Thursday, March 15, 2012

A Conversation with The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

I've noticed that since I started this series up again, I've been 'interviewing' some quite bad films. But they're the easiest to talk to, aside from films with great scripts (like anything by Paul Thomas Anderson - or L.A. Confidential, I had great fun with that one). Oh well, I only aim to entertain, and taking the piss out of a Twilight film is one of the best ways to do that. If you are unsure of how this series works, check back here for previous entries. The skinny is that my 'interviewer' Christopher (no reference to anyone living or dead) has a 'chat' with a specific movie. And today's movie just so happens to be The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1.

CHRISTOPHER: Hello there. Would you mind stepping out of the dark so I can see you?
BREAKING DAWN 1: I'm a vampire movie. I don't do lights.

C: That's an odd thing to say, considering your main vampire Edward spends a good deal of time sitting outside, in the sunlight, playing chess, and not sparkling.
BD1: He gets a lot of shit for sparkling.

C: I hate to break it to you, but vampires don't sparkle. They're not supposed to be fairies.
BD1: This argument has been going on since 2008. Just let Edward and his vampire family be. If they want to be fairies, they can let their freak flag fly.

C: Hmmmm. So far, we've had the love story between Edward and Bella, and Bella has been killed almost fifty times, plus there's something about some werewolves, one in particular who likes to take his shirt off. What do you have to offer to this obviously epic 'saga'?
BD1: Well, Bella and Edward get married, and Bella almost gets killed again. There's a really short sex scene in there, too - we didn't want to freak any little girls out.

C: So Bella almost gets killed again, what a surprise. How does it happen this time?
BD1: She gets pregnant. With a vampire/human hybrid. Now ain't that excitement for all the little fangirls?

C: Oh yes. I imagine a fetus that's half human is very exciting to whoever still likes you after all this time.
BD1: I still have fans. Mainly the mothers of teenagers who have already outgrown me. Mothers dig that sort of stuff.

C: That is quite surprising, as the series has just got worse and worse. You started out as an indie, which was fine, but then you got all cocky and the budgets got bigger.
BD1: As long as we're making money and winning lots of MTV Movie Awards, we're happy.

C: Are you aware that you're nominated for 8 Razzies?
BD1: Are you aware that that is probably more nominations than Drive got for anything this awards season? See, we're on the top of our game.

C: I'm not even going to say anything to that. Now this is only the first part to the final book. Tell me, why does hardly anything happen?
BD1: What do you mean, 'why does hardly anything happen?'. Edward and Bella play chess for at least 50% of the movie. And everyone thinks that is so romantic. Plus, chess is a game which needs to be brought back out into the spotlight. Harry Potter had a go at making it cool and all, but I think Edward and Bella really nailed it.

C: Yes, I'm going out to buy myself a chess set and hope that some clumsy, boring girl comes to play it with me on a beach. So romantic. 
BD1: It is romantic, for the fangirls, their mothers, and the teens that claim to be hipster but only think that chess is cool because I showed them it in a romantic light. 

C: Oh yay. So you expect them to believe in true love at first sight, with both a vampire and a werewolf, as well?
BD1: Yes.

C: Isn't being in love with a vampire kinda dangerous?
BD1: Do teenage girls think? No.

C: Oh well, if it were dangerous, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson don't do a good job of showing it.
BD1: Who cares? Everyone thinks they're good looking.

C: And what does she see in Taylor Lautner?
BD1: True emotion. You see how he furrows his eyebrows all of the time? And how he got so angry about the wedding invitation that he ripped off his shirt and went for a run? That boy has no heart of stone.

C: Just a face of stone. Thankfully, we only have to endure one more of your films. But you picked a stupid moment to end yourself on.
BD1: It is called ambiguity. All the cool movies end with a shot like that. I mean, you saw that movie called Inception, right? It had that spinning top at the end. And even though I didn't understand that, I thought that last shot was cool because spinning tops are so 2002 which is soooooo retro. So I decided to end with a shot like that, and everyone would be like, that shot is so cool. I mean, how else could I end?

C: I don't know, by fitting the entire book into one film so we could only have four films instead of five?
BD1: You don't understand. The longer we keep milking this vampire thing, the more money we can make. They'll be rebooting the series in a couple of years.

C: Oh God, now I really do hope the apocalypse happens. Do you have any final words?

What I got:


  1. HAHAH @ Tyler!!

    I think the Fight Club picture sums up what I would need to actually watch this abortion

  2. Brilliant as usually, I laughed so hard!
    Hate that movie. Second worst after Dark of the Moon. The worst in this franchise.

    1. Thanks! I dunno...I thought that New Moon was the worst. Mind you, that was the book that I liked the least.

  3. I'm not going to write that I enjoyed parts of this film... shit - already did it!
    Anyway, cool series, how come I haven't read any of the previous posts... ?

    1. I enjoyed some bits, but only some.
      And I don't know!

  4. How do you know vampires don't sparkles? HOW???


  5. Hehehehe.
    I would add a question about that birth scene, and the weird biting thing after. So freaky. Why do little girls watch this? I would be scarred for life.
    And oh oh the fact that Edward is totally fine with the fact that creepy shirtless Taylor Lautner is in love with his 10 minute old daughter. Eugh.

    1. That biting thing was WEIRD. Gosh, someone who I work with was going to let her 9 year old daughter watch this...that would have been uncomfortable.

      I never got that whole Jacob/Renesmee (however the hell you spell her name) thing. I never got Jacob all together. Ugh.

  6. :)) Funny as usual!

    When I read the books about 4 years ago, I liked them; but then I saw the movies and I asked myself, what the hell was I thinking? The 4th book (movies 4&5) was just ridiculous in many ways, the last straw being the whole Jacob- Renesmee- creepy and over the top! But hey, I'll still see the last movie, I wanna watch Kristen Stewart try to be badass :)

    1. Same here. I thought the books were okay but the movies screwed them up so bad. I think the last film will be the most interesting...if they do it right.

  7. Funny, but I have to admit I quite like the films. They get a really rough ride, but there is definitely a sense that they are aware of how silly they are being (particularly if you hear Robert Pattinson discussing the films in interviews!).

    I'm totally not the target demographic for them, but hey, I find them enjoyable. Definitely thought Breaking Dawn Pt 1 was interesting...

    1. I love how Robert Pattinson discusses these films! No-one hates Twilight more than him!

  8. I got a question for BD1, aren't vampires supposed to be dead or something? If they are dead, how in the hell are they supposed to procreate someone? Do they actually have any bodily fluids inside them in case they're to impregnate someone?

    Plus, since Edward is technically dead, would this constitute as necrophilia or something?

    Mind you, there has been movies that are much better that explore that theme in a very provocative manner.

    BD1, have you seen a little 1996 Canadian indie movie with Molly Parker called Kissed?

    1. That is true. Then again, to quote BD1, "teenage girls don't think"

  9. Nice article! I did however like the movie, Lautner was the only bad thing about it. I think the fact Stewart got nominated for Razzie just shows how ridiculous Razzies are, she was very good and did whatever she could with her character. The story is silly sure, but at least the production values are great - the ending was incredible, I loved that whole monatage and the subtle CGI with Bella coming back to life.

    1. Stewart was actually pretty okay in this one. I think it is just her character and the way she is written which bogs her down. And I admit, I did like that montage!

  10. Ahah, this is awesome!! Way more entertaining than the movie which I actually had to endure this past weekend. LOVE Christopher's jab about the lack of sparkles, I mean they can't even be consistent with their vampire mythology!!

    1. Hahaha, thanks! And no, they can't be consistent with their fake vampire mythology!

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