Thursday, July 12, 2012

Dear Hollywood: J. Edgar

After a ton of Thursday nights being filled with the sarcasm of Christopher, it's time for him to take a break. I mean, he's had to talk to the likes of Jack and Jill, Breaking Dawn Part 1 and New Year's Eve this time around, so I think he needs to get his brain back together. However, while he's not making the rounds (I promise that he'll come back in the future), I have a new feature to keep your laughing gear warm and toasty on Thursdays (well apart from next Thursday, since I'll be watching The Dark Knight Rises): 'Dear Hollywood'. How does it work? Well, you know those columns with the 'agony aunts' that go:
Dear Agony Aunt,
I'm always cold. What do I do?
From I. C. Colde.
That's basically what this is all about. But we're putting it in the context of a movie, and Hollywood will be replying to the sender. Let me just get into my Dear Hollywood all about J. Edgar, and hopefully it will make a little more sense!

Dear Hollywood, 

I've been an actor for quite some time now. In fact, in 1993 I was given an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor for my performance in What's Eating Gilbert Grape as Johnny Depp's mentally retarded brother. A lot people said I had class, and that I could be a contender. In 1997, I starred in a small independent film called Titanic. A few people went to go see it. You know that Justin Bieber fella? Well back in the day, I used to be as popular as him. In fact, there was Leo-Mania sweeping the woman-folk back in the 90s. After spending a lot of time letting the hotness waft off me, I decided that I needed to become more serious. So I started being in serious films. I got a couple of Oscar nominations. That wasn't enough though. I started starring in lots of movies where I have a dead wife. Apparently no-one likes that. I cry a lot in my films. NO ACTOR CRIES MORE THAN ME! People on the internet always highlight the fact that I do so much to get Oscars, but no-one else cares about me. What do I do to get that damn Oscar?

Yours sincerely,
Leonardo Wilhelm DiCaprio

Dear L. Wilhelm DiCaprio,

You know what gets you Oscars? When you play real life people. The last time none of the acting Oscar winners were playing real life people was in 1998. Coincidentally, the year when your 'small, independent film' Titanic won Best Picture. Anyway, the general consensus is: why play a figment of someone's imagination when you can wow everyone with your rendition of someone who has lived on this planet?
I see you've already done this several times. Your most successful biopic was probably The Aviator, which you were nominated for an Oscar for. Unfortunately, you were beaten out by Jamie Foxx. He had two nominations that year, one for each of the X's in his name. What's he doing now? Blaming it on the alcohol.
You should drink to that.
If you want to really go for this Oscar thing, you need to get a little more advanced. Sure, Howard Hughes was an interesting man, but we really need to get up with some people that everyone knows about. Since Helen Mirren's already played Queen Elizabeth II, I think we could give you J. Edgar Hoover. Now there's a life that would give you a challenge. So many conspiracies! So many controversies! Just the kind of role that you'll sink you're teeth into, and you'll taste Oscar gold. Here's a few tips for making a biopic tailor made for a little naked golden man:
-Get a high profile director. Clint Eastwood will get you there.
-Make a list of the points you want to put in the movie. And basically make the movie as if it were a list. You know, like Schindler's List.
-Through that list, don't actually allow us to properly get to know the character. This is a biopic, not some Mills & Boon novel.
-Use flashbacks. Because they've never been done before.
-Only hint at some of the controversies so you don't become particularly memorable. You only need to be remembered around Oscar time, never any longer than that.
-Release a soaring trailer filled with lots of dramatic moments so people can get those Oscar bells ringing.
-The best thing about biopics is that you can play your character at different ages! As soon as you put on your old age make-up and start walking funny people think, BA-DA-BING, OSCAR!!!!

I hope this gets you that little golden man!
Hollywood.

RE: Biopics Will Get You An Oscar
Dear Hollywood,

I followed all the required steps and do I have an Oscar? No. Did I even get an Oscar nomination? No. I CRIED WITH OLD AGE MAKE-UP ON. WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO DO?!
It seems this advice was sent to Meryl Streep, as well. That lady got her third Oscar with her old age make-up and what do I have? Nothing. Apart from 5000 MTV Movie Awards.

Leonardo "I Want Dat Oscar" DiCaprio.

RE: Biopics Will Get You An Oscar
Dear L. Wilhelm DiCaprio, 

I'm sorry, no-one nominated you because they were too busy pissing themselves laughing at Armie Hammer's old age make-up. I guess we know what people will look like if they live to be 200 years old.

Hollywood.

What I got:

24 comments:

  1. Haha, this is fun. Poor Leo. I did a "Message to Leo" post once, in which I asked him to stop playing mad people and dead people and people with dead wives etc. and do something happy. Calvin Candie has answered to my prayers.

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    1. It looks like Calvin Candie will be awesome! Hopefully that gets him an Oscar nod. Because I can't take too many more dead wives.

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  2. Haha wonderful idea. Love it. Can't wait to see more. This is really clever stuff Stevee. J EDGAR looks awful, but it can't be as bad as Meryl "I'm playing a woman that ruined a nation but with all this makeup and dementia aren't I pitiful?" Streep in THE IRON LADY.

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    1. Nope, it isn't as bad as The Iron Lady. Thanks goodness!

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  3. It's a fun idea!
    I hope you'll try a hand in this feature covering a good film, too.
    And as for the movie, yeah, it was pretty average and boring and Hammer's make-up was just laughable, but I, for one, didn't really hate the film, I just was a bit disappointed, but I already knew that there's nothing special about it.

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    1. Ah, a good film...I can only but try, but so far it's easier to do bad films. Who knows.

      I was a bit disappointed too, because I wanted to defy everyone else and like it. Unfortunately, I just got bored to death.

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  4. Reckon Calvin Candie will bag him a nom? I doubt it. Reckon he'll ever win one? I bloody hope so but I wouldn't be surprised if his best work is behind him. Maybe he could take up directing?

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    1. You never know - this could be another Hans Landa case. And yes, maybe he could take up directing.

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  5. Dear Leonardo Wilhelm DiCaprio,

    At least you've been nominated multiple times. I haven't even got a nomination for Best Director despite all my 7 films being super-awesome. Heck I've even had you crying in one of them! I've told a story backwards, rebooted a dying franchise, revealed a magician's best trick, made dreams inside dreams, and blurred the lines between the superhero world and reality. What do I need to do to get a nomination?

    Yours sincerely,
    Christopher Jonathan James Nolan.

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  6. Haha! I loved this. Leo just tries so hard, the make up was wayyy too distracting for me to enjoy this bore of a film.

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    Replies
    1. Leo does try and try and try, but yes, the make-up really was distracting!

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  7. There there Leo... you will get your Oscar. You'll get it soon enough. In fact, I do have a project that I plan to write sometime soon that you'll star in. I will tell you in advance that the part requires you to go full frontal.

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    1. Oooh...maybe that will bag him a nomination? Oscars like that, unless you're Michael Fassbender, of course.

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  8. Ha this is great. I think Leo's a great actor, but there's often a bit of a disconnect because you can really see the gears turning; you can see him acting. That's why I'll always take Ryan Gosling over Leo. Any day of the week.

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    1. Leo is my favourite actor, but I can see what you mean. Sometimes he tries a little too hard (which is sometimes the case with this film)

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  9. Ha ha, nice job Stevee, I laughed hard at this. I think you should do more like this.... :)

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  10. Love this post. Leo will probably get an Oscar one day, but I just hope he wins for an awesome performance in a great film, a la The Departed.

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    1. Same! He should have been nominated for The Departed.

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  11. Well, that was hilarious! What a funny way of putting such an obvious topic- honestly, Leo really wants an Oscar, all of his recent movies are Oscar baits! For his sake, I hope he gets one soon! I like Leo!

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    1. I like Leo too, but he needs to get that Oscar!

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  12. You're hysterical, Stevee. You made an incredibly boring movie an incredibly fun read. Well done!

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You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

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