Wednesday, June 22, 2011

"You've done some bad things, sweetie": The Green Hornet, Yogi Bear, Dorian Gray, Sanctum

All of these movies have one thing in common: I gave them all the "You've done some bad things, sweetie" rating. Here are some paragraph long reviews on each of these films which I cannot be bothered doing full reviews for:

The Green Hornet

I like Seth Rogen and his writing partner Evan Goldberg better when they're writing about fake IDs, obsessive compulsive penis drawers and Jonah Hill actually being fat and funny. Because that came from experience, so they know how to make it funny. Their efforts with The Green Hornet? Disappointing. These guys are more at home when they can use the F-word as much as they like than they are trying to make a friendly superhero flick. Which is a shame because a Michel Gondry superhero flick has the potential to be out of this world. The problem is, the film is never very super. It's only entertaining when it wants to be, which isn't very often, and it spends most of it's time being dull, even with some pretty impressive fight scenes. It's far longer than it should have been, which only adds to it's dullness. The cast all seem to be on auto-pilot also, apart from Christoph Waltz who gleefully slided through the film with his easy villain like presence. Seth Rogen was Seth Rogen, Jay Chou was...a sidekick who was a sidekick, Cameron Diaz was a little less than our normal Cameron Diaz. Sure, these people don't have superpowers, but Kick-Ass only had a quarter of this one's budget and none of those fancy gadgets, yet that still succeeded. Rogen and Goldberg would have been better going all out on a movie similar to that.

Yogi Bear

When I say that this movie is 'not that bad', I'm saying that because I was expecting a trainwreck of a movie. I was expecting annoying kiddie jokes and characters so diabolical that I might have to shoot myself. Thankfully, there was none of that. This isn't the type of movie that should be given 13% on Rotten Tomatoes. Because it isn't that bad. But yes, it is pretty mediocre. I laughed a few times, but that was only at things which I have laughed at many times before. There's nothing fresh at all about this movie. It's very predictable and sometimes downright annoying at how stupid it can be. It's everything you could expect out of a talking bear movie. I feel weird saying such negative things about a kids flick, since kids are no critics and they will watch and love everything as long as it's not too scary. Obviously, if you don't have kids, don't watch this movie. But New Zealand does look very nice in the background...

Dorian Gray

This movie made me feel intoxicated. Now that may have had something to do with the fact that I am on so many drugs right now that I may as well be a part of Requiem for a Dream, but this movie literally made me feel woozy. The direction is to blame for that. Everything is so hazy and unclear, and sometimes it's like the camera isn't stabilised by anything. The various 'sex scenes' are painful to watch because the director is so intent on not making one scene, but trying to make five scenes in one. And then we have Ben Barnes, who looked like he needed a good drink. I'm sure he's a talented bloke, but he was lifeless in the lead role. He never really took off in the role, letting it down a great deal because you can't really believe in him at all. Now, I know that 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' is a pretty popular novel (and a pretty good one - I'm halfway through it), but the way this movie chooses to portray the story doesn't do much good for the novel. It's cheap, B-grade and very dull. However, the performances from Colin Firth (who was definitely the best thing about this movie), Rebecca Hall, Ben Chaplin and Rachel Hurd-Wood offer some class to the movie - class which it should have taken with both hands to avoid the dismal mess that it became.


I am actually sick of movies about people surviving against the odds. It's great that they have such harrowing stories and all, but some of them aren't meant to be films. Just like Sanctum. Now, I'm sure this movie was amazing in 3D. But I'm also sure that this movie doesn't have a lot going for it other than beautiful photography. The story was probably amazing, but as a movie, it isn't in it for the long haul. And being underwater for nearly the entire time is a little bit tiring, since the audience is subjected to watching a whole group of people frantically swim around. But whenever the people are out of the water, it's just as annoying, seeing as the acting isn't anything particularly special. Throw in a lame broken relationship between a father and son and this becomes a movie which you just want to escape. Unfortunately, the screen goes black around three times before it actually finishes, which is amazingly annoying.

Of course, all of these movies managed to get a:

Have you seen any of these films? If so, did you find that they did some 'bad things' too?


  1. Sanctum was baaaadddddddddddd, reeeeaallllyyyyyy bad!!!! I honestly ran from the cinema after that one!! Yogi Bear was very mediocre but it was better than Sanctum. Green Hornet I've already commented the hell it was mesed up so badly I'll never know. Such a good idea with such scope but man was it stuffed up completely. I wanted to like it but I just couldn't.

  2. Come on Stevee, Yogi Bears rocked!!

    OK I jest with you, but for the kids it was aimed at (my two are 4 and 6) it was pretty damn cool!! Its not a Megamind or Tangled, but it is still fun!!

    The rest I totally agree with you!

  3. Nice run of mediocre movies! Still waiting to see The Green Hornet. Have absolutely no interest in the other ones though.

  4. The shooting yourself quip is oddly how I felt Yogi Bear was going to be like.

    The paragraph was worth waiting for man!

  5. Brent - Geez, I don't know why Sanctum was so bad. I couldn't wait for it to be over. The Green Hornet was pretty much the same :(

    Custard - It was entertaining, I'll admit it! Me and Mum had a few laughs. But the kids will love it, and that's all that matters. Which is why I felt weird criticising it.

    Castor - The Green Hornet is probably the best out of the lot. Don't even bother with the others!

    Cherokee - It wasn't. Okay, it depends what kind of mind frame you set yourself in to watch it. I was so dosed up on drugs I didn't really care about what I was watching.
    And I'm sorry I could not do four paragraphs :( Criticising a little kids movie is really, really mean. I feel like I have sinned for writing a negative paragraph about it :L

  6. This takes patience and dedication. Hats off to you Stevee! If Green Lantern is the best of the bunch...I don't want to think about the others!

  7. A while ago i saw a asian movie called Vanquisher. It had 4 stars on ntetflix, and it seemed like it would be a decent martial art flick from the lord, it was SO BAD. The directing, the acting, the writing(particularly the character development), the fight scenes9exept for the last one)...for most movies, even if they aren't perfect, i can find 1 or 2 elements that work...but i could find nothing that worked in the movie. And i'm pretty sure it was from the people who did Ong-Back which made it all the more disappointing

    And honestly i found Dorian Grey to be decent. Does this mean i have bad taste?

  8. Andy - Haha, it also takes lots of drugs (stay off the drugs kids, I actually needed these). Seriously, don't even think about the others!

    dirtywithclass - Don't you hate that? I'm the same as you, I always look for positive things, but I hate it when you can't find anything good. Like in The Hottie and the Nottie. Worst. Film. Ever.
    No, it doesn't mean you have bad taste. It just means you have different taste to mine :P

  9. I saw only Dorian Gray among these and what you have written about it absolutely coincides with what I think. I could even give it the james-franco-help rating.

  10. It was a strangely made movie, huh? I was actually going to rate it higher, but then I decided it didn't deserve it :P


You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.


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