Friday, April 27, 2012
A Conversation with New Year's Eve
CHRISTOPHER: Even though it is the 27th of April, I figure it is always okay to interview New Year's Eve. After all, it didn't come out on New Year's Eve. Geez, even Valentine's Day made the effort to come out on Valentine's Day.
NEW YEAR'S EVE: I didn't want to undermine everyone's actual New Year's Eves by making them want to come see me instead of getting drunk and actually having a good idea. So I thought, why not come out at the start of December? Then I'd just undermine Christmas.
C: I don't recall you ever being successful. Christmas still went ahead.
NYE: Still, I was top of the box office.
C: And in your second week you got beaten by some singing chipmunks.
NYE: I ended up earning more than the singing chipmunks.
C: The singing chipmunks have a higher rating than you do on Rotten Tomatoes.
NYE: I have a better cast than the singing chipmunks.
NYE: TOO FAR. I'll have you know that people enjoy seeing Katherine Heigl in romantic comedies!
C: Do they? Name some, then.
NYE: ...singing chipmunks?
C: Very convincing. Now, tell me a bit about yourself.
NYE: There is just so much to say. Well, it is New Year's Eve, a night where everyone falls in love and stuff and everyone's happy because they've started a new year and I tell the story of a whole lot of people who want to find love/have love on this magical night. First, there's...
C: Please don't feel compelled to tell us a brief summary of everyone involved in this film. I'm afraid if you did that you'd probably give away your entire storyline.
NYE: But really, I don't mind, everyone's probably figured it out anyway...
NYE: Well, you see, we thought that, but some British movie...I don't know, what is it called? Ah, Love Actually, already bet us to the punch with that one.
C: I guess being British helps when you're making holiday themed multi-plot films with big casts.
NYE: Yes, I've realised this, but the fact they've taken Christmas kind of shot that horse in the face. Maybe, we could set the next holiday film in Britain about a British holiday, starring American people. What's a British holiday?
C: Queen's Birthday?
NYE: Perfect. Maybe the Queen could fall in love, on her birthday.
C: For one thing, it isn't her real birthday. For a second thing, she's already married.
NYE: Damn. I thought Josh Duhamel would have been quite the catch for her. Well what about that king guy from The King's Speech?
C: I'm afraid he's dead.
NYE: COLIN FIRTH IS DEAD?
NYE: Hmmmmmmmmm. I bet there are lots of ways we can show that people really feel the love of Queen's birthday. We have to involve Katherine Heigl and Sarah Jessica Parker. And make a really photoshopped photo, filled with blue and red because that what is on the British flag - but the Americans will think it is all about them since their flag is blue and red too. Genius. And we'll also have another musical montage, because that went down a treat. Maybe we'll get Colin Firth in there, even though you say that he is dead. But I dunno, I hope he has gotten over that stutter. That could prove problematic when he's filming his love story with acting maestro Katherine Heigl.
C: You really need to stop thinking.
NYE: I've got a tagline!
C: Oh good lord.
NYE: "Even though it isn't really the Queen's birthday, you can still find right royal love on this holiday."
C: And just when I thought you couldn't get much worse than 'Let love be your resolution'
What I got: