Monday, June 6, 2011

A Conversation with Whomever Voted at the MTV Movie Awards

I didn't watch the MTV Movie Awards, and no, I wasn't particularly interested in them all. It doesn't take any shine off my boots to know that Eclipse beat Inception for the top prize. Because after all, it's just a bunch of teenage girls voting like, a million times for a movie which they think is a masterpiece. I voted, and I didn't vote for that vampire shit. I was the one who voted for Inception in every bloody category.

So anyway, I'm going to be a whole raft of made-up people explaining why the one that won was the best possible choice (just imagine the most obnoxious voice ever, and just imagine that I'm the dumbest person in the world).

(BTW, I saw X-Men: First Class today. There'll be a review up within the next couple of days, but I felt this post was a 'spirit of the moment' kinda thing, y'know?)

BEST MOVIE: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

OMG, like, Eclipse is sooooo intense. The love triangle between Bella and Edward and Jacob is sooooo realistic. I mean, Edward's a vampire and Jacob's a werewolf. Which one should Bella take? That's a huge decision for her. But I hate Bella, coz it should be me who has those two guys fighting over me. Bella is so ugly, you know what I'm saying? Edward and Jacob are so HAWWWWWT. Like, when you have people that HAWWWWT in a movie then how can it not win? Yeah, that's why it one, bitches, coz it has hot guys in it.

BEST ACTOR: Robert Pattinson - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

It was a really hard decision between Taylor and R-Pattz. They were both really amazing in their roles. I mean, I could not understand that Jesse fella in that movie about Facebook. He talked too fast. He was way better in that movie with Kristen Stewart coz she's my idol. Harry Potter is just so gay, coz he has glasses and they make his face look weird. Zac Efron shouldn't be in any other movies coz he's always Troy Bolton to me (ILY 4EVA ZAC xoxo). Anyways, I chose R-Pattz coz he's really white and he looks perfect. Taylor just got too much muscle for one girl to handle, you know what I mean?

BEST ACTRESS: Kristen Stewart - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

That Natalie Portman already won an Oscar for her performance so she don't need another one. Kristen Stewart is so amazing. She really knows how to act, coz she keeps doing weird things with her eyes and hair. That shows real acting skills. I don't even care if Natalie learnt how to dance. I could learn how to dance. As for the other chicks in this category, they don't even compare to K-Stew. Coz they ain't got two hot guys fighting over them.


(this is actually me talking now) Well done, voters. At least you didn't choose Ashton Kutcher.


(back to the obnoxious people) I didn't even see Buried, Piranha, The Last Exorcism or The Roommate. So I'll just pick Inception because that movie really confused me and I'd be as scared as shit if I was in that because I wouldn't get what's happening. And OMG I'd be scared if someone blew up Paris while I was in it!!!!!!

BEST LINE FROM A MOVIE: "I wanna get chocolate wasted!" - Grown Ups

Grown Ups is like, the funniest movie since Norbit!!!!!! And I like, so totally use this line all the time because I like chocolate. ROFL!!!!


Kick-Ass was really scary to watch coz there was so much blood and they kept beating up the real hot guy who was wearing the funny green condom. But that chick who played Hit-Girl was pretty awesome. She's so young too, and I thought she owned in that movie. And like, it's really hard being 11 years old, which is why  I thought she wanted to kill so many people. I felt like we could relate there!


I was gonna vote for that Mickey Rourke fella coz I thought he was pretty mean towards plastic surgery. I mean, like, seriously? He freaks me out more than when Jacob and Bella kissed! But then I was like, no, I have watched Harry Potter so I gotta vote for that good looking blonde guy.

BEST KISS: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

I don't even care if two of the hottest chicks ever kissed in some ballet movie. I don't even care if Hermione and Harry kissed after all those years of being wizards. I don't even care if that guy from 3rd Rock from the Sun had a cheeky kiss with Juno. I don't even care if Jacob and Bella kissed. What matters is Edward and Bella kissed coz they love each other!!!! TEAM EDWARD FOR LIFE XOXO

BEST FIGHT: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

So, Inception had a fight scene without gravity? The Fighter had that cutsie chick from Enchanted battling seven annoying sisters? An 11 year old beat the crap out of some old gangster? Pffffft, that has nothing on my boy Edward going up against Victoria and Riley. Victoria was going to kill Bella! Edward did it out of true love! TEAM EDWARD FOR LIFE XOXO

BEST JAW-DROPPING MOMENT: Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

Some guy cuts off his own arm? That's nothing compared to Justin Bieber! He's just so amazing. Yes, I am a Belieber! And us Belieber's have got to stick together for our boy Biebs because he's so hot! When I'm not in love with R-Pattz, I'm all for you, Justin! I love you! I want to marry you! I'm going to stalk you!

BIGGEST BAD-ASS STAR: Chloe Moretz - Kick-Ass

So, like, two years ago, I wore a purple wig to this party and it made my cheekbones look fat. And then I saw Chloe Moretz in Kick-Ass. She wore a purple wig. And her cheekbones did not look fat! OMG that is so bad-ass.

Anyway. I know that the MTV Movie Awards are a load of crap. And I'm sorry if I have offended any Beliebers, Team Edward's or chocolate wasted people with my poor characterization. Truly, I am. But you brought this on yourself.


  1. I don't care about these awards either, although I also voted for Inception in every category -- how couldn't I support it?! The results don't surprise at all. Of course, they are very unfair. The Best Fight, people! Every intelligent person would know the right answer. I mean the spinning corridor! The real spinning corridor. (Not sure if "spinning" is teh right word, but you know what I mean).

    LOL I like the way you wrote the post. And... don't waste your apologies before those who you could have offended. I don't think they would get it was a mockery :)

  2. Haha, love this post :D.
    Actually, I do like to watch The Twilight Series sometimes, but come on - it's not like it's a good film AT ALL. It's just... you know... the cake in between... or something.
    And Grown-Ups as well... These are mainstream-watch-when-you're-like-really-bored films, or watch-with-your-friends-then-they're-fun films - not films that are supposed to win any awards. God...

  3. Kind of makes us both embarrassed that we're teenage girls, huh?

  4. Oh god, I'm so glad I didn't watch the MTV movie awards. I don't know if it's me getting older or kids getting dumber, but those are some messed-up wins. Loved the way you wrote this, really funny, haha

  5. I just read the winners, and I thought yeah, those voters are ALL twilight fans.

  6. This is an absolute joke isn't it?

  7. Thank you, good sir, for making my day infinitely better with this fine comedic article.

    But hey, let's not start hating on Tom Felton and the Harry Potter series just yet, I hold that franchise close to heart.

  8. Pardon me, I meant 'madam.' Good madam. Yeah...

  9. Hahaha, this is great! Nothing brightens my day like good Vampire mockery! And you're right, it's sole Twilight groupies and Beliebers that vote for this award show. I never take it seriously. But still I'll never understand how there are so many girls my age out there who like that crap and don't realize the true art of film. Pity..

  10. Hilarious!

    these results were only to be expected, didn't Twilight sweep the awards last year and the year before that as well?
    Pretty depressing actually...

  11. Were you really surprised, darling?

  12. Despite my distate of Twilight, think kristen is actually a pretty good actress(I liked her in The Runaways). Still, Anything twilight related does not deserve any awards.

    Chloe Mortez was kind of bad-ass as Hit Girl. I also think Grown Ups is actually a pretty good movie9I was unsure of it in the beginning, but in the end actually came together). And i would rather someone from harry Potter when best villian than anyone from twilight

    How the hell Ellen got best freakout performance is beyond me tho...not that her performance in Inception was bad, but it was not freakouted.

  13. You know, you're intelligence bleeds through too much here. For instance, me and my teenage compadres haven't the mental creativity to liken the Kick-Ass suit with a green condom. We simply don't have it in us.

  14. ahahaha, I laughed so much, great post! I didn't watch the MTV award either (I don't even think I get that channel?), but all the Twilight love made me die a little inside...Still, like you say. Teenage girls. I was a teenage girl a few years ago (though I probably wouldn't have voted Twilight) Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson both have talent I think...they just need to get away from the vampires!

  15. Lesya - I thought that Inception would have won best fight. Because there was no gravity for heavens sakes! The Eclipse one wasn't even that special. Oh well, we all know that one die-hard fan probably spent hours every day voting for Eclipse over and over again.

    Lime(tte) - The Twilight films are okay to watch but they ain't good at all. Same with Grown Ups, that actually wasn't that bad.

    Anna - Definitely!

    Maria Sofia - I don't even know what goes through some people's minds sometimes. Thanks!

    Andina - Poor Twilight fans. I can't wait til the series is over.

    Andy - Yup!

    Atroxion - I'm glad I made your day better! And I haven't seen any of the Harry Potter movies, so I can't really complain about it, haha.

    Chelsea - Girls my age are blind. Well, most of them, anyway. Most of the girls I know are quite good with their movie watching and we all hate Twilight. Vampire mockery is fun!

    Jack - Unfortunately, as long as Twilight keeps going, the longer we'll have to put up with this shit.

    Rachel - Not really. But I'm sure like 95% of the world hates Twilight and the other 5% love it so much that they voted for it a million times.

    dirtywithclass - Kristen Stewart was actually really good in The Runaways. However, she hasn't wowed me yet.
    Grown Ups is an alright movie. I liked it a lot more than others did.
    I guess Ellen won that category because no-one else had seen the other movies up for contention, so the people who were voting a million times for Eclipse just voted for Ellen coz they'd heard of Inception.

    Simon - In Kick-Ass, the big guy outside Razul's house sees Kick-Ass in his suit and he's like "What the fuck are you supposed to be? The green condom?" So, that wasn't a Stevee original, I'm not intelligent enough!

    Ruth - Thanks! I don't have the channel either. I'm sure K-Stew and R-Pattz have talent, and once Twilight pisses off, they'll be able to show that talent.

  16. I have a feeling that people vote for Twilight as a joke like.. "Oh I'll just vote for the dumb film for fun. I'm sure they won't actually be stupid enough to give the prize to it." Except everyone does this...or maybe I put too much trust in people...or maybe they are stupid. Ugh MTV have me at wit's end!

  17. That's a good explanation, and I have no doubt that that is 50% of the case. The other 50% comes down to the stupidity of Twilight fans.

  18. that is awesome! actually made me almost laugh out loud :)

  19. classic charaterisation. have you thought of turning this blogpost in to a book and getting that turned in to a movie? your voice is so now. you'll defo win an mtv award.

  20. Haha, I will write this book now. I imagine it will sweep the MTV Awards. Kristen Stewart and Justin Bieber are gonna star in it :P

  21. omfg you fkn totez wish, there so hawt rgt nw.

    enough with that! congrats in you lamby. i'll be sure to stop by some more to see if the fuss is deserved. fellow antipodean bloggers should stick together anyway.

  22. Thanks! I hope not to let you down :)

  23. the first three parts of Twilight was awesome after that this movie got bored. But still since I got cable TV services I watch this movie whenever it comes up on any channel.


You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.


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