Last year we may have seen some crap movies being released, but at least we can feel happy in saying that we have learnt 10 valuable lessons which we can apply to everyday life. Okay...maybe that is going a bit far, but once you read this, you’ll be jumping for joy that you now know these things. And my teachers say I don’t learn anything from movies...
10. ‘Women in the Middle East really wear ridiculously expensive clothes under their burqas.’
Movie:
Sex and the City 2
If there is a way to get a message about female liberation into a mainstream Hollywood movie, then, by all means, make a group of Middle Eastern women wear designer clothing under their burqas and shove it in an overlong sequel to the Godmother of chick flicks. Because that is not only the most ridiculous thing ever, but it is also the funniest thing about that horrendous movie. While you’re at it, throw in whole lot of other digs on the Middle Eastern race and make a whole lot of jokes around that bad representation. Well done, you are almost as funny as a dog eating a pair of $650 Prada boots.
9. ‘Saying goodbye to toys is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.'
Movie:
Toy Story 3
Luckily, I’ve never had to experience this as I just locked my toys away in my closet (where they are undoubtedly trapped up 10 tonnes of dust...ew). But watching that glorious PIXAR creation made me come to the conclusion that there is one thing I never want to do: say goodbye to my toys. So many great memories! And if I couldn’t handle watching the great parting in a movie (I think I used a whole box of tissues at the end), then I certainly can’t handle it in real life.
8. ‘Need to plant an idea during a ten hour flight? Just buy the whole airline...it’s neater.’
Movie:
Inception
If you are planning to plant an idea in someone’s head, while going through many layers of dreams to get there, you are going to need a long plane ride so the mark has no idea. While you’re practical point man may suggest just buying out the whole cabin in a 747 plane, plus the first class flight attendant (who also happens to be Christopher Nolan’s cousin), there is no need to be so plain. Just make sure you have a rich Japanese businessman on the team so he can buy the airline, because ‘it seemed neater’. Thank him by getting him shot by the mark’s subconscious, having a woman-whose-actually-a-man hit on him and then sending him to limbo, where he gets remarkably wrinkly. Once he wakes up, stare at him for ages, and then he will get you back to your family. What can we say? You get your time’s worth with this guy.
7. ‘Vampires are made out of cement.’
Movie:
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
In the first movie, we discover that vampires can go out in the sunlight and not burst in flames. In the second movie, we discover that werewolves don’t like to wear shirts. In this movie, we discover that when you kill a vampire (by going on one of those head-to-head rampages
Lord of the Rings styles), they break like cement. Hmmmmm, I always knew they were dead creatures, but do they really turn into cement? Reason #5689 to believe
True Blood more than this shonky
Twilight series.
6. ‘Don’t just be a slut. Be a super slut!’
Movie:
Easy A
Or, rather, this lesson should be ‘lie to advance your financial standing’. Olive lies to lose her virginity, which helps get her attention. Then she helps her friend lie about his sexuality to get him more attention. Then she helps a whole lot of other guys lie about how they got the girl so she can get a label maker. All while doing this, she dresses in some ‘whore couture’ and symbolizes herself with a red ‘A’ for ‘adulterer’. She could have just stopped at the first lie, but she went all the way. All without losing her V-card. Go Olive!
5. ‘Always keep a long jersey in the safe.’
Movie:
4.3.2.1.
For those of you haven’t seen the film (i.e. most of you), I’ll give you a rundown on why this is such a great idea. Cassandra, who is played by the tall and beautiful up-comer Tamsin Egerton, goes to New York to not only try and get into a prestigious music school, but to meet her internet boyfriend. He doesn’t meet her as originally planned, and she goes for a bit of retail therapy to spend her sorrows away. However, her ‘internet boyfriend’ turns up at her hotel room, and they have a rather physical first date. When she wakes up in the morning, she finds that all of her clothes are gone, and she’s reduced to her smalls. But, never fear! Luckily, in the safe, she finds a pink jersey which is long enough to not be revealing. In this jersey she goes on a one woman crusade to find her clothes (when she finds out that her internet boyfriend isn’t the one she slept with...he’s really a nerd), then to seek revenge on the nerd and the thief, and then to audition for her music school (way later than her planned audition). She did this all in her trusty pink jersey. And that’s why you should always keep a jersey in the safe.
4. ‘If you want to disguise your voice as you are a superhero, PUT emphasis ON all the WRONG words.’
Movie:
Kick-Ass
Whether this be just Nicolas Cage’s useless acting, or his attempt at an ‘Adam West’ impersonation, all I can say is that doesn’t make him sound tough or super at all. No, it makes him sound like an idiot. But, then again, it’s more understandable than Christian Bale’s emphysema-like voice as Batman. Either way, it’s damn annoying, and it’s further proof that Monsieur Cage needs to go back to drama school to learn how to successfully apply inflection and emphasis to his voice.
3. ‘Don’t trust the old lady who comes into the diner.’
Movie:
Legion
In the most unintentionally funniest movie moment of the year,
Legion gives us a lesson that we wouldn’t think of ourselves: an old lady could attack you at any given moment. Warning signs: she orders a bloody steak, she makes polite conversation, she tells you ‘all the little babies are gonna burn’. Just don’t try and be a hero, because she will bite you, then attempt to be Spiderman, before some guy shoots her. Yeah, she was supposed to be an angel. As the whole movie was supposed to be about angels, but turned out being a movie with religious undertones, B-grade horror and some more of that apocalyptic shit the Hollywood gods think we love watching.
2. ‘You can’t feed chicken to a chicken.’
Movie:
The Social Network
Forced cannibalism. One of the many themes which are part of the amazingness that is
The Social Network. I mean, who would have thought ‘the Facebook movie’ would have so many great messages? I never knew you couldn’t feed chicken to a chicken. Poor Eduardo, he seemed so down when this story got out. But in his defence, he had thought about it: “Don't fish eat other fish? The marlins and the trouts!” This was the best of the many lessons I learned throughout this film, which include: Girls will actually like Mark, even if he is a nerd, but they won’t because he is an asshole; We lived in cities, then farms, and now on the internet; and that dating Mark Zuckerberg is like dating a Stairmaster. So much for this movie being as interesting as a photo album called ‘Random’!
1. ‘Pacman was originally called Puck-man.’
Movie:
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
In
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, we learnt that bread makes you fat, chicken is not vegan and the ‘L’ word is in fact lesbian, but none of those lessons were as valuable as Pacman’s true origins. “Did you know that the original name for Pac-Man was Puck-Man? You'd think it was because he looks like a hockey puck but it actually comes from the Japanese phrase 'Paku-Paku,' which means to flap one's mouth open and closed. They changed it because they thought Puck-Man would be too easy to vandalize, you know, like people could just scratch off the P and turn it into an F or whatever.”...Scott Pilgrim’s favourite pick up line, which is so interesting that he got to date Ramona Flowers (I’m joking, it failed...lesson #55 of this movie: never use that as a pick up line). As Kim would say: “Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it.”
