Nicolas Un-Caged: Season of the Witch (2011)

Welcome to another edition of the sporadic new feature, 'Nicolas Un-Caged', where I, Stevee Taylor, a person who is very cool towards actor Nicolas Cage, tackle some Nicolas Cage movies. At the end of the review, I give Nicolas Cage a rating between 1 and 5 Nicolas Cage's, based on how crazy Nicolas Cage is in a Nicolas Cage movie. Did I use the name Nicolas Cage enough in that passage? Nicolas Cage.

All I remember about Season of the Witch was that it was once rated 1% on Rotten Tomatoes. Now, to me, you can't get much worse than being rated 1%. Because it means that, like, one person liked your movie. One lonely critic liked your movie. Which is more sad than nobody liking your movie, for some reason. So with it's star-power being reduced to Nicolas Cage and a slew of awful reviews, this movie was released in America, only scoring back around 60% of it's budget during it's release there. June comes around, and this movie pops up on DVD. I thought "no one has heard of it, so it won't be that popular." Boy, was I wrong. At work this past weekend, there were only two movies which people were demanding: True Grit (well done, Dannevirke) and Season of the Witch. Response coming back from the two was positive too. I can see why True Grit is so well-liked, because at least that is actually entertaining, but Season of the Witch? I just didn't see it.

I'm sure the popularity that this movie got this weekend didn't come down to Nicolas Cage being the top star, but because it is marketed as a medieval actioner. But really, this is a medieval borefest. This film is set in the times when the Black Plague was ravaging the land, and when witches were believed to be the cause of all of this. Old Nic, who plays Behmen here, embarks on a bit of a road trip with his buddy Felson (Ron Perlman) as they take a girl accused of being a witch (Claire Foy) from A to B. We go on a arduous journey across perilous terrain with them and we discover the truth about this supposed witch, along with finding the true courage which these fine men have.

It all sounds very majestic, but really, this is one cheap movie. The scenery is nice enough, even though it seems as if the camera made it look 100 times more dull. That doesn't do wonders for the story either. Believe me, I tried to stay with this movie. But you know how hard it is to stay with a movie that moves at the pace of a snail, takes itself far too seriously and doesn't even have the decency to give us a laugh or two to tide us over. I will admit, this movie isn't nearly as bad as it's 7% rating on Rotten Tomatoes makes it out to be. But yes, it is bad. The action sequences, which are few and far between, are less than exciting. I mean, when you first meet Behmen and Felson in a montage of their fictional fights, you do think that this might be a fun journey, because they look they might be a couple of jokesters. Between Nic wearing his serious face and Ron Perlman occasionally trying to lighten things up, the two never really gel, so we miss a couple of funny buddies that this movie needed.

The worst thing about Season of the Witch, though, is the fact that Nic isn't even remotely crazy in this movie. He never says anything that makes us question his sanity. He doesn't even make any weird screaming noises. Which is a great shame, because when you have a bad movie, something always makes you laugh. When you have Nicolas Cage in a bad movie, you expect to be rolling on the floor with laughter. But no, Season of the Witch is surprisingly tame. Which makes me wonder why Nic actually starred in this nonsense. Even though he may have turned into the worst actor in the world, he is above this B-grade horror schlock. He should know by now that we all enjoy him being slightly off his knocker, not sleep-walking through a movie with his one and only serious face on the whole time. One more movie like this, Nic, and you've lost your entire fanbase. I guess his hair did look impressive, though.

THE VERDICT: It's the kind of movie that should have gone straight-to-DVD everywhere, or better yet, been kept on the shelf. Season of the Witch is definitely not the most exciting movie, and Nic Cage isn't anything to laugh about, either.

What I got:

Nic Cage Crazy Scale:

Nicolas Un-Caged: Vampire's Kiss (1988)

If you've been around this blog for a long time, then you would probably know that I enjoy making fun of old Nicolas Cage now and again. But I've been unfair. I haven't seen that many of his movies. So, from now until the end of this blogs life, every Nicolas Cage movie I watch (and I will try to watch as many of them as possible), will get the title 'Nicolas Un-Caged'. Because he really is un-caged, in just about every role he takes. To go with this new sporadic feature, will be a 'Nic Cage Crazy Scale', which goes from one Nic to five Nic's. Everything else will be as normal. In this edition, I go to the tippety-top of Nic Cage crazies, and take a look at Vampire's Kiss.

I first heard about Vampire's Kiss through the brilliant "Nic Cage Loses His Shit" video, where the film is prominently featured as he runs down the street yelling "I'M A VAMPIRE! I'M A VAMPIRE!", yells the alphabet like it's the end of the world, and wandering through the city with a piece of wood going "oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh". So I was curious - what does this all mean? It looked pretty crazy from the clips used in that marvellous video. I guess I was expecting a very straightforward showcase of just how crazy the Cage is. But no. I got quite a confusing psychological dark comedy with a lead actor who just went all out in his role.

From the get-go, Peter Loew (Cage), a yuppie literary agent, is a little bit on edge. He has been known to get ticked off when things do not go his way, and he spends a lot of time explaining his life to a therapist (Elizabeth Ashley). After he finishes work he spends his nights at several clubs, and one night he meets Rachel (Jennifer Beals), who he takes home. But it turns out that Rachel appears to have fangs and begins feeding on our dear Peter. From this day forward, Peter is convinced that he is a vampire: he fails to see his reflection in the mirror, he wears sunglasses to 'avoid the light', and he sets up a vampire cave where he and his sexy vampire girlfriend Rachel live. We see Peter basically go off his nut in every way possible, but is he really a vampire, or is he just insane?

Now, this actually has a very good premise, and with the amount of remakes out there at the moment, this should really be the highest priority. However, this is really one of a kind. Saturated with cheesiness, this flick has everything I hate about (most) 80's movies: painful sexual encounters, an odd music video vibe, a really bad script...it's no masterpiece. Then again, Vampire's Kiss isn't the worst movie ever, like I expected it to be. As I said, the premise is good - and the way they go about it, for the most part, is just about as good. There is a lot of ambiguity about the film, leaving a bit of confusion in it's wake, but unltimately, that confusion leads to a very nice psychological thriller, of sorts. I guess you could say this movie is a somewhat disturbing portrait of a man unhinged. Sure, it's a bit far-fetched, but the madness that Peter assigns to himself is quite shocking to watch. Especially when he eats that cockroach...

This movie is dominated by Nicolas Cage's performance, in all of it's over the top glory, which pretty much takes any chance of this film being taken seriously away. I could never quite believe that his craziness was actually a form of mental illness. And yes, it is hard to sympathise with such a man. He really is more crazy than any human should be. One has to applaud Nic, though, because it does take a lot of courage to become this unhinged on screen. However, his performance does break this film. It could have been a smart thriller about a man questioning his sanity, but instead it just became...proof that an actor shouldn't be left to let himself go so much. This was obviously a project for Nic to let out all of his problems through being a man who thinks he is a vampire. Unfortunately, Nic had a lot of problems.

THE VERDICT: In the end, Vampire's Kiss can be easily be described as a bad film. But underneath that nutso performance from Nicolas Cage is quite a smart little story, and a very entertaining watch.

What I got:

The Nic Cage Crazy Scale: