Stevee's Unofficial Worst Films of 2011

When I say 'unofficial', I definitely mean unofficial. You see, as I live in NZ, I'm 100 years behind the rest of the world and I've seen very few 2011 films. My official list could only be done half-way through next year. But it's always cool to make lists and see how much they change in the future, which is why I'm doing this now. Unfortunately I have not yet had the opportunity to watch such films as Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson or New Year's Eve, but I've seen my fair share of bad films released this year. So kick back and take a look at my unofficial list of the worst films from 2011...

(NOTE: There are a few 2010 films that were released here this year, but I won't be including them unless they were really, really late. I know exactly what I believe fits the criteria and what doesn't. Mind you, this will be more relevant when I do my 'Best of' list tomorrow)

Dishonourable mentions: The Dilemma, The Green Hornet, Green Lantern, Take Me Home Tonight, Red Riding Hood, The Mechanic, Just Go with It, Gnomeo & Juliet.

10. I Am Number Four
Loud and obnoxious, what is essentially a twist on the Twilight tale tries to masquerade as a compelling sci-fi flick filled with angst, but it fails. In fact, the movie just fails. It is set up to start a franchise, but I doubt that anyone would want to sit through anything like this again. It is also supposed to be the big breakthrough for Alex Pettyfer, but I couldn't stand him. The film is just so derivative that it's impossible to remember anything that happened in it within an hour of seeing the credits roll. A movie about a teen who discovers that he is an alien and everyone wants to kill him just isn't that exciting.

9. Sanctum
There is actually very little that I remember about this movie. I don't know whether that is because when I watched it I was still on a lot of drugs after getting my tonsils out, or whether it's because it was just really bad. All I remember is that there was a lot of water, a lot of blue and some lame family issues that just had to happen while these people were diving. Other than that, it was a poorly acted, weakly scripted and flatly executed deep sea tale that lacked any conviction or passion. But if you slap the name James Cameron on it, people will still watch it.

8. Battle: Los Angeles
For a teenage guy, this movie will be a masterpiece. For a teenage girl such as myself, it is nothing but a grimy bore. I'm sorry, but I really don't find multiple explosions very exciting. In fact, I didn't find much about this movie very exciting. And beware, because the average watch of this movie turns out to be more expensive than you would think at first. You have the price of the rental, and because of how filthy and grimy the movie is, you'll have to go and get some deodorant and soap to clean it off with. They should really make Battle: LA combo packs at DVD stores.

7. Your Highness
Turns out Natalie Portman didn't have a fantastic post-Oscar set of films. But not only that, this also starred James Franco, who got himself an Oscar nomination for 127 Hours. The one thing this film has in common with his hosting performance at the Oscars: he decided to just zombie around and be stoned for the entire thing. I've seen this movie twice now, and there's only one thing I can say about it: way too many dick jokes. Seriously, male genitalia is not really that funny.

6. Season of the Witch
You know why I watch Nicolas Cage movies? Because usually, they're hilarious. He usually lets loose and provides some good entertainment, even if the movies are really bad. Season of the Witch, however, is just a plain bad Nicolas Cage movie. There's nothing to it. We just have to watch Nic, Ron Perlman, a few tag-alongs and a witch go from A to B, which is almost as exciting as watching paint dry. I say 'almost' because at least the paint has more colour than this one.

5. Something Borrowed
This isn't a poorly made movie, at all. It's just extremely horrible to watch. Think of every cliché that you could possibly put into a rom-com, times it by 20 and stick it into a movie that runs at an over-long 112 minutes. Yes, it is painful to watch. We see running around in the rain, people looking romantically at each other but not doing anything about their feelings, a really annoying Kate Hudson and an overly sarcastic guy friend. This film could have been over in half-an-hour, or better yet, it could have just been reduced to the trailer, because from that you can tell what is going to happen. I'm sure that this whole love triangle business does happen in real life, but that doesn't mean that we need 20 million movies about it.

4. Sucker Punch
This time last year, Sucker Punch was my most anticipated movie for 2011. I thought it looked awesome, like there was no way that it could possibly fail. Then the reviews came around, and I decided to give this one a miss at the cinemas. Let's just say, it was the best $30 I saved all year. On a cold winter's night I watched it on DVD, and I was blown away by how awful it was. Despite it's mostly female cast, this is the most anti-female movie ever. The only thing a girl could ever take away from it is that the only way you can get revenge is by dressing like a total slut. There was one good thing that came out of it, though: I loved how I could compare it to a teapot in my review.

3. The Hangover: Part II
You'll never know how much I wanted to go against the general critics consensus and turn out loving this movie. I tried so hard to like it. But I just couldn't. I am a HUGE fan of the first one, so to say that this movie lets that one down is a major understatement. It's vulgar, offensive, harsh, annoying, much of the same story...it was just a really horrible film. I think I summed it up best in the last line of my review: "...there's nothing that I dislike more about the film industry than anything else: originality is often sacrificed for money."

2. Transformers: Dark of the Moon
I've heard many people saying that this is the best film of the series...even Steven Spielberg thinks so. I love you, Steven, but we have to disagree on this one. You know that whenever you get reminded of this film you get an instant headache, you must have really disliked it. At 154 minutes, this is one of the most boring movies I've ever seen, especially when it gets down to the hour-long finale. The worst part is that there is no way you could possibly fall asleep while watching it, because it is SO. DAMN. LOUD. Proves that Transformers was only cool back in 2007.

1. The Roommate
This has to be one of the worst film I've ever seen in my life. It has a lame plot, even lamer acting and an extremely lame dependence on thriller clichés to get it through. Rebecca, played by Queen B Leighton Meester, is one of the most annoying characters ever, as she does all sorts of crazy shit so she can get closer to her precious roommate Sarah. This includes killing a kitten. Never is it acceptable to kill a kitten. Especially not for the sake of a crappy movie like this.

What do you think of these films? And what are some of your least favourite movies of 2011?

Nicolas Un-Caged: Season of the Witch (2011)

Welcome to another edition of the sporadic new feature, 'Nicolas Un-Caged', where I, Stevee Taylor, a person who is very cool towards actor Nicolas Cage, tackle some Nicolas Cage movies. At the end of the review, I give Nicolas Cage a rating between 1 and 5 Nicolas Cage's, based on how crazy Nicolas Cage is in a Nicolas Cage movie. Did I use the name Nicolas Cage enough in that passage? Nicolas Cage.

All I remember about Season of the Witch was that it was once rated 1% on Rotten Tomatoes. Now, to me, you can't get much worse than being rated 1%. Because it means that, like, one person liked your movie. One lonely critic liked your movie. Which is more sad than nobody liking your movie, for some reason. So with it's star-power being reduced to Nicolas Cage and a slew of awful reviews, this movie was released in America, only scoring back around 60% of it's budget during it's release there. June comes around, and this movie pops up on DVD. I thought "no one has heard of it, so it won't be that popular." Boy, was I wrong. At work this past weekend, there were only two movies which people were demanding: True Grit (well done, Dannevirke) and Season of the Witch. Response coming back from the two was positive too. I can see why True Grit is so well-liked, because at least that is actually entertaining, but Season of the Witch? I just didn't see it.

I'm sure the popularity that this movie got this weekend didn't come down to Nicolas Cage being the top star, but because it is marketed as a medieval actioner. But really, this is a medieval borefest. This film is set in the times when the Black Plague was ravaging the land, and when witches were believed to be the cause of all of this. Old Nic, who plays Behmen here, embarks on a bit of a road trip with his buddy Felson (Ron Perlman) as they take a girl accused of being a witch (Claire Foy) from A to B. We go on a arduous journey across perilous terrain with them and we discover the truth about this supposed witch, along with finding the true courage which these fine men have.

It all sounds very majestic, but really, this is one cheap movie. The scenery is nice enough, even though it seems as if the camera made it look 100 times more dull. That doesn't do wonders for the story either. Believe me, I tried to stay with this movie. But you know how hard it is to stay with a movie that moves at the pace of a snail, takes itself far too seriously and doesn't even have the decency to give us a laugh or two to tide us over. I will admit, this movie isn't nearly as bad as it's 7% rating on Rotten Tomatoes makes it out to be. But yes, it is bad. The action sequences, which are few and far between, are less than exciting. I mean, when you first meet Behmen and Felson in a montage of their fictional fights, you do think that this might be a fun journey, because they look they might be a couple of jokesters. Between Nic wearing his serious face and Ron Perlman occasionally trying to lighten things up, the two never really gel, so we miss a couple of funny buddies that this movie needed.

The worst thing about Season of the Witch, though, is the fact that Nic isn't even remotely crazy in this movie. He never says anything that makes us question his sanity. He doesn't even make any weird screaming noises. Which is a great shame, because when you have a bad movie, something always makes you laugh. When you have Nicolas Cage in a bad movie, you expect to be rolling on the floor with laughter. But no, Season of the Witch is surprisingly tame. Which makes me wonder why Nic actually starred in this nonsense. Even though he may have turned into the worst actor in the world, he is above this B-grade horror schlock. He should know by now that we all enjoy him being slightly off his knocker, not sleep-walking through a movie with his one and only serious face on the whole time. One more movie like this, Nic, and you've lost your entire fanbase. I guess his hair did look impressive, though.

THE VERDICT: It's the kind of movie that should have gone straight-to-DVD everywhere, or better yet, been kept on the shelf. Season of the Witch is definitely not the most exciting movie, and Nic Cage isn't anything to laugh about, either.

What I got:

Nic Cage Crazy Scale: