Nikhat came to me at my hour of need and said "Oh you should totally do one with Mean Girls. It'll be so fetch ;-)" Fetch it would be. In case you don't know, I freaking love Mean Girls - it is definitely one of my absolute favourite films of all time. And not a day goes by where I don't quote it. This should be fun...
CHRISTOPHER: After being tormented by Greek Gods, robots, and a cat wearing boots, I'm ready to talk to a movie about normal people.
MEAN GIRLS: You go Glenn Coco!
C: My name is not Glenn Coco.
MG: Well then, what is it?
MG: What? Crisp-oaf-her?
C: No, just Christopher. As it sounds.
MG: My apologies. I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee.
C: ...Okay. Tell us all a bit about yourself.
MG: I am the guide to being a girl. I will teach you everything. For example:
-Butter is a carb.
-Halloween is the holiday where a girl can dress up like a total slut and no-one will say anything about it.
-You can't do to Taco Bell if you're on an all-carb diet.
-Everyone in Africa knows Swedish.
-Fetch is not going to happen.
-Joining mathletes is social suicide.
-Jingle Bell Rock is the best song you can perform at Christmas time.
-Ex-boyfriends are off limits to friends. That's just like the rules of feminism.
-Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise?
C: Sounds very...interesting.
MG: Oh, and there's a 30% chance that it's already raining.
C: Really? How do you figure that?
MG: I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense. It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it is going to rain. Or, at least, when it is raining.
C: That's a real talent.
MG: I know, I bet you're jealous. I mean, I'm sorry that everyone's so jealous of me. I can't help it if I'm popular.
C: I'm sure you can't.
MG: You want to hear a rap?
C: I'm sure you're going to do it anyway.
MG: Yo Yo Yo! All you sucka MCs ain't got nothin' on me! From my grades, to my lines you can't touch Kevin G! I'm a mathlete, so nerd is inferred, but forget what you heard I'm like James Bond the third, sh-sh-sh-shaken not stirred - I'm Kevin Gnapoor! The G's silent when I sneak through your door. And make love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don't play it like Shaggy, you'll know it was me. Cause the next time you see her she'll be like, OOH! KEVIN G!
C: Wow, that was inspiring. But I thought joining mathletes was social suicide.
MG: Only if you're a girl. And preferably don't make up rap songs. So not fetch.
C: And I thought fetch was never going to happen?
MG: People thought that Lindsay Lohan was going to happen, but she didn't.
C: So fetch is going to happen?
MG: It is going to happen just like Rachel McAdams does in dreary romantic dramas.
C: But Regina George said it was going to happen...
MG: And of course you'd believe that. You've probably felt personally victimised by Regina George.
C: Yes, I have. Who hasn't?
MG: Exactly. Her face smells like a foot, anyway.
C: So in this interview, we've covered the rules of being a girl, that your breasts can tell when it is raining, and you've performed a rap song. Anything else you need to say?
MG: On Wednesdays we wear pink.
What I got (obviously):