A Conversation with Whomever Voted at the MTV Movie Awards

I didn't watch the MTV Movie Awards, and no, I wasn't particularly interested in them all. It doesn't take any shine off my boots to know that Eclipse beat Inception for the top prize. Because after all, it's just a bunch of teenage girls voting like, a million times for a movie which they think is a masterpiece. I voted, and I didn't vote for that vampire shit. I was the one who voted for Inception in every bloody category.

So anyway, I'm going to be a whole raft of made-up people explaining why the one that won was the best possible choice (just imagine the most obnoxious voice ever, and just imagine that I'm the dumbest person in the world).

(BTW, I saw X-Men: First Class today. There'll be a review up within the next couple of days, but I felt this post was a 'spirit of the moment' kinda thing, y'know?)

BEST MOVIE: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

OMG, like, Eclipse is sooooo intense. The love triangle between Bella and Edward and Jacob is sooooo realistic. I mean, Edward's a vampire and Jacob's a werewolf. Which one should Bella take? That's a huge decision for her. But I hate Bella, coz it should be me who has those two guys fighting over me. Bella is so ugly, you know what I'm saying? Edward and Jacob are so HAWWWWWT. Like, when you have people that HAWWWWT in a movie then how can it not win? Yeah, that's why it one, bitches, coz it has hot guys in it.

BEST ACTOR: Robert Pattinson - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

It was a really hard decision between Taylor and R-Pattz. They were both really amazing in their roles. I mean, I could not understand that Jesse fella in that movie about Facebook. He talked too fast. He was way better in that movie with Kristen Stewart coz she's my idol. Harry Potter is just so gay, coz he has glasses and they make his face look weird. Zac Efron shouldn't be in any other movies coz he's always Troy Bolton to me (ILY 4EVA ZAC xoxo). Anyways, I chose R-Pattz coz he's really white and he looks perfect. Taylor just got too much muscle for one girl to handle, you know what I mean?

BEST ACTRESS: Kristen Stewart - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

That Natalie Portman already won an Oscar for her performance so she don't need another one. Kristen Stewart is so amazing. She really knows how to act, coz she keeps doing weird things with her eyes and hair. That shows real acting skills. I don't even care if Natalie learnt how to dance. I could learn how to dance. As for the other chicks in this category, they don't even compare to K-Stew. Coz they ain't got two hot guys fighting over them.

BEST COMEDIC PERFORMANCE: Emma Stone - Easy A

(this is actually me talking now) Well done, voters. At least you didn't choose Ashton Kutcher.

BEST SCARED AS S**T PERFORMANCE: Ellen Page - Inception

(back to the obnoxious people) I didn't even see Buried, Piranha, The Last Exorcism or The Roommate. So I'll just pick Inception because that movie really confused me and I'd be as scared as shit if I was in that because I wouldn't get what's happening. And OMG I'd be scared if someone blew up Paris while I was in it!!!!!!

BEST LINE FROM A MOVIE: "I wanna get chocolate wasted!" - Grown Ups

Grown Ups is like, the funniest movie since Norbit!!!!!! And I like, so totally use this line all the time because I like chocolate. ROFL!!!!

BEST BREAK-OUT STAR: Chloe Moretz

Kick-Ass was really scary to watch coz there was so much blood and they kept beating up the real hot guy who was wearing the funny green condom. But that chick who played Hit-Girl was pretty awesome. She's so young too, and I thought she owned in that movie. And like, it's really hard being 11 years old, which is why  I thought she wanted to kill so many people. I felt like we could relate there!

BEST VILLAIN: Tom Felton - HP7PT1

I was gonna vote for that Mickey Rourke fella coz I thought he was pretty mean towards plastic surgery. I mean, like, seriously? He freaks me out more than when Jacob and Bella kissed! But then I was like, no, I have watched Harry Potter so I gotta vote for that good looking blonde guy.

BEST KISS: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

I don't even care if two of the hottest chicks ever kissed in some ballet movie. I don't even care if Hermione and Harry kissed after all those years of being wizards. I don't even care if that guy from 3rd Rock from the Sun had a cheeky kiss with Juno. I don't even care if Jacob and Bella kissed. What matters is Edward and Bella kissed coz they love each other!!!! TEAM EDWARD FOR LIFE XOXO

BEST FIGHT: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

So, Inception had a fight scene without gravity? The Fighter had that cutsie chick from Enchanted battling seven annoying sisters? An 11 year old beat the crap out of some old gangster? Pffffft, that has nothing on my boy Edward going up against Victoria and Riley. Victoria was going to kill Bella! Edward did it out of true love! TEAM EDWARD FOR LIFE XOXO

BEST JAW-DROPPING MOMENT: Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

Some guy cuts off his own arm? That's nothing compared to Justin Bieber! He's just so amazing. Yes, I am a Belieber! And us Belieber's have got to stick together for our boy Biebs because he's so hot! When I'm not in love with R-Pattz, I'm all for you, Justin! I love you! I want to marry you! I'm going to stalk you!

BIGGEST BAD-ASS STAR: Chloe Moretz - Kick-Ass

So, like, two years ago, I wore a purple wig to this party and it made my cheekbones look fat. And then I saw Chloe Moretz in Kick-Ass. She wore a purple wig. And her cheekbones did not look fat! OMG that is so bad-ass.

Anyway. I know that the MTV Movie Awards are a load of crap. And I'm sorry if I have offended any Beliebers, Team Edward's or chocolate wasted people with my poor characterization. Truly, I am. But you brought this on yourself.

Top 10 lessons I learned in 2010 movies.

Last year we may have seen some crap movies being released, but at least we can feel happy in saying that we have learnt 10 valuable lessons which we can apply to everyday life. Okay...maybe that is going a bit far, but once you read this, you’ll be jumping for joy that you now know these things. And my teachers say I don’t learn anything from movies...

10. ‘Women in the Middle East really wear ridiculously expensive clothes under their burqas.’

Movie: Sex and the City 2
If there is a way to get a message about female liberation into a mainstream Hollywood movie, then, by all means, make a group of Middle Eastern women wear designer clothing under their burqas and shove it in an overlong sequel to the Godmother of chick flicks. Because that is not only the most ridiculous thing ever, but it is also the funniest thing about that horrendous movie. While you’re at it, throw in whole lot of other digs on the Middle Eastern race and make a whole lot of jokes around that bad representation. Well done, you are almost as funny as a dog eating a pair of $650 Prada boots.

9. ‘Saying goodbye to toys is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.'

Movie: Toy Story 3
Luckily, I’ve never had to experience this as I just locked my toys away in my closet (where they are undoubtedly trapped up 10 tonnes of dust...ew). But watching that glorious PIXAR creation made me come to the conclusion that there is one thing I never want to do: say goodbye to my toys. So many great memories! And if I couldn’t handle watching the great parting in a movie (I think I used a whole box of tissues at the end), then I certainly can’t handle it in real life.

8. ‘Need to plant an idea during a ten hour flight? Just buy the whole airline...it’s neater.’

Movie: Inception
If you are planning to plant an idea in someone’s head, while going through many layers of dreams to get there, you are going to need a long plane ride so the mark has no idea. While you’re practical point man may suggest just buying out the whole cabin in a 747 plane, plus the first class flight attendant (who also happens to be Christopher Nolan’s cousin), there is no need to be so plain. Just make sure you have a rich Japanese businessman on the team so he can buy the airline, because ‘it seemed neater’. Thank him by getting him shot by the mark’s subconscious, having a woman-whose-actually-a-man hit on him and then sending him to limbo, where he gets remarkably wrinkly. Once he wakes up, stare at him for ages, and then he will get you back to your family. What can we say? You get your time’s worth with this guy.

7. ‘Vampires are made out of cement.’

Movie: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
In the first movie, we discover that vampires can go out in the sunlight and not burst in flames. In the second movie, we discover that werewolves don’t like to wear shirts. In this movie, we discover that when you kill a vampire (by going on one of those head-to-head rampages Lord of the Rings styles), they break like cement. Hmmmmm, I always knew they were dead creatures, but do they really turn into cement? Reason #5689 to believe True Blood more than this shonky Twilight series.

6. ‘Don’t just be a slut. Be a super slut!’

Movie: Easy A
Or, rather, this lesson should be ‘lie to advance your financial standing’. Olive lies to lose her virginity, which helps get her attention. Then she helps her friend lie about his sexuality to get him more attention. Then she helps a whole lot of other guys lie about how they got the girl so she can get a label maker. All while doing this, she dresses in some ‘whore couture’ and symbolizes herself with a red ‘A’ for ‘adulterer’. She could have just stopped at the first lie, but she went all the way. All without losing her V-card. Go Olive!

5. ‘Always keep a long jersey in the safe.’

Movie: 4.3.2.1.
For those of you haven’t seen the film (i.e. most of you), I’ll give you a rundown on why this is such a great idea. Cassandra, who is played by the tall and beautiful up-comer Tamsin Egerton, goes to New York to not only try and get into a prestigious music school, but to meet her internet boyfriend. He doesn’t meet her as originally planned, and she goes for a bit of retail therapy to spend her sorrows away. However, her ‘internet boyfriend’ turns up at her hotel room, and they have a rather physical first date. When she wakes up in the morning, she finds that all of her clothes are gone, and she’s reduced to her smalls. But, never fear! Luckily, in the safe, she finds a pink jersey which is long enough to not be revealing. In this jersey she goes on a one woman crusade to find her clothes (when she finds out that her internet boyfriend isn’t the one she slept with...he’s really a nerd), then to seek revenge on the nerd and the thief, and then to audition for her music school (way later than her planned audition). She did this all in her trusty pink jersey. And that’s why you should always keep a jersey in the safe.

4. ‘If you want to disguise your voice as you are a superhero, PUT emphasis ON all the WRONG words.’

Movie: Kick-Ass
Whether this be just Nicolas Cage’s useless acting, or his attempt at an ‘Adam West’ impersonation, all I can say is that doesn’t make him sound tough or super at all. No, it makes him sound like an idiot. But, then again, it’s more understandable than Christian Bale’s emphysema-like voice as Batman. Either way, it’s damn annoying, and it’s further proof that Monsieur Cage needs to go back to drama school to learn how to successfully apply inflection and emphasis to his voice.

3. ‘Don’t trust the old lady who comes into the diner.’

Movie: Legion
In the most unintentionally funniest movie moment of the year, Legion gives us a lesson that we wouldn’t think of ourselves: an old lady could attack you at any given moment. Warning signs: she orders a bloody steak, she makes polite conversation, she tells you ‘all the little babies are gonna burn’. Just don’t try and be a hero, because she will bite you, then attempt to be Spiderman, before some guy shoots her. Yeah, she was supposed to be an angel. As the whole movie was supposed to be about angels, but turned out being a movie with religious undertones, B-grade horror and some more of that apocalyptic shit the Hollywood gods think we love watching.

2. ‘You can’t feed chicken to a chicken.’

Movie: The Social Network
Forced cannibalism. One of the many themes which are part of the amazingness that is The Social Network. I mean, who would have thought ‘the Facebook movie’ would have so many great messages? I never knew you couldn’t feed chicken to a chicken. Poor Eduardo, he seemed so down when this story got out. But in his defence, he had thought about it: “Don't fish eat other fish? The marlins and the trouts!” This was the best of the many lessons I learned throughout this film, which include: Girls will actually like Mark, even if he is a nerd, but they won’t because he is an asshole; We lived in cities, then farms, and now on the internet; and that dating Mark Zuckerberg is like dating a Stairmaster. So much for this movie being as interesting as a photo album called ‘Random’!

1. ‘Pacman was originally called Puck-man.’

Movie: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
In Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, we learnt that bread makes you fat, chicken is not vegan and the ‘L’ word is in fact lesbian, but none of those lessons were as valuable as Pacman’s true origins. “Did you know that the original name for Pac-Man was Puck-Man? You'd think it was because he looks like a hockey puck but it actually comes from the Japanese phrase 'Paku-Paku,' which means to flap one's mouth open and closed. They changed it because they thought Puck-Man would be too easy to vandalize, you know, like people could just scratch off the P and turn it into an F or whatever.”...Scott Pilgrim’s favourite pick up line, which is so interesting that he got to date Ramona Flowers (I’m joking, it failed...lesson #55 of this movie: never use that as a pick up line). As Kim would say: “Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it.”

DVD--The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

or: The death of the sanity of young girls.

One word to sum it up: Lacklustre.

Again, if you happen to be a fan of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, then this is a good place for you not to be. I am most definitely not a fan of this atrocious romp about vamps and wolves, mainly because of it's gross love story and off the mark writing and direction. Also, teen magazines seem to overload on this shit, which has actually turned me against some of the girls (and middle aged women) who like it. What the hell is wrong with you? Eclipse isn't a film, it's just a reason to waste our time looking at some poofy vampire, a stoned girl and a guy with a body made of steroids and a face which hasn't reached puberty yet.

Bella (Kristen Stewart) once again finds herself surrounded by danger as Seattle is ravaged by a string of mysterious killings and a malicious vampire continues her quest for revenge. In the midst of it all, she is forced to choose between her love for Edward (Robert Pattinson) and her friendship with Jacob (Taylor Lautner)...knowing that her decision has the potential to ignite the struggle between vampire and werewolf. With her graduation quickly approaching, Bella is confronted with the most important decision of her life.

Let's see...people who love the series to death, own the entire book series, have walls plastered with posters of R-Pattz and Taylor Lautner, and have plenty of Twilight memorabillia, they will love this third installment. People who have never seen the series before won't understand it and therefore won't get quite a kick out of it. People like me, who are just following the series for the hell of it, will find themselves laughing at this movies helplessness and immaturity. Almost everything about it is wrong. Apart from the fact that this is a slight step up from the horribleness that was New Moon.

David Slade's direction is welcomed when it comes to handling the action sequences (and, thank God, there are more of those), but even they are reduced to being laughable. Sometimes I wonder if these guys have ever watched any real vampire films (if there are any)...because I don't think that vampires are made of cement. But again, despite the new director, we are seeing more soppy and almost creepy direction when it comes to the love scenes. Another thing that goes wrong in this film is the overstuffing of characters who do not need to be there. Yeah, they were in the books, but they just don't work as well in the movie. It's like asking the entire cast of Valentine's Day to be in one scene together and to know each other as if they were best friends. In other words, it doesn't work.

I can't review this film without going on about the three leads. Kristen Stewart may have once been talented, but it's like Twilight killed that talent. I feel kinda sorry for her, because people will forever know her as Bella Swan and won't recognize her much better work in the likes of Adventureland and The Runaways. But even then, her heavy reliance on blinking and pushing her hair back is just a tad annoying. Robert Pattinson basically has no future now. He'll forever be that creepy Edward Cullen, and while that may be good for his bank account and popularity, it won't be good for the future of his career. Enjoy it while it lasts. Taylor Lautner is just an example of a hot young actor who never had a future anyway. He's not particularly good in this (I mean, who is? Apart from Anna Kendrick), and I'm guessing people only like him because of his looks. What makes it worse is the lacklustre material that these actors feel obligated to drone out with little or no inflection, making this a boring two hours. Unless you take the piss out of it. Now that makes this movie worth watching.


THE VERDICT: What do you want me to say? It was awful. But it was better than New Moon, so it deserves extra points for that.

4/10