Lame Trailer Clichés: 8 Things You'll Always See In Rom-Com Trailers

Ah, romantic comedies. When did we last see a good one? Well, if you did, chances are they weren't made for Hollywood's sake or they were made years ago. I think the question that we really need to be asking is when was the last time you saw a trailer for a romantic comedy and thought "YES. I'm going to see that because it looks so original." Yeah...didn't think so. That's because romantic comedy trailers employ the same techniques. Here are the main five:

1. "Meet this person in this glorious freeze frame."

The ironic thing about this freeze frame introducing us to Stephanie Plum, Katherine Heigl's latest 'heroine' from One for the Money, is that her facial expression is pretty much how I looked through the entire movie. Foreshadowing, perhaps? Oh One for the Money, you really are too good.

Lame Trailer Clichés: Pop Songs for Rom-Coms

One of the things that I dislike most about my job is the sound on the trailer disc. Sometimes, it'll be really quiet. Other times, I'll be half way through serving a customer and then the TV will suddenly burst out with some catchy but totally annoying pop song. More often than not, I'll look up and that annoying pop song will be accompanying a trailer for a rom-com. And then I'll get the song stuck in my head. So I don't know, I guess these trailers are doing their jobs:

10 Things I Learned Thanks to 2011 Films

Now we're into 2012, it is time to make those new year's resolutions. To do that, we usually try to draw on the experiences and lessons we learned in the previous year in order to see what we can do better this year. So if you need a little help, here are some things that I learned thanks to watching films released in 2011. They're valuable lessons, indeed...(there might be some spoilers here, especially for #1)

10. It is possible to be a walking photoshopped figure.
Film: Crazy, Stupid, Love.
Teacher: Ryan Gosling
2011 was undoubtedly the year of Ryan Gosling. He had a couple of star turns in Drive and The Ides of March, but what we will all remember him for is his unreal physique in Crazy, Stupid, Love. It was so unreal that it caused Emma Stone to exclaim "seriously?! It's like you're photoshopped!" Only the Gos could be a walking photoshopped figure.

9. Apparently, Kate Hudson can do whatever the hell she likes and you can still be friends with her.
Film: Something Borrowed
Teacher: Kate Hudson
Something Borrowed taught me a lot of things: like people still make crappy rom-coms and films comprised of completely detestable characters. The most detestable of those characters was Darcy, played by Kate Hudson, who was just plain horrible. She stole her best friend's 'best friend', even though it was obvious that they didn't have a connection. She slept around. She didn't even care about her husband-to-be...just the wedding. And yet, everyone still liked her. Rachel (her best friend) still stuck around, even though I would have cut off the friendship once school finished. Dex (her fiancée) didn't connect with her spirited nature, and yet he was still determined to marry her. So if you wanna be able to do whatever the hell you like and have people still stick by you, you just have to be Kate Hudson.

8. Don't piss off an Olsen twin.
Film: Beastly
Teacher: Mary-Kate Olsen, Alex Pettyfer
She may look a bit questionable, but if you piss her off, she'll make you look even more questionable. I'm not kidding. Alex Pettyfer had to learn that the hard way. But the Olsen means well: what she is really trying to do is teach Pettyfer the valuable life lesson that looks aren't everything. Apparently.

7. Wear slutty clothing and BAM! Female empowerment.
Film: Sucker Punch
Teacher: Zack Snyder, several young actress hotties
According to Zack Snyder, Sucker Punch was supposed to be an epic fantasy film which promotes female empowerment. So if we were to take his message literally, this is what we'd have to do to feel empowered: kill a baby dragon, fight large ninjas, fighting robots, fighting soldiers...all while wearing revealing clothing. Yeah, that would make me feel empowered. Sorry, Zack, you really tried, but your little rape-fantasy movie did not make me feel great about being a girl at all. All you did was make a movie for teenage boys.

6. Can't afford to take part in an exercise boot camp? Hide behind a tree and join it for free...and if you get caught, pretend you're dancing in the park.
Film: Bridesmaids
Teacher: Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph
There's something that I never thought of: it is really easy to join in on exercise boot camps that happen in the park. Though I'm not sure why they couldn't just go for a run or something. I also never thought that dancing in the park would be a good cover for it...in fact, I don't think pretending to dance in the park would be a good cover for anything. But that won't stop me from attempting it, someday.

5. You may think that you're watching a nice little drama starring Brad Pitt, but BAM! Dinosaurs!
Film: The Tree of Life
Teacher: Terrence Malick
Terrence Malick really proved that everything is possible with The Tree of Life. That's because he did everything in that movie. Including putting dinosaurs in there to show that nature and grace existed back in the dino-days. Well, that was my interpretation of it. I think most people will interpret it as "WTF ARE DINOSAURS DOING IN THIS MOVIE?!" Don't act so surprised, guys, Sean Penn was top-billed on the poster.

4. Never make your own medicines. They'll leave you feeling a little blue.
Film: X-Men: First Class
Teacher: Nicholas Hoult
Once, Hank McCoy was a lovely looking boy who had big feet, but he couldn't handle that mutation. So he decided he'd put an end to it all, as he was quite skilled with his science. His medicine made a change, that's for sure. As the NZ saying goes, just a normal-ish looking mutant who makes his own medicine, nek minnit, he turns into a big, blue, furry beast. Moral of the story: big feet aren't all that bad.

3. Everyone who presumably can't speak English is from Sri Lanka, just like M.I.A.
Film: Hanna
Teacher: Jessica Barden
One of my favourite parts of Hanna was the family that she came across, who were as funny as anything. Especially the daughter, played by Jessica Barden, who greets Hanna with a story about rapper M.I.A who was from Sri Lanka and couldn't speak English but now she's mega-famous. This was meant to make Hanna feel better because she presumed she couldn't speak English. When her brother asked where this lost Hanna was from, Sophie replies, "Sri Lanka". Because that is where everyone who can't speak English is from, obviously.

2. When the world is about to end, build a teepee with sticks.
Film: Melancholia
Teacher: Kirsten Dunst
This one feels particularly relevant since, you know, the world is supposed to end this year (LOL). While it is really supposed to be a 'magic cave', it just looks like a teepee made with sticks. Which, I imagine, is the best that one could do with an apocalypse just around the corner. What Kirsten Dunst's Justine is really trying to tell us, though, is that her sister Claire's idea of getting some wine and music to celebrate the end of the world is pretty dumb. It's the end of the world, you have to get creative. And if you also hate the world, you may as well steal some of it's resources to do so.

1. Don't eat pork. 
Film: Contagion
Teacher: Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Paltrow ate some pork. After doing that, she touched a few people. Then she went home, and she got sick. She touched some more people. She died. Those people got sick. Then people who got touched by those people got sick. Next thing you know, the whole world got sick. A whole lot of people died. All because of Gwyneth Paltrow's pork dinner. Moral of the story: don't eat pork. Or meat. Stick to the veges, that you grow yourself. Eat healthy, stay healthy!

There are the lessons I learned from 2011 movies. What did you learn from them?

Stevee's Unofficial Worst Films of 2011

When I say 'unofficial', I definitely mean unofficial. You see, as I live in NZ, I'm 100 years behind the rest of the world and I've seen very few 2011 films. My official list could only be done half-way through next year. But it's always cool to make lists and see how much they change in the future, which is why I'm doing this now. Unfortunately I have not yet had the opportunity to watch such films as Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson or New Year's Eve, but I've seen my fair share of bad films released this year. So kick back and take a look at my unofficial list of the worst films from 2011...

(NOTE: There are a few 2010 films that were released here this year, but I won't be including them unless they were really, really late. I know exactly what I believe fits the criteria and what doesn't. Mind you, this will be more relevant when I do my 'Best of' list tomorrow)

Dishonourable mentions: The Dilemma, The Green Hornet, Green Lantern, Take Me Home Tonight, Red Riding Hood, The Mechanic, Just Go with It, Gnomeo & Juliet.

10. I Am Number Four
Loud and obnoxious, what is essentially a twist on the Twilight tale tries to masquerade as a compelling sci-fi flick filled with angst, but it fails. In fact, the movie just fails. It is set up to start a franchise, but I doubt that anyone would want to sit through anything like this again. It is also supposed to be the big breakthrough for Alex Pettyfer, but I couldn't stand him. The film is just so derivative that it's impossible to remember anything that happened in it within an hour of seeing the credits roll. A movie about a teen who discovers that he is an alien and everyone wants to kill him just isn't that exciting.

9. Sanctum
There is actually very little that I remember about this movie. I don't know whether that is because when I watched it I was still on a lot of drugs after getting my tonsils out, or whether it's because it was just really bad. All I remember is that there was a lot of water, a lot of blue and some lame family issues that just had to happen while these people were diving. Other than that, it was a poorly acted, weakly scripted and flatly executed deep sea tale that lacked any conviction or passion. But if you slap the name James Cameron on it, people will still watch it.

8. Battle: Los Angeles
For a teenage guy, this movie will be a masterpiece. For a teenage girl such as myself, it is nothing but a grimy bore. I'm sorry, but I really don't find multiple explosions very exciting. In fact, I didn't find much about this movie very exciting. And beware, because the average watch of this movie turns out to be more expensive than you would think at first. You have the price of the rental, and because of how filthy and grimy the movie is, you'll have to go and get some deodorant and soap to clean it off with. They should really make Battle: LA combo packs at DVD stores.

7. Your Highness
Turns out Natalie Portman didn't have a fantastic post-Oscar set of films. But not only that, this also starred James Franco, who got himself an Oscar nomination for 127 Hours. The one thing this film has in common with his hosting performance at the Oscars: he decided to just zombie around and be stoned for the entire thing. I've seen this movie twice now, and there's only one thing I can say about it: way too many dick jokes. Seriously, male genitalia is not really that funny.

6. Season of the Witch
You know why I watch Nicolas Cage movies? Because usually, they're hilarious. He usually lets loose and provides some good entertainment, even if the movies are really bad. Season of the Witch, however, is just a plain bad Nicolas Cage movie. There's nothing to it. We just have to watch Nic, Ron Perlman, a few tag-alongs and a witch go from A to B, which is almost as exciting as watching paint dry. I say 'almost' because at least the paint has more colour than this one.

5. Something Borrowed
This isn't a poorly made movie, at all. It's just extremely horrible to watch. Think of every cliché that you could possibly put into a rom-com, times it by 20 and stick it into a movie that runs at an over-long 112 minutes. Yes, it is painful to watch. We see running around in the rain, people looking romantically at each other but not doing anything about their feelings, a really annoying Kate Hudson and an overly sarcastic guy friend. This film could have been over in half-an-hour, or better yet, it could have just been reduced to the trailer, because from that you can tell what is going to happen. I'm sure that this whole love triangle business does happen in real life, but that doesn't mean that we need 20 million movies about it.

4. Sucker Punch
This time last year, Sucker Punch was my most anticipated movie for 2011. I thought it looked awesome, like there was no way that it could possibly fail. Then the reviews came around, and I decided to give this one a miss at the cinemas. Let's just say, it was the best $30 I saved all year. On a cold winter's night I watched it on DVD, and I was blown away by how awful it was. Despite it's mostly female cast, this is the most anti-female movie ever. The only thing a girl could ever take away from it is that the only way you can get revenge is by dressing like a total slut. There was one good thing that came out of it, though: I loved how I could compare it to a teapot in my review.

3. The Hangover: Part II
You'll never know how much I wanted to go against the general critics consensus and turn out loving this movie. I tried so hard to like it. But I just couldn't. I am a HUGE fan of the first one, so to say that this movie lets that one down is a major understatement. It's vulgar, offensive, harsh, annoying, much of the same story...it was just a really horrible film. I think I summed it up best in the last line of my review: "...there's nothing that I dislike more about the film industry than anything else: originality is often sacrificed for money."

2. Transformers: Dark of the Moon
I've heard many people saying that this is the best film of the series...even Steven Spielberg thinks so. I love you, Steven, but we have to disagree on this one. You know that whenever you get reminded of this film you get an instant headache, you must have really disliked it. At 154 minutes, this is one of the most boring movies I've ever seen, especially when it gets down to the hour-long finale. The worst part is that there is no way you could possibly fall asleep while watching it, because it is SO. DAMN. LOUD. Proves that Transformers was only cool back in 2007.

1. The Roommate
This has to be one of the worst film I've ever seen in my life. It has a lame plot, even lamer acting and an extremely lame dependence on thriller clichés to get it through. Rebecca, played by Queen B Leighton Meester, is one of the most annoying characters ever, as she does all sorts of crazy shit so she can get closer to her precious roommate Sarah. This includes killing a kitten. Never is it acceptable to kill a kitten. Especially not for the sake of a crappy movie like this.

What do you think of these films? And what are some of your least favourite movies of 2011?