Lame Trailer Clichés: 8 Things You'll Always See In Rom-Com Trailers

Ah, romantic comedies. When did we last see a good one? Well, if you did, chances are they weren't made for Hollywood's sake or they were made years ago. I think the question that we really need to be asking is when was the last time you saw a trailer for a romantic comedy and thought "YES. I'm going to see that because it looks so original." Yeah...didn't think so. That's because romantic comedy trailers employ the same techniques. Here are the main five:

1. "Meet this person in this glorious freeze frame."

The ironic thing about this freeze frame introducing us to Stephanie Plum, Katherine Heigl's latest 'heroine' from One for the Money, is that her facial expression is pretty much how I looked through the entire movie. Foreshadowing, perhaps? Oh One for the Money, you really are too good.

Top 10 lessons I learned in 2010 movies.

Last year we may have seen some crap movies being released, but at least we can feel happy in saying that we have learnt 10 valuable lessons which we can apply to everyday life. Okay...maybe that is going a bit far, but once you read this, you’ll be jumping for joy that you now know these things. And my teachers say I don’t learn anything from movies...

10. ‘Women in the Middle East really wear ridiculously expensive clothes under their burqas.’

Movie: Sex and the City 2
If there is a way to get a message about female liberation into a mainstream Hollywood movie, then, by all means, make a group of Middle Eastern women wear designer clothing under their burqas and shove it in an overlong sequel to the Godmother of chick flicks. Because that is not only the most ridiculous thing ever, but it is also the funniest thing about that horrendous movie. While you’re at it, throw in whole lot of other digs on the Middle Eastern race and make a whole lot of jokes around that bad representation. Well done, you are almost as funny as a dog eating a pair of $650 Prada boots.

9. ‘Saying goodbye to toys is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.'

Movie: Toy Story 3
Luckily, I’ve never had to experience this as I just locked my toys away in my closet (where they are undoubtedly trapped up 10 tonnes of dust...ew). But watching that glorious PIXAR creation made me come to the conclusion that there is one thing I never want to do: say goodbye to my toys. So many great memories! And if I couldn’t handle watching the great parting in a movie (I think I used a whole box of tissues at the end), then I certainly can’t handle it in real life.

8. ‘Need to plant an idea during a ten hour flight? Just buy the whole airline...it’s neater.’

Movie: Inception
If you are planning to plant an idea in someone’s head, while going through many layers of dreams to get there, you are going to need a long plane ride so the mark has no idea. While you’re practical point man may suggest just buying out the whole cabin in a 747 plane, plus the first class flight attendant (who also happens to be Christopher Nolan’s cousin), there is no need to be so plain. Just make sure you have a rich Japanese businessman on the team so he can buy the airline, because ‘it seemed neater’. Thank him by getting him shot by the mark’s subconscious, having a woman-whose-actually-a-man hit on him and then sending him to limbo, where he gets remarkably wrinkly. Once he wakes up, stare at him for ages, and then he will get you back to your family. What can we say? You get your time’s worth with this guy.

7. ‘Vampires are made out of cement.’

Movie: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
In the first movie, we discover that vampires can go out in the sunlight and not burst in flames. In the second movie, we discover that werewolves don’t like to wear shirts. In this movie, we discover that when you kill a vampire (by going on one of those head-to-head rampages Lord of the Rings styles), they break like cement. Hmmmmm, I always knew they were dead creatures, but do they really turn into cement? Reason #5689 to believe True Blood more than this shonky Twilight series.

6. ‘Don’t just be a slut. Be a super slut!’

Movie: Easy A
Or, rather, this lesson should be ‘lie to advance your financial standing’. Olive lies to lose her virginity, which helps get her attention. Then she helps her friend lie about his sexuality to get him more attention. Then she helps a whole lot of other guys lie about how they got the girl so she can get a label maker. All while doing this, she dresses in some ‘whore couture’ and symbolizes herself with a red ‘A’ for ‘adulterer’. She could have just stopped at the first lie, but she went all the way. All without losing her V-card. Go Olive!

5. ‘Always keep a long jersey in the safe.’

Movie: 4.3.2.1.
For those of you haven’t seen the film (i.e. most of you), I’ll give you a rundown on why this is such a great idea. Cassandra, who is played by the tall and beautiful up-comer Tamsin Egerton, goes to New York to not only try and get into a prestigious music school, but to meet her internet boyfriend. He doesn’t meet her as originally planned, and she goes for a bit of retail therapy to spend her sorrows away. However, her ‘internet boyfriend’ turns up at her hotel room, and they have a rather physical first date. When she wakes up in the morning, she finds that all of her clothes are gone, and she’s reduced to her smalls. But, never fear! Luckily, in the safe, she finds a pink jersey which is long enough to not be revealing. In this jersey she goes on a one woman crusade to find her clothes (when she finds out that her internet boyfriend isn’t the one she slept with...he’s really a nerd), then to seek revenge on the nerd and the thief, and then to audition for her music school (way later than her planned audition). She did this all in her trusty pink jersey. And that’s why you should always keep a jersey in the safe.

4. ‘If you want to disguise your voice as you are a superhero, PUT emphasis ON all the WRONG words.’

Movie: Kick-Ass
Whether this be just Nicolas Cage’s useless acting, or his attempt at an ‘Adam West’ impersonation, all I can say is that doesn’t make him sound tough or super at all. No, it makes him sound like an idiot. But, then again, it’s more understandable than Christian Bale’s emphysema-like voice as Batman. Either way, it’s damn annoying, and it’s further proof that Monsieur Cage needs to go back to drama school to learn how to successfully apply inflection and emphasis to his voice.

3. ‘Don’t trust the old lady who comes into the diner.’

Movie: Legion
In the most unintentionally funniest movie moment of the year, Legion gives us a lesson that we wouldn’t think of ourselves: an old lady could attack you at any given moment. Warning signs: she orders a bloody steak, she makes polite conversation, she tells you ‘all the little babies are gonna burn’. Just don’t try and be a hero, because she will bite you, then attempt to be Spiderman, before some guy shoots her. Yeah, she was supposed to be an angel. As the whole movie was supposed to be about angels, but turned out being a movie with religious undertones, B-grade horror and some more of that apocalyptic shit the Hollywood gods think we love watching.

2. ‘You can’t feed chicken to a chicken.’

Movie: The Social Network
Forced cannibalism. One of the many themes which are part of the amazingness that is The Social Network. I mean, who would have thought ‘the Facebook movie’ would have so many great messages? I never knew you couldn’t feed chicken to a chicken. Poor Eduardo, he seemed so down when this story got out. But in his defence, he had thought about it: “Don't fish eat other fish? The marlins and the trouts!” This was the best of the many lessons I learned throughout this film, which include: Girls will actually like Mark, even if he is a nerd, but they won’t because he is an asshole; We lived in cities, then farms, and now on the internet; and that dating Mark Zuckerberg is like dating a Stairmaster. So much for this movie being as interesting as a photo album called ‘Random’!

1. ‘Pacman was originally called Puck-man.’

Movie: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
In Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, we learnt that bread makes you fat, chicken is not vegan and the ‘L’ word is in fact lesbian, but none of those lessons were as valuable as Pacman’s true origins. “Did you know that the original name for Pac-Man was Puck-Man? You'd think it was because he looks like a hockey puck but it actually comes from the Japanese phrase 'Paku-Paku,' which means to flap one's mouth open and closed. They changed it because they thought Puck-Man would be too easy to vandalize, you know, like people could just scratch off the P and turn it into an F or whatever.”...Scott Pilgrim’s favourite pick up line, which is so interesting that he got to date Ramona Flowers (I’m joking, it failed...lesson #55 of this movie: never use that as a pick up line). As Kim would say: “Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it.”

Top 10 critical disappointments of 2010.

2010 has been a year where I went on Rotten Tomatoes, and often found these movies with strangely low ratings which surprised me a little. Well, some, I knew were gonna be bad, but not quite as bad as it's Tomatometer rating said it was...

Please note: This isn't the 'worst films of the year' list. I've barely seen enough 2010 movies to make that list. And also, I haven't seen many of these films, so I'm not judging them on my opinion only, but mainly the critics who savaged them.

10. Love and Other Drugs

44%--It's a pleasure to see Hollywood produce a romance this refreshingly adult, but Love and Other Drugs struggles to find a balance between its disparate plot elements.

I wanna see Love and Other Drugs for a few reasons: Jake Gyllenhaal, Anne Hathaway and Edward Zwick directing a rom-com. Also, this looks pretty different than all the other romantic shit coming out. I mean, this could have easily been awards material, but the critics may suggest otherwise. I guess this won't be so out of the ordinary after all.

9. Due Date

40%--Shamelessly derivative and only sporadically funny, Due Date doesn't live up to the possibilities suggested by its talented director and marvelously mismatched stars.

Okay, so it would have been hard for Todd Phillips to possibly live up to his The Hangover success so soon after it's release. But he could easily have done that with great leads like Robert Downey Jr. and Zach Galifianikis. No such luck though, as some critics have been unashamedly harsh on this film, which leads me to wonder how The Hangover 2 will be.

8. For Colored Girls

32%--Tyler Perry has assembled a fine cast for this adaptation of the 1975 play, and his heart is obviously in the right place, but his fondness for melodrama cheapens a meaningful story.

Remind me never to judge a movie by it's cast or posters again. The cast looks pretty great, and the posters really caught my eye, too. However, by reading some scathing reviews on this one, it looks like Tyler Perry is still incapable of making a good film. And to be perfectly honest, this film just looks like another Precious wannabe.

7. Hereafter

48%--Despite a thought-provoking premise and Clint Eastwood's typical flair as director, Hereafter fails to generate much compelling drama, straddling the line between poignant sentimentality and hokey tedium.

Clint Eastwood is a great director, and Matt Damon is a great actor. The story sounds pretty interesting, too. And hey, it's still out to get Oscars (there are quite a few FYC campaigns for this film on the loose at the moment). It just shows that even the masters can't always make great movies, and Hereafter will probably disappoint. Guess I'll just have to wait and see for myself in February.
(Side note: Is anyone else insanely jealous of Bryce Dallas Howard's hair in that picture? Geez, I want it!)

6. Jonah Hex

13%--Josh Brolin gives it his best shot, but he can't keep the short, unfocused Jonah Hex from collapsing on the screen.

Yeah yeah, it's based on a video game and what not, but I thought Jonah Hex would take. Coz, you know, it has Josh Brolin in it, and he usually picks the right films (apart from that horrid movie W.). It's a western, too, and how often do we see them around? Not often, but when they do come, they are usually pretty good. Oh well, I guess it's just a case of Megan Fox coming to ruin everything.

5. My Soul to Take

9%--Dull, joyless, and formulaic, My Soul to Take suggests writer/director Wes Craven ended his five-year filmmaking hiatus too soon.

I'm not sure that many people saw My Soul to Take, the first film for Wes Craven since the reasonably good Red Eye, and I doubt that we will be getting it here any time soon. It just goes to show that no matter who the director is, a horror movie that is made into 3D for 'extra thrills' will always be a load of crap. And here was me thinking that Wes Craven was better than that.

4. The Bounty Hunter

8%--Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston remain as attractive as ever, but The Bounty Hunter's formula script doesn't know what to do with them -- or the audience's attention.

It seems to me that some of the most highly publicized movies (i.e. set pictures arriving in every womans magazine possible) happen to be the most disappointing. That was certainly the case with The Bounty Hunter, which was given so much publicity thanks to the relationship between Aniston and Butler: the two guiltiest parties of bad comedies. I knew it was going to be bad, but I didn't know it was going to be bad enough to garner 8%. After seeing the movie, I can now understand why it deserved that rating.

3. You Again

18%--No consensus.

I don't know what I'm shocked most about: This film passing as a G rated here (I mean, WTF?! Not even a Disney fantasy movie could pass with that rating!), or, that this film only got 18%. Was I the only one that thought the trailer delivered promise? It has Sigourney Weaver and Jamie Lee Curtis in it for Christ's sake! Is there no one who can make a good mainstream comedy these days?

2. Sex and the City 2

16%--Straining under a thin plot stretched to its limit by a bloated running time, Sex and the City 2 adds an unfortunate coda to the long-running HBO series.

I may have been one of the few people who thought the first one was actually pretty good, and one of the few people who thought Sex and the City 2 would get around 50%. Upon seeing the critics savaging and dismissing this film, I was more than surprised. I know that chick flicks aren't usually good, but they usually ain't that bad either. When I saw SATC2, I was less than impressed. It just ruins everything that came before it. Let's hope they don't make another mistake like SATC3. The poor ladies are getting old and too tired to act.

1. The Tourist

20%--The scenery and the stars are undeniably beautiful, but they can't make up for The Tourist's slow, muddled plot, or the lack of chemistry between Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie.

Here is another movie which was heavily publicized, and failed to give. I always knew there was something iffy about it's trailer, but I never expected such a critical uproar over it. If anything, the names Depp and Jolie will sell, but it looks like it was a waste of their talents and the opportunity to have them together in a film. Is it just me, or is Johnny Depp's career rapidly going downhill? Well, it looks like The Tourist might just back that idea up.

DVD--Sex and the City 2

or: Grumpy old women in flashy clothes.

One word to sum it up: Bloated.

Once or twice I may have said--and this was very early in the year--that I was looking forward to watching Sex and the City 2, mainly because I liked the first one. However, upon seeing critics coming out in droves and absolutely trashing it, I really wasn't that interested in seeing it. I mean, seriously? A movie with four whiny middle-aged women wearing designer clothes and totting around in high heels living in fantasy land while the rest of us live in reality? The first one did well considering it was 'The Godfather of chick flicks'. Look at it this way: Sarah Jessica Parker is aging, and we no longer care for her and her friends exploits. They really over-cooked the big screen transition, and with news of a third one being in development, I think they are going to burn this series out.

What happens after you say 'I do'? Life is everything Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Samantha (Kim Cattrall), Charlotte (Kristin Davis) and Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) ever wished it would be, but it wouldn't be right if life didn't hold a few more surprises. This time in the form of a glamourous adventure that whisks the women away from New York to one of the most luxurious and exotic places on earth, where the party never ends and there's something mysterious around every corner. It's an escape that comes exactly at the right moment for the four friends, who are finding themselves in the traditional roles of marriage, motherhood and more. After all, sometimes you just have to get away with the girls.

Sex and the City 2 isn't as exciting as that 'synopsis' made it out to be. The main plotline of the whole thing is Carrie taking a break from Big and the 'boring old married couple' life she thinks she is a part of. As you can imagine, stretching this rather thin plotline out over 140 minutes (about the length of Inception...imagine that) is like trying to tie an average size rubber band around a truck. The first few minutes shine, but unfortunately this easily becomes chick flick heaven and an average borefest. Here's some of the most exciting things that happen in the film: Liza Minnelli sings a few songs (!); Charlotte breaks down and thinks the nanny (played by Alice Eve who has a pretty spot on Irish accent) is going to have an affair with her husband; Carrie goes back to the old apartment (!); Penelope Cruz!; We go to Abu Dhabi in luxury; and well, the credits. Seriously, guys, what went wrong with this movie? You do know that not everyone isn't as into watching the lives of the well off in New York, especially when they have grown as annoying as these four ladies have? Scratch that, I still like Charlotte.

The moral of the story is: if you want a good girls night in, then get Sex and the City 2. If you think you can handle 140 minutes of nothing but the same women dealing with strange problems that you may not have cared about in the first place, then get Sex and the City 2. If you liked the first movie and the TV series, then you may still want to watch this movie. However, the best parts are still the clothes, which are thrown at the four women like they are clothes horses. I do have one strict message: ladies, don't drag your boyfriend/fiancee/husband into watching this. I can guarantee they will not be happy with you. This movie was only ever intended for women, and, unfortunately, I couldn't stomach this 140 minute piece of girl-power. Even if it was a bit better than I thought it would be. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease, don't make a third Sex and the City. For the sake of womanhood.


THE VERDICT: While it isn't as bad as some critics made it seem, Sex and the City 2 is still a very overcooked sequel, which seems to lose itself in it's bloated running time. Sarah Jessica Parker has truly lost her mojo.

4/10

Thoughts I had while working in Blockbuster for a week...

Seriously, working a video store all week, it really gets your game up. Like, I had to clean every shelf in that shop, and I kept finding all these movies I had no idea existed. Same with the trailer loop disc...there were all these trailers for these movies which I once had no interest in seeing, but then the trailers made them look kinda interesting. So here are some things I noticed and things that happened in my week of labouring to pay my Dad back for all the money I spent on my holiday...

Aaron Johnson is frickin gorgeous.


There were two trailers of him on the loop disc: Nowhere Boy and Kick-Ass. I knew exactly when they were coming on, too (Nowhere Boy after New York, I Love You and Kick-Ass after Iron Man 2), so I would stop what I was doing and just watch them. Like one of those chicks who like to gawk at Robert Pattinson every time they see something mildly like him within a ten metre radius of them. Okay, so maybe I wasn't kissing the TV screen or anything...but Aaron Johnson is simply...perfection. Oh, and he has a really good Top 5 Favourite Movies too...check it out! He loves Tarantino and Fincher! I think I just fell in love with him...again.

Rob Schneider just...pops up...out of nowhere.


Particularly in teen movies, looking like a real perve. Just look at the posters for American Virgin and Wild Cherry. And while we are on the subject of American Virgin...well, I haven't seen it, but, by judging by it's DVD cover, there are three reasons why I don't want to see it:
1. Jenna Dewan, on that cover, looks strangely like Katie Price.
2. I'm pretty sure I have seen it all before in another movie.
3. Why is it called American Virgin? I mean, I get that the chick is a virgin, and she's American, but is that supposed to mean that she is the only American virgin? I just don't get it.

People still wanna watch Robin Hood.


It has been out for like, two weeks? And people still go up and grab it as soon as they walk into the shop. God knows why. I mean, surely that cover with Russell Crowe's face isn't that appealing, is it?

Sex and the City 2 looks like it has more CGI than Avatar.


Like, in some scenes, Sarah Jessica Parker's face looks like it is going to fall off, and she looks a little too old to be wearing whatever it is she wears in that movie. Kim Catrall, however, looks like a person who has been attacked by photoshop and is stuck like that. And seriously, did we need a movie about whiny middle aged woman in Abu Dhabi? No. But despite all this, I am looking forward to watching this movie upon it's DVD release next month. Coz, you know, I can RIP IT TO SHREDS!

The horror section is always a mess...


...but I make the time to dig up Let the Right One In and display it in the most prominent way. That movie has rented out a lot since we I got it. That movie wouldn't have been in the shop if it weren't for me. I ordered it for myself, got sick of waiting and found it elsewhere, and then it just turned up in the store so they had to put it out for rent. It gives me such pleasure when I see it isn't there.

Sequels happen.


I, until last month, was totally unaware of three sequels which happened. The first one was Stomp the Yard: Homecoming (do we have to talk about how ridiculously stupid the cover looks?), a movie which they had ordered 14 copies of. And guess what?! The most I ever saw rented of it was one copy. One copy per day...loads of profit. The second was St. Trinians II: The Legend of Fritton's Gold. It features Rupert Everett making jokes about Lady Gaga, Colin Firth being 'sexy' with a soaked shirt, the guy off Doctor Who, Gemma Arterton with a longer version of the hairstyle she wore in the first film, Talulah Riley who was Eames in Inception, girls screaming, a big dance off somewhere in Britain, slutty outfits, and the annoying dumb chicks who have this 'oh my God' thing. Sounds like good fun. Not. And last, was Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam. Looks like pure Disney crap and exactly like High School Musical 2...but in a camp! Unfortunately, I had the song off the trailer stuck in my head all day, which I'm pretty sure contributed to my agonizing migraine.

Nicholas Hoult is really cute.


Once, when I had come into work before the shop opened, the TV was turned on and the first thing that came up was Nicholas Hoult in the trailer for A Single Man. I felt so special. Then I had to explain the movie to one of the people who I work with what the movie was about. Which pretty much failed, because there isn't a right way to explain that movie. She told me that someone thought it was strange, and my happiness from starting work to the cute face of Nicholas Hoult was kinda deflated. Oh well...I guess A Single Man just really isn't Dannevirke's thing.

AAAAAAND...for the most exciting thing that has happened all week (apart from getting the Inception script, of course)!


So, I just read The Accidental Billionaires by Ben Mezrich, and it's fair to say, I am obsessed with the Facebook story (that and I am writing an epic article all about Facebook for the local paper). I am also in love with Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield at the moment. I have been wanting to see The Social Network ever since I found out that David Fincher was directing it (because I couldn't quite process that thought). Even more so seeing all the rave reviews it's getting. But it wasn't set to be released here until November 25th, which would suck for me becuase I would be going on a stupid school camp then and wouldn't be able to see it until ages after. However, today, I found out, that the release date had been pushed up a couple of weeks and it will be here on November 11! Which means I don't have to wait so long! Trust me, the countdown has already started...
(Dear Movie God, if only Never Let Me Go's release date could be pushed up...maybe four months? I have to wait 10th February 2011 to see it...and I'm not sure my Andrew Garfield obsession can wait that long. Amen.)