Thursday, March 29, 2012
A Conversation with Immortals
If you're unsure about what the hell this post is going to be about, basically I have an interviewer, Christopher (a.k.a the name of my dream ginger cat that I'm not allowed until I leave home) who interviews a movie. It is light-hearted fun - so don't criticise me too much if my jokes aren't funny (which they usually aren't), it is too vague (which it is) or you think it is a sack full of ignorance. Cynicism isn't in this season.
CHRISTOPHER: Hi there. You look very...gold. Anyway...you look very tan. Tell me, what's your secret?
IMMORTALS: CGI. Or maybe it is just the fact that you sir, are so pale.
C: I suppose that's a justifiable reason. Or that I'm not a Greek God.
I: That too. Maybe you've picked the wrong career. Go throw some stones about or carry buckets of water up steep mountains to your homestead, you'll get very fit like myself. I understand that in your time you don't just get blessed with a perfect body. Now, don't worry about that tan, the CGI will do that for you. Just get some gold armour and a sword and you will be one of us.
I: Oh don't worry, all you have to do is look angry and yell really loudly when you slice someone's head off. There's nothing to it.
C: Okay then. If I ever happen to be transported to 1228 BC I will take that advice on board. Now for you to give some advice to the readers...what exactly are you about?
I: What do you mean by that?
C: What is your story?
I: Oh, the story. Do you think that your readers care about the story? Because I think all they'd care about is the way I look and the action sequences.
C: That may be so, but these readers are a smart bunch. Looks will only get you so far...
I: Alright. It is about Gods and Titans. The Gods must stop the titans. And a young peasant named Theseus is the only one who can do that. So he has the godly task (hahaha, you get it?) of trying to save the world.
I: Clash of the Titans sounds like me, I do not sound like Clash of the Titans. And I do not look like Clash of the Titans. I am better than Clash of the Titans.
C: Well at least there probably isn't that much of a chance of you getting a sequel, then.
I: Anything is possible. That's what Theseus symbolises.
C: Ah, symbolism. No doubt a big factor which you worked on a lot.
I: Not really, no. There are more important things to do. Such as make everything look good and have good action sequences. After all, isn't that what everyone wants?
C: They're very standard values.
I: Are you calling the way I look 'standard'?
I: That's what happened in The Wrestler. And you can't tell me that's not a good movie.
C: Yes but...never mind. Henry Cavill will be saving the world next with Zack Snyder's take of Superman. Do you think he is a good fit?
I: Looks? Check. Acting chops? Check. Capability of dealing with indulgent slow motion sequences? Check.
C: Aha. So what I've gathered is that you're all about the looks, the violence, and Mickey Rourke. Anything else you want to add?
I: Something that I think will resonate with the readers who have seen Braveheart: Stand your ground! Fight for order! Fight for the man beside you! Fight for those who bore you! Fight for your children! Fight for your future! Fight for your name to survive! Fight! For immortality!
C: That was so inspirational I couldn't tell whether you were directly quoting Mel Gibson or not.
I: At least I look better than Mel Gibson.
What I got: