Friday, December 23, 2011

Stevee's Unofficial Worst Films of 2011

When I say 'unofficial', I definitely mean unofficial. You see, as I live in NZ, I'm 100 years behind the rest of the world and I've seen very few 2011 films. My official list could only be done half-way through next year. But it's always cool to make lists and see how much they change in the future, which is why I'm doing this now. Unfortunately I have not yet had the opportunity to watch such films as Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson or New Year's Eve, but I've seen my fair share of bad films released this year. So kick back and take a look at my unofficial list of the worst films from 2011...

(NOTE: There are a few 2010 films that were released here this year, but I won't be including them unless they were really, really late. I know exactly what I believe fits the criteria and what doesn't. Mind you, this will be more relevant when I do my 'Best of' list tomorrow)

Dishonourable mentions: The Dilemma, The Green Hornet, Green Lantern, Take Me Home Tonight, Red Riding Hood, The Mechanic, Just Go with It, Gnomeo & Juliet.

10. I Am Number Four
Loud and obnoxious, what is essentially a twist on the Twilight tale tries to masquerade as a compelling sci-fi flick filled with angst, but it fails. In fact, the movie just fails. It is set up to start a franchise, but I doubt that anyone would want to sit through anything like this again. It is also supposed to be the big breakthrough for Alex Pettyfer, but I couldn't stand him. The film is just so derivative that it's impossible to remember anything that happened in it within an hour of seeing the credits roll. A movie about a teen who discovers that he is an alien and everyone wants to kill him just isn't that exciting.

9. Sanctum
There is actually very little that I remember about this movie. I don't know whether that is because when I watched it I was still on a lot of drugs after getting my tonsils out, or whether it's because it was just really bad. All I remember is that there was a lot of water, a lot of blue and some lame family issues that just had to happen while these people were diving. Other than that, it was a poorly acted, weakly scripted and flatly executed deep sea tale that lacked any conviction or passion. But if you slap the name James Cameron on it, people will still watch it.

8. Battle: Los Angeles
For a teenage guy, this movie will be a masterpiece. For a teenage girl such as myself, it is nothing but a grimy bore. I'm sorry, but I really don't find multiple explosions very exciting. In fact, I didn't find much about this movie very exciting. And beware, because the average watch of this movie turns out to be more expensive than you would think at first. You have the price of the rental, and because of how filthy and grimy the movie is, you'll have to go and get some deodorant and soap to clean it off with. They should really make Battle: LA combo packs at DVD stores.

7. Your Highness
Turns out Natalie Portman didn't have a fantastic post-Oscar set of films. But not only that, this also starred James Franco, who got himself an Oscar nomination for 127 Hours. The one thing this film has in common with his hosting performance at the Oscars: he decided to just zombie around and be stoned for the entire thing. I've seen this movie twice now, and there's only one thing I can say about it: way too many dick jokes. Seriously, male genitalia is not really that funny.

6. Season of the Witch
You know why I watch Nicolas Cage movies? Because usually, they're hilarious. He usually lets loose and provides some good entertainment, even if the movies are really bad. Season of the Witch, however, is just a plain bad Nicolas Cage movie. There's nothing to it. We just have to watch Nic, Ron Perlman, a few tag-alongs and a witch go from A to B, which is almost as exciting as watching paint dry. I say 'almost' because at least the paint has more colour than this one.

5. Something Borrowed
This isn't a poorly made movie, at all. It's just extremely horrible to watch. Think of every cliché that you could possibly put into a rom-com, times it by 20 and stick it into a movie that runs at an over-long 112 minutes. Yes, it is painful to watch. We see running around in the rain, people looking romantically at each other but not doing anything about their feelings, a really annoying Kate Hudson and an overly sarcastic guy friend. This film could have been over in half-an-hour, or better yet, it could have just been reduced to the trailer, because from that you can tell what is going to happen. I'm sure that this whole love triangle business does happen in real life, but that doesn't mean that we need 20 million movies about it.

4. Sucker Punch
This time last year, Sucker Punch was my most anticipated movie for 2011. I thought it looked awesome, like there was no way that it could possibly fail. Then the reviews came around, and I decided to give this one a miss at the cinemas. Let's just say, it was the best $30 I saved all year. On a cold winter's night I watched it on DVD, and I was blown away by how awful it was. Despite it's mostly female cast, this is the most anti-female movie ever. The only thing a girl could ever take away from it is that the only way you can get revenge is by dressing like a total slut. There was one good thing that came out of it, though: I loved how I could compare it to a teapot in my review.

3. The Hangover: Part II
You'll never know how much I wanted to go against the general critics consensus and turn out loving this movie. I tried so hard to like it. But I just couldn't. I am a HUGE fan of the first one, so to say that this movie lets that one down is a major understatement. It's vulgar, offensive, harsh, annoying, much of the same was just a really horrible film. I think I summed it up best in the last line of my review: "...there's nothing that I dislike more about the film industry than anything else: originality is often sacrificed for money."

2. Transformers: Dark of the Moon
I've heard many people saying that this is the best film of the series...even Steven Spielberg thinks so. I love you, Steven, but we have to disagree on this one. You know that whenever you get reminded of this film you get an instant headache, you must have really disliked it. At 154 minutes, this is one of the most boring movies I've ever seen, especially when it gets down to the hour-long finale. The worst part is that there is no way you could possibly fall asleep while watching it, because it is SO. DAMN. LOUD. Proves that Transformers was only cool back in 2007.

1. The Roommate
This has to be one of the worst film I've ever seen in my life. It has a lame plot, even lamer acting and an extremely lame dependence on thriller clichés to get it through. Rebecca, played by Queen B Leighton Meester, is one of the most annoying characters ever, as she does all sorts of crazy shit so she can get closer to her precious roommate Sarah. This includes killing a kitten. Never is it acceptable to kill a kitten. Especially not for the sake of a crappy movie like this.

What do you think of these films? And what are some of your least favourite movies of 2011?


  1. Bahahaha... nice list. I think Transformers takes the no. 1 spot. I really hate Green Lantern and Red Riding Hood too. And oh, Breaking Dawn awfulness.
    The worst films I saw in 2011 however was this film called Legally Blondes, which is in my top 2 worst films of all time. And then in Bollywod, there was this film called Ra.One, which was supposed to be India's big entry into the international action movie scene, except it was just soooo awful.

  2. Great list, fulled to the brim with awfulness! I agree with all the choices I've seen. Sorry I won't be here to read your Best Of list tomorrow. We are leaving for a long drive and we want to get away by midday. So have a happy Christmas day and the second I get back home in January, I'll be sure to check out all the posts I'll have missed.

  3. Ohhh goodness, Sanctum was dreadful! It was more like a 'Look at the 3D see how amazing it is!' kind of film. Apart from that, I haven't actually seen the other films in this list - I feel like jumping for joy for having dodged a heap of bullets!
    I didn't really mind Gnomeo and Juliet though (I see it's in your honourable mentions :P ) I thought it was cute. Kinda forgettable, definitely for the little ones, but not so bad.

  4. Shame to see Sanctum on here. was hoping that might be cool. Not surprised I am Number Four is here though I was planning on trying it out. Good call on Sucker Punch... wow what a mess! That and Your Highness were massively disappointing.

  5. I haven't seen a single one of those films.... I tried to watch The Green Hornet a couple of days ago but was so bored after 15min that I just gave up. And I like Seth Rogen so I really wanted to like it, but... it was just so not interesting. I'd watch Sucker Punch for the Jon Hamm bit, Your Highness because I like Pineapple Express, and The Hangover II because like you, I really liked the first one. Though... I haven't gathered the strength to watch them yet, hahah

  6. Wow, I also haven't seen any of these. The Green Hornet is on my DVR, so I might have to think about skipping it. I almost saw a few of these like Your Highness, but I heard so many bad things. Thanks for reminding me to keep staying away from these movies!

  7. I only saw number 3 and 4 from your list - in principal I avoid blockbusters that look horribly dumb, If I were to made a list I'd definetly include Sucker Punch which was misguided and loud mess and added new Pirates of the Carribean film along with Tree of Life since it was without a doubt the most boring movie I've seen in my life and no amount of pretty pictures can cover the vast hole where the script should be

  8. I've seen 7 of the movies, but I'd probably only put 3-4 of them on my list. Your Highness would probably be near the top. Dear God, was that one painful for me.

  9. How does a piece of crap like GREEN LANTERN slide by with an honorable mention, while a masterpiece like TRANSFORMERS gets the number 2?

    Ok, that's a joke, but seriously. GREEN LANTERN is near the very top of my list. I still can't get over how awful that was!

  10. For me the main problem with Your Highness was that McBrides character was way to unsympathetic for too much of the movie It got better near the end for me, but the journey getting there was too bad to be redeemed.

    Totally agree with you on The Hangover 2 and Transformers 3.

    And did recently end up seeing the Roommate and while it wasn't great i don't think i hated it like you did. And Leighton does do psycho rather well i must say. I also didn't hate Suckerpunch like a lot of people.

  11. Nikhat - Legally Blondes? We have that at Blockbuster. Oh lord. I'll be staying away from that one!

    Tyler - I hope you're having a good holiday!

    Ruth - It was so boring! All I remember is it having a whole lot of water.
    I think Gnomeo and Juliet is on here because I can't remember it at all. But I'm sure the kids would like it!

    Pete - In a better world Sanctum would have the potential to be awesome. But it just wasn't. I didn't like it much at all!

    Sofia - You are a lucky child! Jon Hamm is only in Sucker Punch for like, two minutes (maybe even less than that), so don't watch the movie just for him!

    Dan - Keep staying away!

    Sati - I loved The Tree of Life :/ But I totally understand why everyone hates it, I'm just the weirdest, possibly mental teenager there is on this planet.

    Nick - Your Highness was just plain bad!

    Sebastian - Haha. While Green Lantern was loud, obnoxious and terribly long, I didn't think it was as bad as all of these films!

    Julian - That's exactly right. McBride kinda ruined it for me.
    I don't think anyone could hate it like me! Haha. Leighton was alright.

  12. Something Borrowed left me so angry, I kept willing to give it a try and then that final reveal and those last ten minutes just made me seethe with rage.

  13. you had me...until the hangover 2. i thought that movie was funny lol

  14. Andrew - It reminded me of Bride Wars. Which, last time I checked, was not a good thing!

    Candice - Haha, I'm just a snob :P


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