Thursday, October 11, 2012

Dear Hollywood: That's My Boy

There is no escaping Adam Sandler movies. Okay, there is, but that's only likely if you don't work at a DVD shop and make it a point to watch everything "big" that comes out. Why do I like torturing myself?! I wish I knew the answer. Because That's My Boy was AWFUL. WORDS CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE HOW AWFUL IT WAS. Which makes it fine material for the Dear Hollywood series. If you need a refresher, here's the previous entries here.

Dear Hollywood,
WAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSUP?!
It is your old mate Adam Sandler here! You remember me! I'm the guy that did you proud by winning all of the Razzies with my masterpiece Jack and Jill!
After that, I've hit a bit of a lull. I don't know how I could possibly make anything worse.
Please help me.
Love from Hollywood's favourite son,
Adam Sandler

Dear Adam Sandler,
Hello, Adam. We were wondering when you were going to start campaigning for those Razzies. But how can you do that when you've already played a man and a woman in the same film? Jack and Jill really took the cake. All of it. Literally.
Why don't you just show off that stellar immaturity in a new, bold way? We're all for rebooting the same old stuff.
Love from your proud father,
Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
Yes, that immaturity always works well, doesn't it? Once I made a whole film about adults being immature. It  was called Grown Ups. You remember that one? Only Rob Schneider got a Razzie nod for that.
I got chocolate wasted because of that.
I can't let Rob Schneider steal my spotlight!
WHAT CAN I DO?
Love from your favourite son, 
Adam Sandler

Dear Adam Sandler,
You know that guy Sacha Baron Cohen? Everyone likes it when he offends everyone. Mix that with your immaturity and you could have the most wonderful thing ever!
Just make a list of everyone you want to offend in the most stupid way, and then base the film around that.
Love from your proud father,
Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
Okay, I made a list. I want to offend:
-Old people, by making one of the old Grandma's really sexual and kind of a pervert.
-Asians, by making the old people be mean to them.
-People of colour, just because everyone does that.
-Teachers, because obviously they'd do weird stuff with extremely under-age kids...who are also really stupid.
-People who weigh a lot, because everyone does that. And I think it is funny to make an overweight person to be a stripper. Eddie Murphy did it in Norbit, so why can't I?
-Men who dance, because men can't dance. And we'll make that man who dances even stupider than I am.
I thought, just because you wanted me to mix in all of these offensive things with being immature, I could fit in this:
-We'll make a 13 year old have a baby with a teacher, because HAHA THAT'S SO FUNNY.
-We'll put in some incest because HAHA THAT'S SO FUNNY.
-Maybe Vanilla Ice can be in the film because HAHA THAT'S SO FUNNY.
I'm onto a winner here.
I think I might try something different and disguise the film as a story about the relationship between a father and his son. Just in case Oscar comes calling.
Love from your favourite son,
Adam Sandler

Dear Adam Sandler,
You're onto a winner there! That's my boy.
Love from your proud father,
Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
Thank you for the name suggestion! That's My Boy sounds terrific. Just like how terrific I'm going to be come Razzie time.
Love from your favourite son,
Adam Sandler

What I got:

14 comments:

  1. Oh lordy....the last Adam Sandler film I saw in the cinemas was Click (which was a number of years ago, so I don't remember it very well, though I did like it at the time...I may have to revisit it to be sure of that...) although only through physical force will I sit through any of his new comedies (unless my fellow bloggers happen to tell me it's alright, but even then I will be suspicious...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Also, you are hilarious. That is all.

      Delete
    2. Oh yeah, this one is "alright"!

      If you are missing all of your brain cells.

      Thanks!

      Delete
  2. Of Adam Sandler's current movies or released in the past few years that I'm interested in seeing is Hotel Transylvania. Even that I might for the DVD and go see Frankenweenie instead. Still can't believe that he was part of the actors interviewed in the montage about loving films in the last Oscar awards.

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    Replies
    1. Haha...is that because you can't see him? LOL.

      And was he in those montages? Bloody hell!

      Delete
  3. I find it ironic that when I want to comment I have to press "x of Happy Fassy's" because I am far from happy. I get the fact that working in the video store could lead to bad movies but seriously? Why would anyone torture themselves!? You don't have to watch movies like this, honestly, stick with the trailer if even that and you'll be a happy little Fassy. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, I just feel like I have to watch all of these films. I'm still a happy little Fassy :)

      Delete
  4. My God, can we just boycott his films from now on?

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  5. Haha. I'm definitely skipping this one.

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  6. I kind of liked Grown Ups to be honest. But with that said i have no desire to see this

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Grown Ups was alright. This is far worse.

      Delete
  7. The only good film Adam Sandler has done in years is Hotel Transylvania. I will find myself watching this one day, I'll just try to postpone the day as much as I can. Can't be worse than Jack and Jill.

    ReplyDelete

You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

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