Thursday, August 30, 2012

Dear Hollywood: The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Okay, so this is only my third "Dear Hollywood" post, but I'm already trying something radical: I'm basing it around a movie which I enjoyed a lot. And that movie is, would you believe it, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. For anyone looking for a refresher, just remember that this is not unlike those "Agony Aunt" posts, i.e. Dear Agony Aunt,
I'm always cold. What do I do?
From I. C. Colde.
The catch is, the agony aunt is actually Hollywood. Cool huh? I thought so. Anyway, let's give this one a go...

Dear Hollywood,
I just got back from seeing New Year's Eve. Oh yes, it had a very good cast. All that star power, with all those Oscars hidden away in a mantelpiece far far away...you should really be proud. Who needs a good script when you have so many famous faces in a movie? Hell, they don't even need to act.
Anyway, I was wondering if you could lend me some advice. I would love to do one of those "big cast" movies. But, well, you've taken up all of the holidays that there are. Apart from Queen's Birthday. You're not getting that one. Also, I suppose you'd be the wrong one to ask out this, but I want my "big cast" movie to be actually good.
Tell me, what story could I throw at a whole lot of actors so they can just show their faces? But in a good way. Like, in a good movie. That kind of stuff.
Yours sincerely,
Britain Needs Their Big Cast Movie Too

Dear Britain Needs Their Big Cast Movie Too,
You had the Olympics. Doesn't that count as a big cast movie?
Yours sincerely,
Disgruntled Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
Hooooooooooold up, is someone a bit jealous? Just because our Queen jumped out of a plane with James Bond.
Yours sincerely, 
Britain Needs Their Big Cast Movie Too

Dear Britain Doesn't Need a Big Cast Movie,
Why don't you just go and make a big movie with all your British icons, like James Bond, the Queen, her Corgis, Colin Firth, the entire cast of The King's Speech, and the entire cast of all the Harry Potter movies. Maybe they can sit around eating crumpets after they've defeated some evil Norse God who just HAS to be played by a British person.
And anyway, last year you had Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. That had a big cast. Too bad it didn't make sense.
Yours sincerely,
Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
Alright alright, simmer down. Maybe one day we'll do the movie that you suggested. I think that will be our big "Queen's Birthday" orientated love story. And you didn't understand Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy? What can we say? Us British people are smart cookies. It is because of all the tea we drink.
But I do like your idea of British icons, though. On the topic of James Bond, Daniel Craig is far too busy jumping out of planes, so why don't we go for Judi Dench? Everyone loves her. And why don't we pluck Maggie Smith from the realms of Harry Potter. Everyone watches Downton Abbey just for her remarks. Surely we could group them with a whole lot of other similarly aged people and give them a right cracker of a comedy to play out in some foreign land. I think this is our big call.
Yours sincerely,
Britain Has Found its Big Cast Movie

Dear Britain is Never Going to Have a Big Cast Movie that Isn't Confusing,
NO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
You put Judi Dench in a movie, you get an Oscar. She gets an Oscar. Everyone from your country gets an Oscar. You put her with a whole lot of other British people who have Oscar written all over them? Next time it rains, it'll be raining Oscar.
Don't you think that it is bad enough that we hold the Oscars, and yet we don't win any because you're too busy spinning out movies about British royals?
Yours not so sincerely,
Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
I just had the best idea! Why don't we put that young man Dev Patel into the movie? He was in Slumdog Millionaire, which won lots of Oscars. If we set it in India, too, we could get Oscars.
Your sincerely,
Britain Loves Oscars

Dear Britain Isn't Going to Get Any Oscars!
Too bad. I know we can't fight you. Unless the script is really bad, or something.
We're just going to give you really poor marketing here in the States. No-one will even know that this so-called Best Exotic Marigold Hotel exists.
I don't care if you're one of the best movies of the year, you're not getting our Oscars.
Yours sincerely,
Hollywood.

What I got:

10 comments:

  1. Haha. I think Dench and Smith actually have a shot at Oscar nominations, but a win is out of the question.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They do have a shot at Oscar nominations, but then again, with the awful marketing and the fact that this came out so early in the year, I don't know if they can get enough traction come Oscar time.

      Delete
  2. I think the "raining oscars" bit is the best part of this post.

    In fact someone should do a satire with different producers/studios trying to make the most award-baity movies(with the most award baity actors/actresses) possible. And then it will end with Oscars raining down.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, I always think of "raining Oscars" when I see films like The King's Speech. And yes, that would be awesome!

      Delete
  3. Looooove this feature!
    Which reminds me of the question why I haven't seen this movie yet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You should see it - it is really quite cool!

      Delete
  4. Fun post, Stevee! Ahah, the Olympics is technically a big British ensemble cast, I mean even the darn models made an appearance!

    I want to rent this movie as soon as it comes out, love the cast!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! The Olympics was bloody huge. I can't think of anyone who wasn't there.

      I think you'll really enjoy it!

      Delete
  5. I was waiting for a Dear Hollywood edition about a good movie :D
    I wanted to see this film, but then decided not go because I was too lazy. Will see it on DVD.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, I know you were. This was all for you.

      Definitely catch it on DVD. It was surprisingly good.

      Delete

You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

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