Dear Hollywood: Mirror Mirror

Due to the break and what not, it has been a little while since I did a Dear Hollywood. For a refresher, set your eyes on these top notes. For now, I'll be Dear Hollywood-ing Mirror Mirror, one of the two Snow White films to come out this year. And yeah, I actually kinda liked it. It isn't exactly the "worst film of the year" material that many made it out to be.

Dear Hollywood, 
I want to make a film based on Snow White. I'm all excited to do that, but then I find out that there's another Snow White film being made. You know, it is all gritty and tough, just like everyone likes it because The Dark Knight made a ton of money, so anyone can make a ton of money by making things dark. Including children's fairytales. And you know what? I hear they have Kristen Stewart, too. Wow, there's no way I can compete now, I'm sure that movie will be extremely dark.
Please tell me, what do I do?
Kind regards,
Unabashed Snow White Fan

Dear Unabashed Snow White Fan,
Here's an idea: why don't you just adapt another fairytale for the darker market? Cinderella loses both shoes? That hasn't been done before.
Kind regards,
Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
NOPE. IT MUST BE SNOW WHITE OR ELSE.
Kind regards,
Aggressive Snow White Fan.

Dear Aggressive Snow White Fan,
Well there's nothing I can do about the fact that there's a dark Snow White film already coming out and it stars Kristen Stewart as the fairest of them all. So why don't you just go to the opposite end of the spectrum? Just go crazy silly. Get all your jokes out of 1001 Cool Jokes. Have Julia Roberts play your evil queen and get her to have all these weird beauty treatments. Get someone happy to play your Snow White. Have ridiculously big costumes that no-one could ever move in.
It is a tough road when you can't have explosions. That's why it is easier to adapt board games. No-one can tell that every explosive movie actually derives from Battleship. That was until they made a movie called Battleship.
Kind regards,
Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
Hmmmmm...I could go in the ridiculously OTT direction. But...I mean, how can I really compete with such a big production starring Kristen Stewart? How would people remember me?
Kind regards,
Troubled Snow White Fan

Dear Troubled Snow White Fan,
I really don't know what else to say, unless you want to put craploads of explosions in your little Snow White movie. But I assume you're going to be a more family-oriented affair.
Throw a dog in there. People like dogs.
Wait...I have an idea! To make yourself REALLY stand out, get Sean Bean in your film. Instead of killing him off, keep him dead for the entire film and then bring him back to life at the very end.
Then people will remember you for being the most heart-warming movie of a lifetime.
Kind regards,
Hollywood

-several months later-
RE: MIRROR MIRROR
Dear Snow White Movie That Doesn't Have Kristen Stewart But Has Sean Bean Living,
By "throwing a dog in there", I did not make Armie Hammer act like a dog.
Just thought I better clear that up.
Kind regards,
Hollywood
P.S. You could've just had some explosions.

What I got:

So, When Does Anyone Actually Get Abducted in Abduction?

Film: Abduction
Year: 2011
Director: John Singleton
Written by: Shawn Christensen
Starring: Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins, Maria Bello, Jason Isaacs, Sigourney Weaver, Alfred Molina, Michael Nyqvist.
Running time: Far too long.

Hailing from the halls of all things awful in 2011, Abduction is the fifth film of the year to get the lowest of the low 1/10 from me. It joins such terrible films like The Roommate, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, The Hangover: Part II and Sucker Punch. But the difference that Abduction has is that Taylor Lautner aside, it had a half decent cast. Maria Bello, Jason Isaacs, Sigourney Weaver, Alfred Molina, and poor old Michael Nyqvist in his first big Hollywood role offer their names to Lautner's big post-Twilight debut. Also different is the fact that those four movies have titles that make sense to the story. Here, no-one actually gets abducted. Unless we're talking about the audience. Never before I have I wanted to turn off a movie so much - but no man shall get the better of my 'start watching it, finish watching it' rule.