Thursday, May 24, 2012

A Conversation with Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

I was one of the few people who actually watched Journey to the Centre of the Earth. Not by choice. When I was in my last year of primary school, our reward for doing road wardens was going down to the then-running (and then-extremely cold and incredibly gross) cinemas to watch that movie. Anyway, you're probably wondering why I'd watch a sequel, which stars my least favourite actor Dwayne Johnson. Two reasons: 1) The only decent thing out this week was The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which I've already seen and rewatched on Monday. I had to have a Tuesday Movie Night, and they always have to be filled with new movies. And I like to be in 'the know'. It was either this or Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. 2) When I was in Melbourne they had the premiere for it there. And I found out the day after. Seriously, I wasn't that far away from someone relatively famous like Josh Hutcherson. Instead, I think I was actually watching The Descendants. Hmpfh.

It seems a little weird that they'd make this sequel, considering I can't recall the first one ever being that successful. However, this one if pretty much just like the original: crap. Therefore making it fun material for a conversation. So hear ye go...

CHRISTOPHER: Ah, the mystery is back. I have a feeling that I should have brought my old mate Sherlock Holmes along for the ride...

C: Why are you taking a pause between every single word and pretending like you just discovered water for the first time?
J2: Because that's what everyone does for dramatic effect. It doesn't matter if the scene isn't actually that dramatic.

C: Has anyone ever told you that doing that is soooooo 1980s? 
J2: It is the year for nostalgia, isn't it?

C: That was last year.
J2: Well, it's never too late when you're Dwayne Johnson, is it?

C: If you say so. Speaking of Dwayne Johnson, he took the reins from Brendan Fraser in this one. How do you think that worked out?
J2: Pretty well. Dwayne's just the go-to guy for everything. Want him to look angry? He can do that. Want him to have a creepy smile? He can do that. Want him to wear a tutu? He. Can. Do. That. Want him to be a tooth fairy? He can indeed do that. Want him to ride some gigantic fake bees? He can do that. What can Brendan Fraser do? Wear a bit of leopard print fabric around his privates and swing from trees?

C: Never underestimate how handy it is to have that skill.
J2: Never underestimate how handy it is to be able to be a full grown, rather muscly, extremely masculine man wearing a tutu.

C: Anyway, apart from the absence of Brendan Fraser, what can we expect from you?
J2: Well, we don't go to the centre of the earth. This time we go to the...mysterious...island.

C: You really need to stop saying things so dramatically.
J2: You know it's cool. The...mysterious...island is a place of...mystery. Like tiny elephants. And flying things. And various big creatures. And Michael Caine.

C: Wait...Michael Caine is in this?
J2: It would appear so. We had to get people to see me somehow. I mean, Dwayne Johnson can't wear a tutu in every movie.

C: People seem to like Josh Hutcherson after The Hunger Games. Surely that could have worked to your advantage?
J2: Maybe people only like Josh Hutcherson when he's throwing bread at people and killing them.

C: I see you have yet another sequel coming out in 2014. What could possibly be in store for that one?
J2: More...dramatic...talking. Dwayne Johnson possibly wearing a tutu. Josh Hutcherson's love interest being Jennifer Lawrence. The Hunger Games being set on the moon. Possibly an entire musical of Dwayne singing along with his ukelele. A whole range of opportunities.

C: Maybe less Luis Guizman being a stupid guy who tells stupid jokes?
J2: Maybe. We're going to shift that character along to Dwayne.

What I got:


  1. I'm sure this is a bad movie but how can not like the Brahama Bull? The Great One? The Jabroni-Beating, LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA Pie-eatin, trail-blazin', the Most Electrifying Man in All of Entertainment? The People's Champ? Do you smell what the Rock is cooking?

    You must be a John Cena fan.

    1. Haha...or I'm just not a wrestling fan. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen wrestling before in my life. Unless you count The Wrestler.

    2. Ok, I'll let you slide on that. Besides, John Cena is a guy who always stupid colored shirts that makes him look like a Fruity Pebble. Only knows five moves and always waves his hand at your face saying "you can't see me".

      Well, the Rock managed to whoop his roody-poo... hey, hey, hey, don't do that. This is not sing-a-long time with the Great One. Ok..

      The Rock managed to whoop his roody-poo candy-ass all over the place back in April at the grandest stage of all... WrestleMania!

      Sorry, I'm just marking out being a big fan of the Rock.

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You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.


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