Saturday, January 28, 2012
So, When Does Anyone Actually Get Abducted in Abduction?
Director: John Singleton
Written by: Shawn Christensen
Starring: Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins, Maria Bello, Jason Isaacs, Sigourney Weaver, Alfred Molina, Michael Nyqvist.
Running time: Far too long.
Hailing from the halls of all things awful in 2011, Abduction is the fifth film of the year to get the lowest of the low 1/10 from me. It joins such terrible films like The Roommate, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, The Hangover: Part II and Sucker Punch. But the difference that Abduction has is that Taylor Lautner aside, it had a half decent cast. Maria Bello, Jason Isaacs, Sigourney Weaver, Alfred Molina, and poor old Michael Nyqvist in his first big Hollywood role offer their names to Lautner's big post-Twilight debut. Also different is the fact that those four movies have titles that make sense to the story. Here, no-one actually gets abducted. Unless we're talking about the audience. Never before I have I wanted to turn off a movie so much - but no man shall get the better of my 'start watching it, finish watching it' rule.
Being a teenage girl, I should be all over this shit. I should have run down to Blockbuster and kissed the case repetitively before taking it home. I should have taken the horribly photoshopped poster of Lautner holding a gun and looking REALLY SERIOUS and put it by my bed to kiss every night. I should have sat right in front of the TV screen and kissed it too. Just a shitload of kissing this movie is what I'm saying. Instead, if there was going to be any kissing of the DVDs I got that day I probably would have gone for Jane Eyre since it has Michael Fassbender in it - but that's unhygienic. Same with the poster, when I finally get it on my wall. And I didn't want to dirty the TV screen, but my eyes were kissing Fassy, if that's the same thing. I don't know what this says about me: am I destined for a life of finding sugar daddies because none of the people around my age are good enough for me? Or is it that I'm not as blind to talent as my peers? I could make a joke about Michael Fassbender's penis here, but we gotta keep this G-rated (if you think hard enough, you could probably figure out what it is).
I'm sure that before Lautner stuck his name to this one, Abduction may have been a well-meaning screenplay by an up-and-coming writer. However, it becomes nothing more than a vehicle for the guy. So much so that you almost forget that there is an actual story going on here, where Nathan (played by Lautner) has to run for his life because he has something that someone else wants. All the while there is some angsty drama going on about how he doesn't know who he is (which he speaks about to his therapist in the most hideous use of needless exposition that I've ever seen) and then there is also a budding romance between his long-time friend and neighbour Karen (played by future Snow White Lily Collins). The movie lays out everything so girls in it for Lautner can understand what is going on, taking away any shred of mystery it has. The story takes a backseat to all the excuses the movie makes: an excuse of Lautner to take his shirt off, an excuse for some up-and-coming actress to make every adolescent girl jealous by having a snog session with him, an excuse for a couple of teens to drive around in a flash BMW, an excuse for Lautner to slide down glass windows whilst dodging bullets. It even tries to become an excuse for saying "good looking people have problems too" with all of the fake angst it has plaguing the movie. Who knows, it might be really hard to be in Nathan's position, but Lautner and his crew don't want any of us to actually feel that way.
There's little action in Abduction, and if there is, it isn't all that exciting. It just wants to pound you with angst straight out of 16 year old's Facebook statuses. It gets so lost in what it wants to be that there's only one thing it actually succeeds at: being the funniest movie of 2011. And sometimes I don't even think that was unintentional. I think that these people were smart enough to know that a line like "there's a bomb in your oven" could never be taken seriously.
But who am I kidding? Abduction is actually a really great movie. You just see how many MTV Movie Awards it will rack up.
What I got: