I have a dead wife. Apparently no-one likes that. I cry a lot in my films. NO ACTOR CRIES MORE THAN ME! People on the internet always highlight the fact that I do so much to get Oscars, but no-one else cares about me. What do I do to get that damn Oscar?

Yours sincerely,
Leonardo Wilhelm DiCaprio