Dipping My Toes in Horror: The Blair Witch Project and Sweeney Todd

Giving you a break from the literal stories of my life, it is time to dip my toes into horror some more. The two films I have got on tap tonight are a couple which I've always been meaning to see, but have never quite got around to it. They've always been there, but I've just never bothered to pick them up. You may not see Sweeney Todd as a quintessential horror film. Mind you, it isn't a quintessential musical, either. I've been telling everyone that I was going to see it for ages, but when it stared back at me on that horror shelf, I saw that there was no time like the present. Same goes for The Blair Witch Project. So let's get to it!

So, if I'm getting my stories straight, The Blair Witch Project started this whole found footage phenomenon. I'm not big on that phenomenon, especially because now everyone is trying their hand at it and it is losing its sheen. Paranormal Activity was okay, but Paranormal Activity 2 was one of the more boring films I've ever seen. It was kinda just an excuse to watch surveillance footage for ages and then we get some people getting dragged around for like, five seconds. And that's the template that most of these found footage films follow. The Blair Witch Project, however, was quite effective even though it had so little going on. I guess it just kinda taps into your fears - and that fear happens to be getting lost in the woods. Even if there wasn't some creepy witchcraft stuff going on, then I would still be terrified. Mainly because I'd be frustrated beyond all recognition. That's where The Blair Witch Project wins over Paranormal Activity - these people are trapped in this foreign land with no hope of getting out, whereas the people in Paranormal Activity are within the confines of their own home. There's just that extra air of unpredictability about the whole thing.

Dark Shadows, or: How Eva Green and Co Went Crazy (Over Nothing)

Once upon a time, I used to be in love with Eva Green. Okay, maybe I pretended to be. You see, when I was 11 (jeez, it is hard to believe that I was once that young), I had a HUGE crush on Daniel Craig. And I hadn't even seen Casino Royale until I'd been 'in love' with him for at least three months. Anyway, through this mini obsession I also decided that I would be obsessed with Eva Green.

And how could you not be? She's insanely beautiful.

Admittedly, I haven't seen that many of her films. I haven't seen The Dreamers, even though I've promised myself all these years that I would. But I have been impressed with her work in Casino Royale, Perfect Sense and even The Golden Compass, to a degree. But then there's Dark Shadows.

Her performance in Dark Shadows is like this whole other beast. In fact, the entire movie is.

So she plays Angelique Bouchard, a witch who was jousted by Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) back in the 1700s and made him into a vampire to suffer forever. The guy wakes up in the 1970s, and then he finds out that Angelique is still around, causing all sorts of witchy havoc. Witchy havoc which includes, well...I'm not actually sure. She likes to burn stuff down, yell a lot, bulge her eyes at inappropriate moments. And there's the weirdest sex scene I never knew I needed to see. Now, I have watched four seasons of True Blood, so I am no stranger to the mysterious world of vampire sex. But wow...Eva Green really went for it in this one. I would say that Johnny Depp did too, but he didn't look bothered either way. There was flying around the room. There were weird shots. There was a red snake tongue. While I had my head buried in my hands, somehow Eva Green got even more crazy.

Okay, maybe I'm being harsh on Eva Green. I remember when that awful trailer came out and everyone was posting gifs on their Tumblrs to show their appreciation for the minute or so of footage they'd seen of Angelique Bouchard. I admit, Eva looked like she was doing good. But then you see the movie, and she's just too much. It is nice to see an actress going all out, but the problem is that there's not really enough development behind her character to justify how batshit crazy she is. She's just taking the jealous ex-lover to an extreme level. A level so extreme that it can't even be justified by the fact she's a witch.

However, Eva Green isn't the only one in Dark Shadows who is over the top. There's the case of Chloe Moretz. I'm neither here nor there on the girl. She's like, a year younger than me and has managed to be in movies with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Jessica Chastain (fun fact: Jessica actually played Chloe's role in a made-for-TV version of Dark Shadows a few years back) and Mark Strong, so yeah, I'd say she's doing pretty well. Dark Shadows shows exactly why most people shy away from these child stars. Chloe plays Carolyn, the teen daughter who is, well, everything you stereotypers can list about your perception of teenagers. The problem is that Chloe is a teenager, which worries me about what she really thinks teenagers are like. I mean, I don't even know what to say about her performance - it is like she's on drugs (don't even get me started on the 'twist'...). Which I suppose they kinda all were back in the 1970s, but case in point, Dark Shadows is a big mess of good actors being given stereotypes and told to go wild. And the problem is, they do. They go absolutely insane on making everything so over-the-top that they lose sight of what actually makes for a good movie. And yet, this has to be one of the most tame films that I've seen from Tim Burton. Which is partly due to the fact that the film is not sure of what it wants to be.

It wants to be a family film. Sticks in a weird sex scene a la True Blood but double the weirdeness.

It wants to be a comedy. Makes it into a big family melodrama.

It wants to be a drama. Still tries to make jokes. That are usually not all that funny.

It wants to be a horror. The 'evil' person is way too insane to be scary.

It wants to be a Tim Burton movie. So it has Helena Bonham Carter in it for like, five minutes so it can be justified as that.

At the end of the day, it had a nice soundtrack. And Michelle Pfeiffer. Who is the only one who seems to keep herself on the ground.

What did you think of Dark Shadows? Did you love or loathe Eva Green? Was Chloe Moretz the perfect teenager?

A Conversation with Rango

As you can see, this is my second post of the night...I have a huge backlog of reviews to catch up on, and while it's the holidays, I'll probably be doing two posts a day until I've caught up. I'm sure you're all looking forward to double Stevee every day! (That was a joke, by the way).

Anyway, it's time for a fan-favourite...old Christopher is interviewing the very awesome Rango this week, so it looks like he's back in the middle of nowhere. (NEWBIES: This series probably peaked with the 'Conversation with Whomever Voted at the MTV Movie Awards'. But that isn't the best example of what I'm trying to do here, as when a movie is 'interviewed', I transform myself into the movie and I'm interviewed by a fake interviewer Christopher. Again, this Christopher fella isn't based on anyone living or dead...I just want a ginger cat called Christopher - yes, named after Christ Nolan)

CHRISTOPHER: Well, this is new. I've never interviewed an animated feature.
RANGO: I guess those PIXAR movies are just too high-shelf for ya, huh?

C: Well, I have interviewed such films as There Will Be Blood and L.A. Confidential...
R: And The Room.

C: Yes, and The Room. But I'd say other than that I only interview the best.
R: Get your dirty, webbed phalanges off of my boots!

C: I'm sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going...anyway. Tell me a bit about yourself.
R: The name's Rango. *in the distance there's a dramatic gasp for extra effect*

C: Oh really? I wasn't aware of that.
R: Don't you sass me, sir.

C: What I meant was, tell me some plot points...
R: You're funny looking.

C: Well? You're funny looking too.
R: That's a funny looking shirt.

C: That's a funny looking animation style.
R: You got funny looking eyes.

C: You got a funny looking face!
R: You're a stranger. Stranger's don't last long here. *turns to walk away*

C: Oi! Would you just stay here?! I wanna finish this interview!
R: I'm going to slice your face off and use it to wipe my unmentionables!

C: Would you just remember for once that you're a kids movie?!
R: I know I am a kids movie. I'm a fun kids movie. I'm the kids movie that every kids movie wants to be. Because, you know, most of them don't have Johnny Depp, do they?

C: No, they don't. Let's try rephrasing this question: what's so special about you that would make Johnny Depp lend his voice?
R: He was begging for forgiveness after The Tourist, obviously.

C: That's true. He succeeded there.
R: Okay okay. I have an awesome story and I am an awesome throwback to some great movies, with all of my pop culture references. Anyway, I follow the story of an ordinary chameleon, Rango, who is thrown out of his car and left on the side of the road, in the middle of nowhere. What can this poor little chameleon do? He walks a while and manages to find a little village called Dirt, a lawless outpost in the Wild West. It's actually great that he turned up, because now he is the new sheriff of this town. Even though he ain't ever had any experience as a sheriff in his life.

C: Sounds interesting. So being set in the Wild West, does this mean you're a bit of a western?
R: Yeah, I have a few western in-jokes. I have a really good western feel, which is inevitable considering I'm stuck in the Wild West. Let's just say, there's plenty of horse riding and other stuff of the sort. Oh yeah, and I should mention that the 'Spirit of the West' looks a lot like Clint Eastwood. I guess he's begging for forgiveness after Hereafter, too.

C: Considering you're an animated film, I can't really talk to you about your acting. But I did notice that everything sounded very authentic.

R: You know, when the actors were doing all the voice work, they were actually given space to act everything out. I thought that gave me a more authentic sound. Plus, the actors are all good at what they do. Johnny Depp, Isla Fisher, Abigail Breslin, Bill Nighy, Alfred Molina, Ray Winstone...all good citizens, aren't they?

C: Yes, you have a very impressive vocal cast. In fact, you're a pretty impressive movie, probably one of the best of 2011 so far.
R: Yeah well, Gore Verbinski did the right thing, didn't he? He left the latest Pirates of the Caribbean to someone else to make me. Ain't no shame in that.

C: I certainly hope that Verbinski tries some more animation in the future...his style here and choice not to go with 3D was brilliant. Anyway, got any last words for our readers?
R: Stay in school, eat your veggies and burn all the books that ain't Shakespeare.

And my rating for Rango:

Great Names, Awful Movies: The Tourist and The Dilemma

I used to think that movies would be amazing because they had so many great names floating around them. I miss those days. Now it just seems like...well, there aren't any major components that could make you think a film is amazing even before seeing it.

Ah...so, I watched The Tourist and The Dilemma just recently and even though these films should be highly regarded due to their star power, the rest of the material doesn't possibly match up. In fact, the material is more disastrous than the average no-star straight-to-DVD flick.

The Tourist

The 'knowable' stars: Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, Paul Bettany.
The director: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, who directed the Oscar winning The Lives of Others.

What people would think of the cast: Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are probably the two most recognizable names in the world. Johnny's been sexy est. 1980-something and Angelina Jolie is the one with all the kids, yes? And, well, a lot of people stuck in the 90s think they're a pretty good looking duo. It probably helps that various set photos popped up in all the woman's magazines every week.
What it looks like: From the poster, one would think that The Tourist would be a suave, beautiful and elegant piece of expensive drama. Though, you could say, from a quick read of the synopsis, that this is a highly intelligent romance thriller harking back to the 60's.
What it actually is (in one sentence): A muddled thriller of sorts, with an awful twist...if this was supposed to be a comedy, it would succeed in the way it's unintentionally hilarious.
What's wrong with it: Mainly the chemistry between the stars. You'd think that the two would be professional enough to get a little bit of love between them, but they are like cousins from opposite ends of the family in this one. Speaking of those actors...their performances are absolutely terrible. Johnny Depp was as exciting as James Franco was at the Oscars. Angelina Jolie was half asleep and kept trying to do this sexy smoulder that looked like an evil squint. She just swanned around in gorgeous clothes like she owned the place...which unfortunately, she didn't own anything.

The script is a real clunker, too. A five year old could have written it better. Instead of being edge-of-your-seat stuff, it was more edge-of-your-sanity...the script was just atrocious to hear. The plot twist at the end was juvenile...absolutely juvenile. It was like something I thought of when I was 7 and playing an intense game of Saddle Club in the playground.
Did something go right? Yes. The cinematography was absolutely stunning and the music was very old fashioned, which was nice. It gave it a more stylish theme.
On a scale of 1-10, how ashamed should all involved be of this film? 8. But people still love Johnny Depp as long as he's being sexy and Angelina Jolie as long as she's with Brad Pitt.
Final words: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck...how could you?

What I got:

The Dilemma

The 'knowable' stars: Vince Vaughn, Kevin James, Jennifer Connelly, Winona Ryder, Channing Tatum, Queen Latifah.
The director: Ron Howard, the Oscar winning director of A Beautiful Mind.

What people would think of the cast: It's a cast of levels. Vince Vaughn has a lot of fans, apparently. He's always starred in funny movies and even though he looks very serious, he's been like the more mature version of Adam Sandler. Kevin James has a big following, too, because he's down with the LOL fans. There's your funny leads. For the lady power, there is Jennifer Connelly and Winona Ryder. Connelly will always be the chick from Labyrinth and Ryder will always be the chick from Edward Scissorhands, but they've both grown up to be respectable actresses. On the next level are the funny little people who are given small roles. Channing Tatum is busy creating a strange resume for himself and a comedy surely wouldn't hurt his fans. Queen Latifah...well, if you put Queen Latifah in a movie, there is some chance of it being funny.
What it looks like: It looks like a nice comedy of errors which probably has a lot of memorable quotes. And plus, it has a familiar situation which is sure to get a few laughs.
What it actually is (in one sentence): An inconsistent mess that can't decide whether it wants to be a comedy or a drama...and it's really hard to get in to.
What's wrong with it: It's a premise which tires quickly, and it has a lot of feeble attempts at keeping the viewer in the film. You'd think it would be pretty funny, but it's hard to know when it's okay to laugh in this movie. There's a joke that seems funny at first, but then it has such a negative context to it you can't actually find the strength to laugh at it. It just doesn't feel right to call this a comedy at all.

There's a strange subplot about Ronny (Vaughn) having a gambling addiction. It just doesn't work with the rest of the film, because it seems too serious and when they do mention it, it's thrown around like a ball in the park. That only further shows that the movie is messy and it really doesn't have much control. Which is why it is so hard for anyone to get involved.
Did something go right? Enough. The cast are still likeable. Channing Tatum was particularly entertaining. And it wasn't exactly painful to watch.
On a scale of 1-10, how ashamed should people involved be of this film? 6. I doubt that this would even be popular, as it seemed to pass by somewhat unnoticed and everyone has forgotten about it now. I'm sure everyone will keep their cool and move on.
Final words: Ron Howard, it's nice to see your back doing comedy, but can you at least get the script proof-read first?

What I got:

AAN: Good choices win over silly nominations (Golden Globes gabble)

After the Golden Globes, will there be any surprises left for the rest of the awards season? Will Inception continue to be snubbed in all the big categories? Will The Social Network end up taking over the world? Well, at least the Hollywood Foreign Press Association managed to pick the right winners over it's shoddy nominations.

It looks like the main awards have been sorted out, even if the HFPA don't usually have the best ideas. Christian Bale got the first award for his performance in The Fighter, and it feels like a certainty that Monsieur Bale will get the award. The only surprises to come out of that category will be who gets nominated at the Oscars. I hope Andrew Garfield gets in, even though he failed to get a Screen Actors Guild nomination. Natalie Portman got Best Actress Drama...they may as well just give her the Oscar now and get it over with. Colin Firth, by no surprise, got Best Actor Drama for The King's Speech. As for the winners in the comedy/musical section, do they stand to upset Portman and Firth? Annette Bening has a good chance. But who saw Paul Giamatti winning for Barney's Version? One would have thought that Johnny Depp would have won against Johnny Depp. Then again, Paul Giamatti seems like a good choice, but I doubt he'll even make it to the Oscars.

Melissa Leo...scared of her own Golden Globe.

The category that could have offered the biggest surprise was the Best Supporting Actress one. Helena Bohnam Carter, Mila Kunis, Jacki Weaver and Amy Adams all stood fantastic chances of winning. But who did? Melissa Leo. I wasn't convinced by her Critics Choice win, but maybe my opinions have changed. I still think Amy Adams could sneak the upset, or will she become the next Kate Winslet? Even though Jacki Weaver didn't get the SAG nomination, I'm still rooting for her to get something. And howsabout that bitchy eyeroll Helena Bohnam Carter did during Leo's acceptance speech. We get it. We know your jealous. But maybe if you matched those shoes, more people would have voted for you?

With all the shitcakes on display, you would have thought at least one of them won something, right? I mean, one would have thought the Depp would have won for Alice in Wonderland or Burlesque may have gone in for a major upset (far-fetched...but perfectly possible). Well, Burlesque won one award for Best Original Song, not that that really counts. It's just sad that they kept pushing The Tourist and Alice in Wonderland into the spotlight thanks to their multiple 'nominations'. I mean, on the radio, they kept talking about how The Tourist and Burlesque were the big nominees, with no mention of Inception or even The Social Network. Just shows how obsessed with starpower the HFPA really are. Luckily, the voters pushed The Tourist out, and I bloody hope that they never make a mistake like that again. Anyway, I thought The Tourist was more of a drama?

David Fincher turns up to see his film win big...it is his film, right?

Someone arose an issue with a very interesting tweet (I know I shouldn't listen to these, but #thesocialnetwork was trending so I had to check it out): "Now it seems like more people are bashing The Social Network and praising Inception." Just before awards season started, and particularly around the time everyone was doing their top films of 2010 lists, there was so much hate for Inception going around. Now The Social Network is winning all these awards, there is a lot of hate circling that film and all this "where the hell is Inception?" chatter going around. You may think I'm saying this because I'm obsessed with him, but Christopher Nolan deserves the accolades for Best Director a lot more than David Fincher does. You look at the scale of Inception. It ain't your average blockbuster. It's a grand epic, and Nolan directed, wrote and produced it by himself. This is something which isn't taking into consideration a lot. Fincher directed The Social Network with style, but didn't add anything great (apart from maybe the regatta sequence), like Nolan did. Oh well, TSN will end up taking all the prizes, and Inception is left to get all the technicals, and hopefully a Best Original Screenplay award for God. To conclude this topic: Why the hell did Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross beat Hans Zimmer? I love The Social Network's score, but Inception's has all these great songs, and ends with 'Time', quite possibly the best song I've ever heard.

Here are my thoughts on the winners (excluding TV...not my area):
-I let out a shriek when The Social Network won Best Picture-Drama. I thought it was so cute when Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield stayed sitting down when everyone else got the award, but then producer Scott Rudin told them to get up. Jesse got up, and then literally hauled Andrew out of his seat. At which point the producer commented joyously "The extraordinary right brain left brain of Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield!" Bromance of the century, I tell you. But it puzzles me as to why David Fincher didn't go up. He just feels so detached from this picture.
-Watching the nominees for Best Picture-Comedy/Musical was painful. I think I actually tweeted before the winner was even announced that The Kids Are All Right won.
-Gah. I love Colin Firth, but I thought he could just not win this award so Jesse Eisenberg or James Franco could win. Just to show everyone that Jesse isn't the new Michael Cera and that James isn't really a stoner (or worthy of the D he got given in an acting class because he was filming 127 Hours). But Colin deserves it, most definitely.

-Natalie Portman. Your Oscar is awaiting you...
-Just before they announced the winner for Best Actor-Comedy/Musical, I sent my friend a txt, saying "Can Johnny Depp beat Johnny Depp? No." That was a joke, honestly, I thought he'd win for Alice in Wonderland. Little did I know I was right, and my prediction was wrong. Bravo, Paul Giamatti!
-Obviously Annette Bening was going to win for Best Actress-Comedy/Musical, but the ghost-looking Emma Stone should have. Mind you, this is the first of many nominations for her!

I'm pretty sure he could fit his little awards collection in his hair.

-I give up on Best Supporting Actor. Andrew Garfield is never going to win, Christian Bale is going to continue trying to look like Jesus...the future's looking dim.
-Look above for thoughts on Best Supporting Actress. I thought Jacki Weaver had this one. Time for her to threaten the awards voters with "You've done some bad things sweetie."
-At least David Fincher was there to get his award. You're a great director, but when I see Christopher Nolan and the geniusness that radiates off him, he's always the winner in my heart.
-Aaron Sorkin and his bloody good dialogue skills. Even I admit that he deserved the award over Christopher Nolan and Inception.
-Burlesque and 'You Haven't Seen the Last of Me' gets the award for Best Original Song. Which isn't great if you consider the former but fantastic if you consider the latter.
-Why is there all this sudden love for Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross? Let me say this: their score is great, but there are few standout songs. Hans Zimmer's Inception score, however, is epic...and as I write this, I'm listening to Time, which gives me the chills and makes everything more epic. I'm so glad they played that song when they were announced Inception as a nominee for this category. Hans Zimmer deserved it. Hopefully he'll get the Oscar, because Ross and Reznor's score wasn't as amazing as this one.
-Toy Story 3 for Best Animated Picture. Well, no shit. That film is bloody fantastic.

Susanne Bier (director of In a Better World): happy for all of us that I Am Love didn't win.

-I was so glad that I Am Love didn't win Best Foreign Language. However, this morning I said that In a Better World didn't stand much of a chance. So then it comes out and wins. I have got to see this one.

Other thoughts on the show:
-Michael Douglas getting a standing ovation was amazing. But his line was even better: "There's just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation."
-Did they have to play 'Hand Covers Bruise' everytime The Social Network got a mention? Seriously, that was one of the worst tracks. 'In Motion' or 'A Familiar Taste' would have been better.
-Ricky Gervais is funny, but I found him to be a bit arrogant and annoying. Tone it down next time, Mister.

Just beam that cute smile and everyone will forget your mistake...

-When Andrew Garfield got hung up on the word 'inspiringly' while presenting The Social Network, I fell in love with him even more. He's human, and he pulled that off without even visually breaking a sweat. Oh, how I love that beautiful man.
-Justin Bieber should not have presented an award for a brilliant film like Toy Story 3. Seriously, he's not even an actor. GET OUT!

WARNING: Do not mess with this man.

-I think Ricky Gervais learnt the hard way that you do not mess with Robert Downey Jr. Gervais tried to jab Downey with several 'jokes' about his porn-ish movie titles and then his former residence at a rehab centre. At which point Downey comes out and starts off by saying "I don't think an actress has done her best work...until she's slept with me." He goes through all of the nominees of the Best Actress-Comedy/Musical category, concluding by saying "I'd give it to all five of you...at once." Totally stole the show.
-Matt Damon hadn't heard of Robert De Niro until five years ago. You are kidding.
-Robert De Niro made a joke about the badness of Little Fockers. I expected him to understand.
-A bad actress presenting a bad film...Megan Fox and The Tourist.

-I wish I was Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He got to introduce Inception, quote Bette Davis and praise Christopher Nolan. Lucky guy.
-I wonder if Mark Zuckerberg is taking notice of all The Social Network buzz?

What did you think of the Golden Globes? Comments please...I'm still begging!