We Might Be Hollow, But We're Brave: Spring Breakers and The Bling Ring (and Lorde)

But every song's like: Gold teeth, Grey Goose, Tripping in the bathroom, Bloodstains, Ball gowns, Trashing the hotel roomWe don't care, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams
But everybody's like: Crystal, Maybach, Diamonds on your timepiece, Jet planes, Islands, Tigers on a gold leashWe don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair

Why the hook from Lorde's uber-phenomenonal song, Royals? It isn't just that I'm madly in love with the girl who makes me feel largely inadequate as someone in a school year ahead of her (damn you talent god for not making me musical), but because Royals became somewhat of an anthem for the NZ teenager, and somehow the rest of the world caught on. I mean, last week (or last year, whatever), I bought a copy of Vogue Magazine, purely because it had Jessica Chastain on the cover, and I was confused by how there were 65 pages of advertisements before the actual magazine started, and one of the options for a Christmas gift were $490 place-card name holders. Like, it was a big deal that I spent $25 on buying my Mum The Heat for Christmas. But hey, this is a reality for some people - and that reality is something that has been touched upon by many films in 2013 that I've unofficially called the "Look at My Shit New Wave". Falling under the umbrella of this slice of history that we'll no doubt be studying in a few years is The Wolf of Wall Street, Side Effects, Blue Jasmine, Pain & Gain, The Great Gatsby and The Bling Ring and Spring Breakers, which I'll be focusing on in this post. I'm told that films like American Hustle and The Counselor could fall under this umbrella, but I haven't had a chance to see them yet.

It is kinda funny how Lorde's music became big in 2013, defining teenagerdom, when we had The Bling Ring and Spring Breakers to define teenagerdom in film (bar The Spectacular Now, which paints a different, if equally true picture). The funny thing is that several songs off Lorde's album, particularly 'White Teeth Teens' and 'Tennis Court' wouldn't be out of place if they were to headline the soundtracks of those two films. They both depict the obsessive nature of teenagers, and how they dream of projecting a better life filled with diamonds on their timepieces and tigers on gold leashes. However, where The Bling Ring has already privileged teens wanting more, Spring Breakers has empty teenagers left broke and bored by their studies trying to achieve the kind of life the kids of The Bling Ring already have.

A Conversation with Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

I was one of the few people who actually watched Journey to the Centre of the Earth. Not by choice. When I was in my last year of primary school, our reward for doing road wardens was going down to the then-running (and then-extremely cold and incredibly gross) cinemas to watch that movie. Anyway, you're probably wondering why I'd watch a sequel, which stars my least favourite actor Dwayne Johnson. Two reasons: 1) The only decent thing out this week was The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which I've already seen and rewatched on Monday. I had to have a Tuesday Movie Night, and they always have to be filled with new movies. And I like to be in 'the know'. It was either this or Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. 2) When I was in Melbourne they had the premiere for it there. And I found out the day after. Seriously, I wasn't that far away from someone relatively famous like Josh Hutcherson. Instead, I think I was actually watching The Descendants. Hmpfh.

It seems a little weird that they'd make this sequel, considering I can't recall the first one ever being that successful. However, this one if pretty much just like the original: crap. Therefore making it fun material for a conversation. So hear ye go...

CHRISTOPHER: Ah, the mystery is back. I have a feeling that I should have brought my old mate Sherlock Holmes along for the ride...
JOURNEY 2: Who...is...this...Sherlock...Holmes?

C: Why are you taking a pause between every single word and pretending like you just discovered water for the first time?
J2: Because that's what everyone does for dramatic effect. It doesn't matter if the scene isn't actually that dramatic.

C: Has anyone ever told you that doing that is soooooo 1980s? 
J2: It is the year for nostalgia, isn't it?

C: That was last year.
J2: Well, it's never too late when you're Dwayne Johnson, is it?

C: If you say so. Speaking of Dwayne Johnson, he took the reins from Brendan Fraser in this one. How do you think that worked out?
J2: Pretty well. Dwayne's just the go-to guy for everything. Want him to look angry? He can do that. Want him to have a creepy smile? He can do that. Want him to wear a tutu? He. Can. Do. That. Want him to be a tooth fairy? He can indeed do that. Want him to ride some gigantic fake bees? He can do that. What can Brendan Fraser do? Wear a bit of leopard print fabric around his privates and swing from trees?

C: Never underestimate how handy it is to have that skill.
J2: Never underestimate how handy it is to be able to be a full grown, rather muscly, extremely masculine man wearing a tutu.

C: Anyway, apart from the absence of Brendan Fraser, what can we expect from you?
J2: Well, we don't go to the centre of the earth. This time we go to the...mysterious...island.

C: You really need to stop saying things so dramatically.
J2: You know it's cool. The...mysterious...island is a place of...mystery. Where...cool...things...happen. Like tiny elephants. And flying things. And various big creatures. And Michael Caine.

C: Wait...Michael Caine is in this?
J2: It would appear so. We had to get people to see me somehow. I mean, Dwayne Johnson can't wear a tutu in every movie.

C: People seem to like Josh Hutcherson after The Hunger Games. Surely that could have worked to your advantage?
J2: Maybe people only like Josh Hutcherson when he's throwing bread at people and killing them.


C: I see you have yet another sequel coming out in 2014. What could possibly be in store for that one?
J2: More...dramatic...talking. Dwayne Johnson possibly wearing a tutu. Josh Hutcherson's love interest being Jennifer Lawrence. The Hunger Games being set on the moon. Possibly an entire musical of Dwayne singing along with his ukelele. A whole range of opportunities.


C: Maybe less Luis Guizman being a stupid guy who tells stupid jokes?
J2: Maybe. We're going to shift that character along to Dwayne.


What I got:

"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."

Film: Sucker Punch
Year: 2011
Director: Zack Snyder.
Written by: Zack Snyder and Steve Shibuya.
Starring: Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Jamie Chung, Carla Gugino, Oscar Isaac, Jon Hamm, Scott Glenn.
Running time: 110 min.

If there was a lesson that I've learned this year, it would have to be all thanks to Sucker Punch. You see, at the beginning of the year, this was my most anticipated film for 2011, because the trailers I'd seen made it look really pretty. As soon as it came out, everyone was trashing it, so I decided not to go and see it in cinemas (I didn't have time either). Okay, so I wasn't exactly excited for it to come out on DVD, but I still held on to a little shred of hope that this movie might actually be as cool as I thought it would be. Now that I've watched the film, I am doubting myself and the decisions I make. I'm sorry, why the hell did I want to see this movie so much?! Lesson learned from this mess: never choose the huge blockbuster movies that are really just made for teenage boys as your most anticipated. Sucker Punch is the reason why virtually all of the movies I want to see in the remainder of the year are festival favourites that don't have budgets over $5 million.

Alex Pettyfer: The Next Big Teen Thing?

You remember how it was. Back in late 2008, a little 'indie' movie called Twilight came out and suddenly, everyone was liking this guy who played a grumpy old vampire. His name? Robert Pattinson. All the teenagers started fainting at the sound of his name, flying to odd places just to stalk him and kissing a poster of him every night before they went to bed...that shit got weird, trust me. This 'teen heart-throb' version of R-Pattz is going to be around for a while until the Twilight saga is finally dead and buried (I'm pretty sure it is now...we just have to wait a while for the last movies to roll around), but who do I think is going to take the cake after that? Alex Pettyfer. He's yet another good-looking British guy who seems to be taking the road to becoming a success for his looks, instead of becoming that serious actor I'm sure he's going to be.

Now, I'm sure that Alex is going to get better at acting in time, but considering everything he has starred in (Stormbreaker, Wild Child, Tormented, I Am Number Four and Beastly), I am fairly certain that it will only take one more film to be the next boy on the poster being kissed by an adolescent teenage girl at 10pm every night. Anyway, why have I chosen to talk about this guy? Because in the past couple of weeks I have watched I Am Number Four and Beastly, both huge Pettyfer vehicles, and both films which many of my 'peers' have been rushing up to rent out since their release.

First, let's take a look at I Am Number Four. This is exactly like Twilight with aliens. Produced by Michael Bay (yes, him) and directed by D.J. Caruso, who has done things like Disturbia and Eagle Eye, I Am Number Four is a loud, explosive, lighty action flick which has the all important teen romance in it. Alex plays a guy who has had to hide his 'gift' for years, because, you know, he's really an alien. This alien moves to a new town and starts a new school, falling for a bullied amateur photographer (Dianna Agron) and getting a bit bullied himself. So that's where we have our first problem. I don't think anyone would ever bully someone of Alex's rather large and totally unnatural stature, and Dianna is far too pretty to ever have people hurt her. Oh well, each to their own, I guess. The bones of the whole story is the fact that old Alex plays 'Number Four'. This is quite troublesome because Number One, Two and Three have all been killed, and he's next. Therefore he is obliged to run around hiding himself from death and get the girl in the end. Kid's stuff, really.

I'm sure I Am Number Four would have been great had it had a better script. The script was really cheesy. It was exactly like watching Tranformers: Revenge of the Fallen, except with teenage girls in mind. Apparently, 'we' can watch a movie filled with senseless action sequences and explosions as long it has some cheesy sweet romance in it. Is it weird that I can't like this stuff? I probably would have had it taken it's premise and done amazing things with it. Anyway, it did have a pretty awesome soundtrack and Teresa Palmer was kick-ass as usual. As for Alex...well. Let's just say, if he's applying to be the next Robert Pattinson, then he should submit this film as his audition. He's lifeless, and seems to be going off his looks just to try and get him somewhere. Which makes me think that, even though he's 21, he should probably stop playing teenagers. Because he focuses too much on the brooding aspect of his character's age instead of giving it emotion and heart. I'm sure he'll succeed with more age appropriate character, when he can just play himself.

What I got:

 Beastly is a modern retelling of 'Beauty and the Beast'. I have some huge problems with these 'modern retellings' because they're usually over-sexed and completely lose the point of the original story. The thing with Beastly is that it could really give some people around here a reality check. The movie starts with a montage of Kyle's (Alex) morning routine...which means taking his top off and doing all of these different exercises. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought this was taken straight out of Tony's big introduction in the first episode of Skins. I was pretty dubious of the way the movie would turn out after this introduction, but then Kyle was turned into an ugly monster, which is exactly what he deserved. Of course, as the story goes he has to find true love within a year so the spell can be reversed and he can go back to being a hottie. The love he tries to get is from Lindy (Vanessa Hudgens, of High School Musical fame), who just so happens to be on some most wanted list. Yeah, it's as simple as anything.

Now Beastly isn't a very good movie at all. But I enjoyed it a heck of a lot more than I Am Number Four. I guess I just actually 'got' this one, mainly because I would love to see a few people given the ugly treatment. Anyway, as far as movies go, this one is let down by several things: a slightly cheesy script, a very predictable story and wooden acting. Alex is simply terrible in this movie, showing that he really isn't suited to the romantic lead. Vanessa Hudgens has some talent, but she squanders it here, instead choosing to be the generic teen girl with a bit of romance in her heart. Neil Patrick Harris is really entertaining though, playing a blind tutor. He's really good because he actually chose to wear opaque contacts so he couldn't actually see, making him seem less phony. Anyway, while I thought the movie wasn't that great, I just really enjoyed it. I don't know why, but I just did. Probably because it was only 83 minutes long and moved really fast.

What I got: