10 Years of Mean Girls

No, I didn't see Mean Girls 10 years ago when it first came out. I do remember it popping up in all of the little pre-tween magazines that I used to hoard, but I never saw it until it popped up on TV one day in 2007. I recorded it off the TV on one of those gigantic fossils we used to call videotapes. Unfortunately, the first three minutes cut out of my recording, so I never saw those first three minutes until I bought it on DVD a year later. Yet, I didn't need those three minutes. Mean Girls was, and forever will be, my favourite high school comedy of all time. Hell, probably even my favourite comedy of all time. Why?

Because 7 years since I first saw it, I'm pretty positive there hasn't been a day go by that I haven't quoted it in some way. Like seriously, there is a quote for every life situation:

When someone does well with something: "You go, Glen Coco!"

When someone asks someone else why they're white: "Oh my god Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white."

When you're a mother: "I'm not like a regular mom, I'm a cool mom."

When it's raining: "There's a 30% chance that it's already raining!"

When you don't want to go out with someone: "I can't go out *fake coughs* I'm sick."

When someone annoys you: "Boo, you whore."

Possible valedictory speech: "I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me...but I can't help it that I'm so popular."

When needing to do a rap: "Yo yo yo all you sucker MC's ain't got nothing on me! From my grades, to my lines you can't touch Kevin G! I'm a mathlete, so nerd is inferred, but forget what you heard I'm like James Bond the third, sh-sh-sh-shaken not stirred - I'm Kevin Gnapoor! The G's silent when I sneak through your door. And make love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don't play it like Shaggy, you'll know it was me. Cause the next time you see her she'll be like, OOH! KEVIN G!"

Literally the entire script is quotable. The entire thing.

The Curious Case of The Canyons

The KickStarter phenomenon is an interesting one. While I'm sure it does good work in getting artists to share their vision with the help of the donations, there's also the other side to it. That side is taken up by the film The Canyons, a film which introduced me to the KickStarter scheme, Bret Easton Ellis' Twitter feed and porn star James Deen. Oh, and then I actually saw the film.

Wow, that was pretty terrible.

Now I hear there's all sorts of sides to the story that equate to why this was a massive failure. The way Bret Easton Ellis would wax poetic about his screenplay adaptation back in its early days made it seem like the movie would be the next American Psycho, the next game-changing definition of our generation in the gritty noir setting of LA. Granted, the film didn't have talent like Christian Bale, Reese Witherspoon, Jared Leto etc to headline the film. Instead, we had Ellis' 'pet project' James Deen, and everyone's favourite tabloid superstar Lindsay Lohan.

A Conversation with Mean Girls

Earlier this evening, I felt like I'd failed you all because I didn't have a movie to converse with. And then the brilliant Nikhat came to me at my hour of need and said "Oh you should totally do one with Mean Girls. It'll be so fetch ;-)" Fetch it would be. In case you don't know, I freaking love Mean Girls - it is definitely one of my absolute favourite films of all time. And not a day goes by where I don't quote it. This should be fun...

CHRISTOPHER: After being tormented by Greek Gods, robots, and a cat wearing boots, I'm ready to talk to a movie about normal people. 
MEAN GIRLS: You go Glenn Coco!

C: My name is not Glenn Coco.
MG: Well then, what is it?

C: Christopher. 
MG: What? Crisp-oaf-her?

C: No, just Christopher. As it sounds. 
MG: My apologies. I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee.

C: ...Okay. Tell us all a bit about yourself.
MG: I am the guide to being a girl. I will teach you everything. For example:
-Butter is a carb.
-Halloween is the holiday where a girl can dress up like a total slut and no-one will say anything about it.
-You can't do to Taco Bell if you're on an all-carb diet.
-Everyone in Africa knows Swedish.
-Fetch is not going to happen.
-Joining mathletes is social suicide.
-Jingle Bell Rock is the best song you can perform at Christmas time. 
-Ex-boyfriends are off limits to friends. That's just like the rules of feminism.
-Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise?

C: Sounds very...interesting.
MG: Oh, and there's a 30% chance that it's already raining. 

C: Really? How do you figure that?
MG: I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense. It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it is going to rain. Or, at least, when it is raining.

C: That's a real talent. 
MG: I know, I bet you're jealous. I mean, I'm sorry that everyone's so jealous of me. I can't help it if I'm popular.

C: I'm sure you can't. 
MG: You want to hear a rap?

C: I'm sure you're going to do it anyway.
MG: Yo Yo Yo! All you sucka MCs ain't got nothin' on me! From my grades, to my lines you can't touch Kevin G! I'm a mathlete, so nerd is inferred, but forget what you heard I'm like James Bond the third, sh-sh-sh-shaken not stirred - I'm Kevin Gnapoor! The G's silent when I sneak through your door. And make love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don't play it like Shaggy, you'll know it was me. Cause the next time you see her she'll be like, OOH! KEVIN G!

C: Wow, that was inspiring. But I thought joining mathletes was social suicide.
MG: Only if you're a girl. And preferably don't make up rap songs. So not fetch.

C: And I thought fetch was never going to happen?
MG: People thought that Lindsay Lohan was going to happen, but she didn't.

C: So fetch is going to happen?
MG: It is going to happen just like Rachel McAdams does in dreary romantic dramas.

C: But Regina George said it was going to happen...
MG: And of course you'd believe that. You've probably felt personally victimised by Regina George.

C: Yes, I have. Who hasn't?
MG: Exactly. Her face smells like a foot, anyway.

C: So in this interview, we've covered the rules of being a girl, that your breasts can tell when it is raining, and you've performed a rap song. Anything else you need to say?
MG: On Wednesdays we wear pink.

What I got (obviously):

DVD--Machete

or: Killing people!!!

One word to sum it up: Violent.

Who knew that the fake trailer shown before Grindhouse would make a full length film? Well well well, amazingly, it did make a movie lasting 100 minutes. Machete. You'd think, from Robert Rodriguez's previous attempt at malevolent violence with Planet Terror, he'd go absolutely full on here. And, well, he did. You know a film really doesn't take itself seriously when five people get their heads chopped off in the first five minutes. But the problem is, even though you can't take the film itself seriously, the film actually seems to take itself seriously.

I expected a lot of fun from this film, which certainly came through in it's non-stop violence, but it all seemed so unhappy. Maybe I'm too young to get all the jokes or something, but this film seemed almost too set on trying to be good instead of awesome. I wanted awesome, not a bloody critical delight. Somehow, though, this film won positive reviews from the critics, which leads me to wonder how it got there. It's a good, entertaining film, but it's just not as outrageously funny as I had hoped it would be. However, Robert Rodriguez did a perfectly good job of capturing an old, grotty style of action violence which was pretty fun to watch. Heads were severed, bodies were chopped in half and that end fight was pretty damn exciting. Did any of it make sense? I can't say I got the entire gist of it, mainly because of all the characters coming in and out of it, but what did you expect from a movie like this?

The story is really messy, even though it seems perfectly straight forward on paper: Machete (Danny Trejo) was betrayed and set-up by his boss, resulting in his wife and child being murdered by drug kingpin Torrez (Steven Seagal). Now, in Texas, Machete resurfaces when hired to assassinate Senator McLaughlin (Robert De Niro), an extreme advocate against illegal immigration. Once again betrayed and set-up, Machete plots his revenge against the men who've wronged him with the help of resistance fighter Luz (Michelle Rodriguez), ICE Agent Sartana (Jessica Alba), and the shotgun-toting Padre (Cheech Marin). Yeah, it's pretty average material. Considering the Z-grade nature of the project, it is just right. Robert Rodriguez seems to have a lot of fun putting as much cheese as he can in this story. Which is cool, because cheesiness is damn entertaining to me.

The characters are all pretty interesting, even though the only really outrageous one is Machete. Danny Trejo, who has been a zillion straight to DVD movies which I've never even heard of, is a perfect fit for this character. He's a character of very little words, which makes him wildly interesting to watch as he runs around on his little mission. And of course, he and I have something in common: "Machete don't text". His support is okay, but again, with the quality of this feature, the acting doesn't really matter. Robert De Niro is back (again) and is still the best actor alive, even if he hasn't got the material to back that opinion up. Jessica Alba is perhaps a little more deserving of her Razzie win for this one than she was for The Killer Inside Me, and is pretty forgettable. Steven Seagal is in his first theatrically released movies in God knows how long. Michelle Rodriguez is Michelle Rodriguez, plain and simple. Lindsay Lohan was one of the people I really had a problem with, though. I don't know how her character had any relevance to the story at all. Then again, an appearance from actress Lindsay Lohan is always good.

It's clear, with the over-the-top violence, messy storyline and barrel load of characters that Robert Rodriguez had fun making this film. I, for one, loved the style in which this film was made. The real problem was the fact that the movie wasn't amazingly fun to watch...it all seemed a bit dreary.

THE VERDICT: It shouldn't be taken seriously, but Machete tries very hard to be serious, which is precisely the problem with this otherwise violent, messy, Z-grade feature which packs some real punches.

What I hoped for:

What I got:

Things I love about Mean Girls...

Mean Girls has to be one of the funniest high school movies ever made, and has completely defined my generation. Sure, it could have just been another teen comedy, but being written by Tina Fey, it's not. It is smart and captures what high school is all about: bitches, bitches, and more bitches. Hey, my high school doesn't really have a group as harsh as the Plastics, but there are people like them in every school.

Instead of going all out on a review, coz you have probably seen it (if you haven't, GO GET IT OUT NOW! You better be gone now...come back later!), I will unleash another 'Things I love review' (maybe a recurring feature on this blog??). I know that most of the following five things are mainly cast related, but that's because the cast is so amazing and they are the biggest contributors to the greatness of the movie. So anyway, enjoy=)

Wow, Lindsay Lohan used to be an actress?
Hard to believe. I'm really thinking that the Lindsay Lohan in this is completely different to the Lindsay Lohan that we see nowadays. It's a real shame because she used to be an alright actress, and the jobs she does manage to scruff up (i.e. Labour Pains) aren't very well received, and basically, no-one even knows they exist. I guess people kinda went off her after I Know Who Killed Me. However in Mean Girls, she makes the role of Cady someone to sympathize with...she is really just a jungle freak who somehow manages to make herself popular. Without the Plastics she probably would have been the same jungle freak.

Rachel McAdams as the mean girl.

She was 27 years old at the time of filming yet still managed to play the part of a teenager so believably, and I'm sure she is a lovely person, but I don't think I have ever hated a character as much as I hated Regina George. Okay, maybe it wasn't hate, because I loved watching her. But Rachel McAdams was definitely the stand out in this movie, by far. Like Regina George, whenever someone was near her, they shrivelled up and were soon forgotten. It's hard to believe that this is the same girl who was in The Notebook in the same year. What a fine, under-rated actress she is. She should so play another super-bitch.

Let's not forget the other mean girls.

I don't think Lacey Chabert has ever had another film like Mean Girls, as I have only seen her floating around the dark corners of straight-to-DVD-land. But she is perfect in this film as Gretchen Weiners, a girl who has everything from her rich daddy but will do anything to make sure she stays in the Plastics and doesn't look like a loner. I know a few people who are like her...they don't like who they are hanging out with but they feel they have to so they can get higher social status. Pretty sad, but that's the way 'girl-world' works. Then there is Amanda Seyfried, who plays dumb girl Karen. I think Karen is perhaps the most entertaining character out of the lot, and believe it or not, I actually know some people as stupid as her. This is definitely Seyfried's finest hour, as the romantic drivel she has been starring in lately (ah, Mamma Mia!, Dear John and Letters to Juliet) have only proved her sweetness but not her talent.

Tina Fey wrote a funny script and then she played a funny character.

Ms. Norbury is a teacher I would like to have. She's just so unsure of herself but can be really funny at the same time. She is like the other characters in this film, and I think what Tina Fey has done with this film is taken real life and made it funny. Everyone is unsure of themselves, and they have to find ways to get over that. And they get over it in different ways, but the outcome is always funny.

I watch it all the time and have never, ever, get bored with it.
Just everything about it is so funny and so easy to relate to. Trust me, I could watch this 1000 times and never be bored. I think you get the point.

I absolutely love Mean Girls. I don't think that it is wrong to say that this is one of the best films of the last decade. They really shouldn't have made a sequel.