A Conversation with The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

I've noticed that since I started this series up again, I've been 'interviewing' some quite bad films. But they're the easiest to talk to, aside from films with great scripts (like anything by Paul Thomas Anderson - or L.A. Confidential, I had great fun with that one). Oh well, I only aim to entertain, and taking the piss out of a Twilight film is one of the best ways to do that. If you are unsure of how this series works, check back here for previous entries. The skinny is that my 'interviewer' Christopher (no reference to anyone living or dead) has a 'chat' with a specific movie. And today's movie just so happens to be The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1.

CHRISTOPHER: Hello there. Would you mind stepping out of the dark so I can see you?
BREAKING DAWN 1: I'm a vampire movie. I don't do lights.

C: That's an odd thing to say, considering your main vampire Edward spends a good deal of time sitting outside, in the sunlight, playing chess, and not sparkling.
BD1: He gets a lot of shit for sparkling.

C: I hate to break it to you, but vampires don't sparkle. They're not supposed to be fairies.
BD1: This argument has been going on since 2008. Just let Edward and his vampire family be. If they want to be fairies, they can let their freak flag fly.

C: Hmmmm. So far, we've had the love story between Edward and Bella, and Bella has been killed almost fifty times, plus there's something about some werewolves, one in particular who likes to take his shirt off. What do you have to offer to this obviously epic 'saga'?
BD1: Well, Bella and Edward get married, and Bella almost gets killed again. There's a really short sex scene in there, too - we didn't want to freak any little girls out.

C: So Bella almost gets killed again, what a surprise. How does it happen this time?
BD1: She gets pregnant. With a vampire/human hybrid. Now ain't that excitement for all the little fangirls?

C: Oh yes. I imagine a fetus that's half human is very exciting to whoever still likes you after all this time.
BD1: I still have fans. Mainly the mothers of teenagers who have already outgrown me. Mothers dig that sort of stuff.

C: That is quite surprising, as the series has just got worse and worse. You started out as an indie, which was fine, but then you got all cocky and the budgets got bigger.
BD1: As long as we're making money and winning lots of MTV Movie Awards, we're happy.

C: Are you aware that you're nominated for 8 Razzies?
BD1: Are you aware that that is probably more nominations than Drive got for anything this awards season? See, we're on the top of our game.

C: I'm not even going to say anything to that. Now this is only the first part to the final book. Tell me, why does hardly anything happen?
BD1: What do you mean, 'why does hardly anything happen?'. Edward and Bella play chess for at least 50% of the movie. And everyone thinks that is so romantic. Plus, chess is a game which needs to be brought back out into the spotlight. Harry Potter had a go at making it cool and all, but I think Edward and Bella really nailed it.

C: Yes, I'm going out to buy myself a chess set and hope that some clumsy, boring girl comes to play it with me on a beach. So romantic. 
BD1: It is romantic, for the fangirls, their mothers, and the teens that claim to be hipster but only think that chess is cool because I showed them it in a romantic light. 

C: Oh yay. So you expect them to believe in true love at first sight, with both a vampire and a werewolf, as well?
BD1: Yes.

C: Isn't being in love with a vampire kinda dangerous?
BD1: Do teenage girls think? No.

C: Oh well, if it were dangerous, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson don't do a good job of showing it.
BD1: Who cares? Everyone thinks they're good looking.

C: And what does she see in Taylor Lautner?
BD1: True emotion. You see how he furrows his eyebrows all of the time? And how he got so angry about the wedding invitation that he ripped off his shirt and went for a run? That boy has no heart of stone.

C: Just a face of stone. Thankfully, we only have to endure one more of your films. But you picked a stupid moment to end yourself on.
BD1: It is called ambiguity. All the cool movies end with a shot like that. I mean, you saw that movie called Inception, right? It had that spinning top at the end. And even though I didn't understand that, I thought that last shot was cool because spinning tops are so 2002 which is soooooo retro. So I decided to end with a shot like that, and everyone would be like, that shot is so cool. I mean, how else could I end?

C: I don't know, by fitting the entire book into one film so we could only have four films instead of five?
BD1: You don't understand. The longer we keep milking this vampire thing, the more money we can make. They'll be rebooting the series in a couple of years.

C: Oh God, now I really do hope the apocalypse happens. Do you have any final words?
BD1: TEAM EDWARD 4EVA XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO!!!

What I got:

Day 4: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Welcome to the fourth day of my eight-day long Harry Potter marathon. This is purely because I have not seen any of the Harry Potter's and I promised a whole lot of people that I'd watch 'em all when the last DVD came out. That was just about a month ago, so I have to do it now. I will be blogging about my journey through Hogwarts...and such.

To be perfectly honest, I have already seen Goblet of Fire before. Now this was back in the day when Twilight was cool-ish (note the ish). My friend got it out because, you know, she had a huge crush on Robert Pattinson and we decided to watch it. But I didn't remember that much of it. Which says marvellous things about my memory, since this was only two and a half years ago. Anyway, from an outsiders perspective (but this time, the outsider has seen it before):

-The opening scene (the dream scene) was very breathy. Did the actors go for a ten mile run before they filmed it?
-Let's talk about Robert Pattinson. I reckon Twilight ruined him. And now he just doesn't try hard enough. While his character wasn't exactly the kind that could make a star out of him, he was bearable in this movie. No, that's not because he's not in it every five seconds. But he just looked so young and fresh, and he acted so young and fresh. Now he just reminds me of a dirty old hobo. Which is such a shame, because he really had potential. Cheers, Twilight and all of your little teenage fans.
-I'm pretty sure there was some actual magic going on behind the scenes. The kids seem to grow a lot between films! Maybe it's just because I'm watching each of the films a day apart and I find it hard to process how they're growing so much. It really makes me wonder how fast I grew up...
-That Quidditch World Cup was pretty cool. Looks like my kind of place.
-The tent was awesome, too. I thought our three room tent that we had for our after-ball party was like the mansion version of a tent, but then I saw this one. Well, sorry!
-Minerva McGonagall said inception! She said inception! Which reminds me, I need to catch up with that movie again...

-The ball was pretty cool. Like, all the snow and stuff. Hermione looked really pretty, too. I remember when all of the tween magazines went crazy over how she looked at the ball. So, it took the surprise away.
-Ron looked pretty spiffy, too. I imagine that is quite a good Halloween costume.
-But I felt sorry for Ron and Harry's dates. It would suck to be them.
-Clémence Poésy is very pretty. Just saying.
-The film itself is quite entertaining. But it's not enough. The actors and stuff loosen up, but considering what happens at the end they shouldn't be loosened up so much. It is very light and fluffy for the most part, which makes the overall tone very uneven and odd to watch. I think the series has a very big problem: inconsistency. Hopefully things will get better.
-However, everything gets very dark towards the end of the film. *SPOILER IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, but I'm sure you already know what happens anyway* When Cedric dies, it is a bit of a turning point for the series. And then we get introduced to Lord Voldermort. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time...I have had it in the back of my mind that the story actually kicks off with the arrival of Voldy, so I'm glad he's come to the party.

-Hehehehe, my main man Ralph Nathaniel Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes plays Voldy (sorry if it's not 'right' to make a nickname for him, but he has no nose so it's not like he'd be missing his full name). I was surprised by how much I recognised Ralph while he was playing Voldy. Like, he just doesn't have a nose. Or hair. But his eyes are still there. And his eyes are sexy. I love you Ralph. Can I marry into your family so I can have your last name? Cheers.
-But yeah, Ralph is pretty good in the little screen time he is given. Personally, I don't think that Voldy will be scarier than Amon Goeth (because that repulsive excuse for a human being actually existed - and of course, Ralph's portrayal of him is my favourite performance of all time), but Ralph always knows how to be villainous. I can't wait to see what he does with the character in the rest of the films.
-Yes, probably all I'm going to talk about for the next few films is Ralph Fiennes.
-Anyway, one thing that this film did not do well was include all of the characters. The others brought them in and out seamlessly, but this one left the large majority out and gave them some screen time every now and again so we could remember that they existed. Malfoy and Snape are barely in it.
-As I said earlier, there is a lot of inconsistency in this film. I didn't like the end at all. Cedric died, and it was sad, but the end made it seem like no-one cared. It was weird. Hopefully the toning issues even out soon.
-Mind you, this film isn't masquerading as a family film like the others. But it is masquerading as an action film. Which I don't like.

Goblet of Fire was okay, but I expected a lot more. As I said, with the arrival of Voldy, things should get more interesting. Well, I hope they do. Back when I 'watched' this movie, I rated it 6/10 on IMDb. Things haven't changed.

What I got:

"I'm not running away, I'm coming home."

Film: Water for Elephants
Year: 2011
Director: Francis Lawrence
Written by: Richard LaGravenese
Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Robert Pattinson, Christoph Waltz, Paul Schneider, Jim Norton, Hal Holbrook, Mark Povinelli, Richard Brake.
Running time: 120 min.

To be honest, the movie world has been a little unfair towards Robert Pattinson. Okay, so his big claim to fame is being the object of many teenage girls (and, you know, those Twi-mums) desire by playing an 108 year old grumpy virgin vampire in the most annoying series of movies and books ever to see the light of day (or not, since they're all about vampires). And, let's be fair, these teenage girls and their mums only like him for one thing: his apparent good looks, not his acting skills. So we've all just written him off, thinking that every movie we see him appear in will be just as terrible as the angsty vampire ones. He was quite good in some of the little indie flicks he did before he appeared on 'I Love Edward' t-shirts hidden beneath sweaters. He wasn't so good in Remember Me (that ending still pisses me off a whole 15 months after I saw the damn thing). But along comes Water for Elephants, an adaption of Sara Gruen's best seller that is very Hollywood and comes when R-Pattz is still kinda in vogue, and it's not all that bad. Well, judging by the way we treat old Robert Pattinson, it could have been a lot worse.

A Conversation with Whomever Voted at the MTV Movie Awards

I didn't watch the MTV Movie Awards, and no, I wasn't particularly interested in them all. It doesn't take any shine off my boots to know that Eclipse beat Inception for the top prize. Because after all, it's just a bunch of teenage girls voting like, a million times for a movie which they think is a masterpiece. I voted, and I didn't vote for that vampire shit. I was the one who voted for Inception in every bloody category.

So anyway, I'm going to be a whole raft of made-up people explaining why the one that won was the best possible choice (just imagine the most obnoxious voice ever, and just imagine that I'm the dumbest person in the world).

(BTW, I saw X-Men: First Class today. There'll be a review up within the next couple of days, but I felt this post was a 'spirit of the moment' kinda thing, y'know?)

BEST MOVIE: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

OMG, like, Eclipse is sooooo intense. The love triangle between Bella and Edward and Jacob is sooooo realistic. I mean, Edward's a vampire and Jacob's a werewolf. Which one should Bella take? That's a huge decision for her. But I hate Bella, coz it should be me who has those two guys fighting over me. Bella is so ugly, you know what I'm saying? Edward and Jacob are so HAWWWWWT. Like, when you have people that HAWWWWT in a movie then how can it not win? Yeah, that's why it one, bitches, coz it has hot guys in it.

BEST ACTOR: Robert Pattinson - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

It was a really hard decision between Taylor and R-Pattz. They were both really amazing in their roles. I mean, I could not understand that Jesse fella in that movie about Facebook. He talked too fast. He was way better in that movie with Kristen Stewart coz she's my idol. Harry Potter is just so gay, coz he has glasses and they make his face look weird. Zac Efron shouldn't be in any other movies coz he's always Troy Bolton to me (ILY 4EVA ZAC xoxo). Anyways, I chose R-Pattz coz he's really white and he looks perfect. Taylor just got too much muscle for one girl to handle, you know what I mean?

BEST ACTRESS: Kristen Stewart - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

That Natalie Portman already won an Oscar for her performance so she don't need another one. Kristen Stewart is so amazing. She really knows how to act, coz she keeps doing weird things with her eyes and hair. That shows real acting skills. I don't even care if Natalie learnt how to dance. I could learn how to dance. As for the other chicks in this category, they don't even compare to K-Stew. Coz they ain't got two hot guys fighting over them.

BEST COMEDIC PERFORMANCE: Emma Stone - Easy A

(this is actually me talking now) Well done, voters. At least you didn't choose Ashton Kutcher.

BEST SCARED AS S**T PERFORMANCE: Ellen Page - Inception

(back to the obnoxious people) I didn't even see Buried, Piranha, The Last Exorcism or The Roommate. So I'll just pick Inception because that movie really confused me and I'd be as scared as shit if I was in that because I wouldn't get what's happening. And OMG I'd be scared if someone blew up Paris while I was in it!!!!!!

BEST LINE FROM A MOVIE: "I wanna get chocolate wasted!" - Grown Ups

Grown Ups is like, the funniest movie since Norbit!!!!!! And I like, so totally use this line all the time because I like chocolate. ROFL!!!!

BEST BREAK-OUT STAR: Chloe Moretz

Kick-Ass was really scary to watch coz there was so much blood and they kept beating up the real hot guy who was wearing the funny green condom. But that chick who played Hit-Girl was pretty awesome. She's so young too, and I thought she owned in that movie. And like, it's really hard being 11 years old, which is why  I thought she wanted to kill so many people. I felt like we could relate there!

BEST VILLAIN: Tom Felton - HP7PT1

I was gonna vote for that Mickey Rourke fella coz I thought he was pretty mean towards plastic surgery. I mean, like, seriously? He freaks me out more than when Jacob and Bella kissed! But then I was like, no, I have watched Harry Potter so I gotta vote for that good looking blonde guy.

BEST KISS: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

I don't even care if two of the hottest chicks ever kissed in some ballet movie. I don't even care if Hermione and Harry kissed after all those years of being wizards. I don't even care if that guy from 3rd Rock from the Sun had a cheeky kiss with Juno. I don't even care if Jacob and Bella kissed. What matters is Edward and Bella kissed coz they love each other!!!! TEAM EDWARD FOR LIFE XOXO

BEST FIGHT: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

So, Inception had a fight scene without gravity? The Fighter had that cutsie chick from Enchanted battling seven annoying sisters? An 11 year old beat the crap out of some old gangster? Pffffft, that has nothing on my boy Edward going up against Victoria and Riley. Victoria was going to kill Bella! Edward did it out of true love! TEAM EDWARD FOR LIFE XOXO

BEST JAW-DROPPING MOMENT: Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

Some guy cuts off his own arm? That's nothing compared to Justin Bieber! He's just so amazing. Yes, I am a Belieber! And us Belieber's have got to stick together for our boy Biebs because he's so hot! When I'm not in love with R-Pattz, I'm all for you, Justin! I love you! I want to marry you! I'm going to stalk you!

BIGGEST BAD-ASS STAR: Chloe Moretz - Kick-Ass

So, like, two years ago, I wore a purple wig to this party and it made my cheekbones look fat. And then I saw Chloe Moretz in Kick-Ass. She wore a purple wig. And her cheekbones did not look fat! OMG that is so bad-ass.

Anyway. I know that the MTV Movie Awards are a load of crap. And I'm sorry if I have offended any Beliebers, Team Edward's or chocolate wasted people with my poor characterization. Truly, I am. But you brought this on yourself.

DVD--The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

or: The death of the sanity of young girls.

One word to sum it up: Lacklustre.

Again, if you happen to be a fan of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, then this is a good place for you not to be. I am most definitely not a fan of this atrocious romp about vamps and wolves, mainly because of it's gross love story and off the mark writing and direction. Also, teen magazines seem to overload on this shit, which has actually turned me against some of the girls (and middle aged women) who like it. What the hell is wrong with you? Eclipse isn't a film, it's just a reason to waste our time looking at some poofy vampire, a stoned girl and a guy with a body made of steroids and a face which hasn't reached puberty yet.

Bella (Kristen Stewart) once again finds herself surrounded by danger as Seattle is ravaged by a string of mysterious killings and a malicious vampire continues her quest for revenge. In the midst of it all, she is forced to choose between her love for Edward (Robert Pattinson) and her friendship with Jacob (Taylor Lautner)...knowing that her decision has the potential to ignite the struggle between vampire and werewolf. With her graduation quickly approaching, Bella is confronted with the most important decision of her life.

Let's see...people who love the series to death, own the entire book series, have walls plastered with posters of R-Pattz and Taylor Lautner, and have plenty of Twilight memorabillia, they will love this third installment. People who have never seen the series before won't understand it and therefore won't get quite a kick out of it. People like me, who are just following the series for the hell of it, will find themselves laughing at this movies helplessness and immaturity. Almost everything about it is wrong. Apart from the fact that this is a slight step up from the horribleness that was New Moon.

David Slade's direction is welcomed when it comes to handling the action sequences (and, thank God, there are more of those), but even they are reduced to being laughable. Sometimes I wonder if these guys have ever watched any real vampire films (if there are any)...because I don't think that vampires are made of cement. But again, despite the new director, we are seeing more soppy and almost creepy direction when it comes to the love scenes. Another thing that goes wrong in this film is the overstuffing of characters who do not need to be there. Yeah, they were in the books, but they just don't work as well in the movie. It's like asking the entire cast of Valentine's Day to be in one scene together and to know each other as if they were best friends. In other words, it doesn't work.

I can't review this film without going on about the three leads. Kristen Stewart may have once been talented, but it's like Twilight killed that talent. I feel kinda sorry for her, because people will forever know her as Bella Swan and won't recognize her much better work in the likes of Adventureland and The Runaways. But even then, her heavy reliance on blinking and pushing her hair back is just a tad annoying. Robert Pattinson basically has no future now. He'll forever be that creepy Edward Cullen, and while that may be good for his bank account and popularity, it won't be good for the future of his career. Enjoy it while it lasts. Taylor Lautner is just an example of a hot young actor who never had a future anyway. He's not particularly good in this (I mean, who is? Apart from Anna Kendrick), and I'm guessing people only like him because of his looks. What makes it worse is the lacklustre material that these actors feel obligated to drone out with little or no inflection, making this a boring two hours. Unless you take the piss out of it. Now that makes this movie worth watching.


THE VERDICT: What do you want me to say? It was awful. But it was better than New Moon, so it deserves extra points for that.

4/10